#1
A gray faced man quivers within sight
procuring his faithful plight
Set in his path, no way to detract

This night in the mansion is different from the rest
A benevolent creature of sorts carves his way into this figure--
the closer he gets makes him seem so much bigger

Colder than an ice woven knife sliding down the vein of a warm wrist he enters his brain
He chisels, hammers and slaves away
Synapses destroyed, new ones created
This old man sure is outdated

The creature tries everyday without fail
Curtailed by gloom swept away with a pseudo broom
"Everyday" has turned from days to weeks
The future becomes undeniably bleak

Archaic on the inside and out
Trapped in this machine
nightmares are foreseen
Not for this man, he is unaware
It's his kin that suffers...
no way to recover


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There is some REAL meaning to this song and is obviously open to interpretation, however, I think an outsider perusing this might be able to get the overall gist of it without it being too abstract. Oh and it would most likely be sung in the metal genre

Crit 4 crit--thank you in advance : )
#3
Its good, great for the metal genre but, I'm not sure about lines 3 and 4 though, I have trouble singing those, doesn't fit.
You have a good poem man
I love Cheezy Poofs, you love Cheezy Poofs,
If we didn't eat Cheezy Poofs, We'd be lame!

WHY SO SERIOUS SON!?