#1
This is just a temporary title, for the time being. I wanted this to be a poem about how one was too cowardly to tell someone that they had feelings for them. I don't know how well it worked out. Anyways, crit for crit if you manage to give me some good tips.

This is not nearly even close to being done so...

Thanks you all so much for taking the time to read it

The clock on my wall, time wasting away.
The minute hand, ticked faster than I expected.
I want to do what’s right for the two of us.
I don’t want either hearts to be affected.

I just don’t know how to say,
With your bright, beautiful eyes staring at me
That I want you to place your hand in mine.
Because baby, we won’t have to worry about time.

I can’t believe that I couldn’t find
Those right words, to tell you how I feel.
They come to my mind,
But fail to come from mouth.

Like your presence is a barrier between,
My very own dreams and reality.
When I try to tell you my feelings
It seems like someone different, is staring back at me.

I feel that I am imprisoned now
Behind the bars of wisdom and courage.
Thou shall not escape these cellar walls.
No matter how much of this chamber I damage.

These are just dreams, imaginings of what we could have been.
Yet these thoughts are out of reach of my arms,
Like they have drifted off in the cool autumn breeze,
And headed straight for your door.


Thanks.

All constructive criticism is welcome.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
#2
Hey There .

First of all . Since it's not finished . I won't give a full critique but I'll like to point some things to you.

The clock on my wall "suggests or screams " time wasting away.

I know what u are trying to say but u are missing on simple words like "suggests or tells me". the simple words like this play a major role in poetry and expreses ur true emotion .
like suggests represent calm and screams represent anger. i hope you got the point.

Other than that . Some of the lines in piece are really cliche and some of the words sound totally unnatural like"Ticked" , "imaginings" . they hamper the flow. As fasr as cliche's are concerned there are alot . I understand it's writteren with emotion and all but they are cliches. moreover the pace of the piece is very slow and use of cliches just kill it. Express them in a new way . Atleast u can try too.

Now some good points :Flow is good and imagery in some lines is also good.

Andy


if you get time??
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=713436
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Nov 15, 2007,
#3
first i wanna sya that i think a title should be sponataneous and not neccessarally have anything to do with the contents of the piece(i say that but only to a certain extent)and also usually what you come with first most of the time is the best thats all i wanted to say about temporary titles and that was directed towards all the temp titlers not just you
and now onto the actual piece.

The clock on my wall, time wasting away.
The minute hand, ticked faster than I expected.
I want to do what’s right for the two of us.
I don’t want either hearts to be affected.

the first time i read this intro/stanza i didnt like it but im glad i gave a few more read throughs i dont usually do that but anyways the ryhme setup i liked I E:expected-affected
and i also like how that those two words just relate to each other anyways okay intro liked nno suggestions here

I just don’t know how to say,
With your bright, beautiful eyes staring at me= i like how you convey beauty here<
That I want you to place your hand in mine.
Because baby, we won’t have to worry about time.=this ryhme feels extremely forced to me
but then again its probably just me.

I can’t believe that I couldn’t find
Those right words, to tell you how I feel.
They come to my mind,
But fail to come from mouth.=this part i dont feel it flowing with everything else

Like your presence is a barrier between,
My very own dreams and reality.
When I try to tell you my feelings
It seems like someone different, is staring back at me.=are you sayin like you make them uncomfrotable or alienate them with your words?

I feel that I am imprisoned now
Behind the bars of wisdom and courage. =and this part is because you know whats gonna happen is that why you added imprisoned- wisdom or was that findin something to ryhme?
Thou shall not escape these cellar walls.
No matter how much of this chamber I damage. =so she doesnt feel the same way as you so you torture.i think its very twisted in a good evil way

These are just dreams, imaginings of what we could have been.
Yet these thoughts are out of reach of my arms,
Like they have drifted off in the cool autumn breeze,
And headed straight for your door.=this last line really just made me do a 360 and make sure i didnt hit a button and are currently on a diff thread this ending or how you have it now doesnt feel right and maybe thats just because that your not done and are currently revise/ adding to this ending as we speak anyways this piece just really had me likeing it one second and then scratching my head the next i think its got potential like i dont think its bad i just think it needs work but i cant suggest anything other than changing the endin
so i will leave it up to the crative powers in your head i wish you the best of luck with pulling this piece together and wish i could suggest more stuff
but maybe i was a little help?
i dont know if you have read my piece the polar opposite to yours
its called "girls are ****ing evil my friend" if you havent check it out and tell me what you think even if its just a liner I E: it sucked or did your dementia srticken grandma write or something else a long those lines
anyways the link is
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
#5
Quote by cjsquid

I just don’t know how to say,
With your bright, beautiful eyes staring at me= i like how you convey beauty here<
That I want you to place your hand in mine.
Because baby, we won’t have to worry about time.=this ryhme feels extremely forced to me
but then again its probably just me.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing too. i just wanted to see if anyone noticed it and felt the same

I can’t believe that I couldn’t find
Those right words, to tell you how I feel.
They come to my mind,
But fail to come from mouth.=this part i dont feel it flowing with everything else

What if i said. "But yet, they fail to come from my mouth" that might flow a little better.

Like your presence is a barrier between,
My very own dreams and reality.
When I try to tell you my feelings
It seems like someone different, is staring back at me.=are you sayin like you make them uncomfrotable or alienate them with your words?

No, I'm trying to get at that when I try and tell them about how I feel, I can't because it feels like 'Someone different is staring back at me' What i am trying to get at is that i cannot tell them.. and that leads on to the imprisonment verse.


I feel that I am imprisoned now
Behind the bars of wisdom and courage. =and this part is because you know whats gonna happen is that why you added imprisoned- wisdom or was that findin something to ryhme?
Thou shall not escape these cellar walls.
No matter how much of this chamber I damage. =so she doesnt feel the same way as you so you torture.i think its very twisted in a good evil way

Well i was trying to get that can't find the right words to say to her.. and thats why i said i was imprisoned behind the bars of wisdom and courage.. not to make the rhyme. I had that in there before i the last line.

These are just dreams, imaginings of what we could have been.
Yet these thoughts are out of reach of my arms,
Like they have drifted off in the cool autumn breeze,
And headed straight for your door.=this last line really just made me do a 360 and make sure i didnt hit a button and are currently on a diff thread this ending or how you have it now doesnt feel right and maybe thats just because that your not done and are currently revise/ adding to this ending as we speak anyways this piece just really had me likeing it one second and then scratching my head the next i think its got potential like i dont think its bad i just think it needs work but i cant suggest anything other than changing the endin

Well thank you very much.. I will try to change that up. This isnt the ending though.. i was just seeing what you guys thought of it so far

so i will leave it up to the crative powers in your head i wish you the best of luck with pulling this piece together and wish i could suggest more stuff
but maybe i was a little help?
i dont know if you have read my piece the polar opposite to yours
its called "girls are ****ing evil my friend" if you havent check it out and tell me what you think even if its just a liner I E: it sucked or did your dementia srticken grandma write or something else a long those lines
anyways the link is
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143

Thanks for the crit.. to both of you I will get back to yours in the near future.
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way