#1
Feelin' rather cynical right now. Crit-4-Crit.
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Loose-Tongued Pages and Aching Notes. (Goodnight, Goodbye, and Good Riddance.)

compare it to a heart-rate monitor. each shaky pen
stroke mirrors the rise and fall of a battered chest,
and each erractic ba… dum badum is sketched out by a
hand scrawled confession or blotted footnote.
ba… dum
ba… dum
‘diary of a broken heart’. the title was chosen before
medical aspect took it’s toll. a warning? perhaps.
like anyone cares anyway. there’s nothing poetic
about a suicide. nothing other than the painted white
body-box, sob-racked mother and tight-jawed father,
and the fact that the kid died from a broken heart.

absolutely nothing at all.
ba… dum
nothing tragic about a statistic. nothing graceful about
a coward. no cautions behind the smile. no blame
beyond the crooked fingers stabbing accusations at
anything and everything.

ba-fu
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Nov 15, 2007,
#2
"compare it to a heart-rate monitor. each shaky pen
stroke mirrors the rise and fall of a battered chest,
and each erractic ba… dum badum is sketched out by a
hand scrawled confession or blotted footnote."

Okay that is a pretty ****ing brilliant way to start off. very nice

The rest of the piece had this mad, smart, feel to it which was a great hook throughout the piece.

While it's a bit cliche itself to talk about the faults in suicide you did it in a good way and i'll congratulate you for that.

the ending also was very clever I see where you cynical attitude came into play. I laughed because I have the bad habit of laughing at things I probably shouldn't laugh at so the fact that people might have a guilty conscious that can relate makes this even more clever.
Pretty good enjoyable read. Thnx for the crit by the way
Smile alot today... okay?
#3
Honestly? I think you're amazing n_n Now, onto your writing ...


Loose-Tongued Pages and Aching Notes. (Goodnight, Goodbye, and Good Riddance.)

compare it to a heart-rate monitor. each shaky pen
stroke mirrors the rise and fall of a battered chest, <Nice play on words.
and each erractic ba… dum badum is sketched out by a
hand scrawled confession or blotted footnote.
ba… dum
ba… dum
‘diary of a broken heart’. the title was chosen before
medical aspect took it’s toll. a warning? perhaps.
like anyone cares anyway. there’s nothing poetic
about a suicide. nothing other than the painted white
body-box, sob-racked mother and tight-jawed father,
and the fact that the kid died from a broken heart. <'Death by broken heart' is a bit cliche'd, but I think it's okay here.

absolutely nothing at all. <I like the sarcasm -- or so it sounds.
ba… dum <The 'ba dum's seem kind of random, but maybe I'm just reading it wrong.
nothing tragic about a statistic. nothing graceful about
a coward. no cautions behind the smile. no blame
beyond the crooked fingers stabbing accusations at
anything and everything.

ba-****ing-done. goodnight.

be sure to bow your head, even worn out clichés
like this deserve at least mock sympathy.

and besides, at least no one will see you smirking this way. <Are these last three lines directed at yourself?


All in all, it was good :] Not wow-that-was-amazing-good, but I'm sure your other pieces make up for it. Some parts are a little confusing for me, though, like I'm not sure if the kid who died of a broken heart was you, or if it was just a kid. But nice job :] Could you take a look at one of mine? Thanks n_n
Last edited by acloudyforecast at Feb 5, 2008,