#1
First time doing one of these... they looked like fun and I had an idea that lent itself to it today. C4C for constructive comments.


The best part
        about celebrity suicide, 
   is that after her 

     N
     I 
     N   
     E   \ | /
     S     9
     T     
     O    
     R         
     Y    p(h)light,

Once she finally introduces herself to
       the earth.

It only takes Lars the Janitor five minutes
                    and a broom
      to collect the shattered plastic.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Apr 17, 2008,
#2
That was actually really good! I can't find anything to improve... everything seems to be there for a reason. Good job Loved the shattered plastic part. I also enjoy how you said "once she quakes the earth" obviously referring to a girl. Interesting read, thank you.
#4
This piece I think is just one of those moments where you're writing and suddenly you get something AWESOME and its best in its raw form.

I dont know if I like "once she quakes the earth" though. Because it seems like plastic hitting the ground wouldn't really "quake" anything except for maybe if it like..landed on top of you. But... nevertheless, this piece is awesome! I really like the play on words. really nice job here.
what comes up comes out
#5
Overall the piece is cool because of shape and I know it's hard to write hape poetry . Generally the meaning in this kind of poetry is hidden , which doesn't apply in ur case. some of the words like "quake" sounds unnatural in this case.

Anyway good piece bro

Andy
Hi
#6
i applaud you i dont think i have read a piece quite like that before if thats your first one i highly reccommend you do another i enjoyed it most of all because the truth behind and it can apply to so many other types of people goodwork!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last edited by cjsquid at Nov 15, 2007,
#7
Quote by haunted_engines
This piece I think is just one of those moments where you're writing and suddenly you get something AWESOME and its best in its raw form.



May I ask what you mean by "in its raw form"? I don't think I fully know what you are getting at. Are you say I shouldn't have shaped it? or that it just game out well, with no help, on its own?

Sorry for the confusion,
-zC
#9
Captured how obsessed the news media is with celebrities completely, well done sir. Plastic was a good line to use, keeps people on the idea that we're talking about celebs (what with all the surgery gossip that goes around). You nailed this man, sums it all up.
C4C?
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#10
I really didn't like this.

Personally, it felt pretentious, ugly, awkward, unnatural, unrewarding and ineffective.

Besides being a shape poem (which are annoying me due to the sheer volume of them in S+L atm), it just did not connect with me one bit. Which was a disappointment, because if I remember I thought you were a good writer.

Probably the worst thing about this for me was that it didn't even make much sense:


The best part about celebrity suicide, is that after her nine story plight/flight. Once she quakes the earth. You only need a broom and a dustpan, to sweep up shattered plastic.

Nothing about that group of words I like. The bolded sentence doesn't even have an end. Readin git, there's nothing in there I can take away, no connection, nothing strong, no sentiment really.

Shape poems for me must still read like a decent piece. The words must still make sense. There wasn't even much shape to this, you just had a line down.

Sorry man, but I really disliked this. All the best.

#11
Well, that's sad... I hate it when I get bad reviews from the regulars.

Well, don't write (bah-dah-cha) me off yet... one bad piece doesn't ruin all my writing. So assuming you actually did think I was a good writer, I hope that doesn't stop because of one piece.

Thanks for the honest crit though.

-zC
#12
I kind of liked it. I think you should clean up the syntax of the last three phrases, because as Jamie pointed out, if you write them out as a sentence, they aren't particularly poetic. I think you did the shape poem in a good and interesting way, but you can't rely entirely on the power of the shape to create your poetry. That said, I usually hate shape poetry, and I actually thought this one was good.
#14
I dunno if I meant "syntax" exactly, but "once she quakes the earth" is an awkward phrase.

I think the thing is that you when you think of what you'll write, your thought comes out as:

"You only need a broom and dust pan"

That's how you'd probably say it if you were speaking this thought, and that's how you'd probably write it. Sometimes it's easy to forget that there are entirely different ways of framing this thought. You could add a character whose job it is to sweep up the shattered remnants. You could choose different tools than a broom and dust pan. All I'm saying is, look for some new ideas and approaches to the last few lines, because as they stand, they're just unexciting.

Any clearer?

PS. My newest hasn't recieved any attention yet...
#15
I was hoping for some sort of Salinger satire
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#16
Quote by ZanasCross
First time doing one of these... they looked like fun and I had an idea that lent itself to it today. C4C for constructive comments.


The best part
about celebrity suicide,
is that after her

N
I
N
E \ | /
S 9
T <-------------------- this bit is pretty uncomfortable to read.
O
R
Y p(h)light, <--- Didn't understand that... <-- ah I see.

Once she introduces herself to
the earth.

It only takes a simple janitor
and modest tools; the adjectives here seem pretty bland. Try to describe a janitor some other way than simple, and the tools some other way than modest.
To sweep up shattered plastic.


It's ok... but nothing more. It's not like I dislike it, but I wouldn't really finished reading it if it weren't for the fact I owe you about 20 crits. Things I disliked... it is a shape poem, but I don't think the shape aids the poem in anyway. It takes away from it.


I'll crit something else by you in a while. I don't really consider this a very decent crit.
Last edited by confusius at Nov 18, 2007,
#19
I really liked it man, as some other guy said you nailed the idea.

I would have to say, though, that the "p(h)light" thing didn't really work. It's a great idea, but when it doesn't serve to help the piece as a whole i think it's best to scrap it or save it for another piece. Of course, that's just my opinion, and I dig flow alot more than alot of people and I guess that's why I didn't dig that.

There's alot of these style things about, but this is one of the better ones.

hit me up if you can, but I wouldn't expect it after giving such a vague crit..

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=715428
#20
I think its okay, I'm not much of a fan of this HTML text poetry. I think you have some nice lines, very intereting imagery and ideas, and frankly spoiled it with a silly gimmick.

I like the idea, though. I think you should definitely re-write this without the pictures. They reduce the flow to nothing and make it very hard to read. I loved the last line, "To sweep up shattered plasic" is fantastic, an allusion to both plasic surgery and mannequins, lovely. Definitley re-write, please! It would be brilliant, imo.

Peace
dave
#21
Quote by ZanasCross
May I ask what you mean by "in its raw form"? I don't think I fully know what you are getting at. Are you say I shouldn't have shaped it? or that it just game out well, with no help, on its own?

Sorry for the confusion,
-zC


no i mean, i dont think you can make it better by making a lot of changes, as some pieces are. Like... I don't think you should change much because its already good and a shaped poem is delicate... you don't want to make it worse, which is very easy to do while revising.
what comes up comes out