#1
So unnatural, I wish I just wasn't so tired.
Her calling for me proves,
that I've lost room,
for all other desires.

You'll never know how something like this feels.

Starting to become unwired,
I wish someone would have told me
that lonlieness was always required.
Then maybe I would have kept the friends
I let down, miles before the end.

Above all, however, this message will always remain clear;
The needle will always permeate and terminate, any and all existing fears.
There's no need for alarm, I understand I've lost my welcome being here.
#2
So unnatural, I wish I just wasn't so tired.
Her calling for me proves,
that I've lost room,
for all other desires.

okay i just want you to know that i think this is an awesome start i like the vague rhyme
tired-desires the rhyming structure here is freakin beautiful i really hope that the reast of this matches the starts quality!!!!!!

You'll never know how something like this feels.=i absolutely know how you feel i have been there before it is such a sh*tty feeling but thats not rellevent to your piecebut what is
i think that this gives me the reader the prelude to the pain you are goin to tell us about in the next stanza so let me get there

Starting to become unwired,
I wish someone would have told me
that lonlieness was always required=i love this here totally unforced ryhmes so far your good
Then maybe I would have kept the friends
I let down, miles before the end.= ihave also done that totally relatable its crazy how the opposite sex can do that to you, make you isolate your self from the people closest to you

Above all, however, this message will always remain clear;
The needle will always permeate and terminate, any and all existing fears.=this line excuted very nicely i like the writing style you are using and it brings everything together
There's no need for alarm, I understand I've lost my welcome being here.


see now right here i can say you honestly let me down i was really looking for an awesome ending to this wonderfully wrtten piece but over-all man you can deffinantly convey your pain/loss to us the readers and i think you deserved for this piece to crited by every member of this org i reall hope that by me critin you piece and bringin it back to the top more people will realize that they have overlooked a wonderful piece of art here
im not sure if you have read my piece"girl are ****ing evil my friend" if you havent then you should most deffinantly check it i think you might be able to relate to it maybe
so i would love for you to tell me what you think and if have i want to aplogize for not remeberin it but n-e-ways i dont think you have so if you havent check it out and tell me what you think the link is
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
tell me what you think
C4C?
#3
Quote by CreateSalvation
So unnatural, I wish I just wasn't so tired.
A kind of really vague opening. Is the double so really necessary? It put me off.
Her calling for me proves,
that I've lost room,
for all other desires.
Re-think your punctuation here. And you line breaks, I think. Maybe try and paint a bit of a better picture here?

You'll never know how something like this feels.
Eh, you can't really say this I feel, because you've been pretty vague so far.

Starting to become unwired,
See, this is a better image here. I like unwired.
I wish someone would have told me
that lonlieness was always required.
Eh, these two lines are pretty weak.
Then maybe I would have kept the friends
I let down, miles before the end.
Line break is pretty awkward and unnatural again.

Above all, however, this message will always remain clear;
The needle will always permeate and terminate, any and all existing fears.
There's no need for alarm, I understand I've lost my welcome being here.

okay, so this piece I feel weren't as strong as it could have been. you could have used some more techniques here to really grab the reader. Work on your imagery, and integrating strong but relevant images into your work.