#1
Well i'm a-sittin' by my computer
With my fingers on the keyboard
Pretendin' I'm some kind of letter-lord.
And as my ipod plays, I wonder
If your life is any better
Than music and all its pleasant-sounding chords.

Yeah, and in all this crazy-loud
Racket of a sound
I wonder-
Where are you hiding right now?

Now the sun, it's finally risen
It wants to sing ballads to the moon-
But I don't think that's gonna happen very soon.
And while Autumn's leaves are driven
Through the dancing wind's love-stricken
Charming body, the sun sinks back into its gloom.

Yeah, and you can hear it pout
"Moon, won't you come out?
Oh, I wonder
Where are you hiding right now?"

Now my poor little spliff is a-breakin'
Down into a mountain of ash-
So ends the very last of my stash.
And my head just can't stop thinkin':
"Is it the world or me that's spinnin'?
Surely one of us has got to go and crash."

Yeah, and I thought this would allow
My mind to forget you a little while,
But even now, I wonder-
Where are you hiding tonight?


Crit for crit, thanks
Last edited by guitarkid12345 at Nov 15, 2007,
#2
Well i'm a-sittin' by my computer
With my fingers on the keyboard
Pretendin' I'm some kind of letter-lord.
And as my ipod plays, I wonder
If your life is any better
Than music and all its pleasant-sounding chords.

i think you had kinda a weak start the whole "well im sittin by my computer"
i started a piece with "lets see" i dunno for some reason starts like that just dont seem very strong it will take away form your piece even if every following piece is great but aanyways
let me get on with the rest

Yeah, and in all this crazy-loud
Racket of a sound
I wonder-
Where are you hiding right now?
although i do like this part here is this gonna be a chorus?where oh where did the little chorus go oh where can it be. sorry ramblin.

Now the sun, it's finally risen
It wants to sing ballads to the moon-= i like this line
But I don't think that's gonna happen very soon.=but this one feel forced!
And while Autumn's leaves are driven
Through the dancing wind's love-stricken= i like the whole dancin wind thing.
Charming body, the sun sinks back into its gloom.

Yeah, and you can hear it pout
"Moon, won't you come out?= i like how that you phrased this part here.
Oh, I wonder
Where are you hiding right now?"= so i do like the symbolism here i think thats what you
were tryin do though not sure.


Now my poor little spliff is a-breakin'
Down into a mountain of ash-= i like this part totally relatable
So ends the very last of my stash.=this is good but it sucks when it happens (u run out)
And my head just can't stop thinkin':
"Is it the world or me that's spinnin'?= nicely done here
Surely one of us has got to go and crash."= thats inevitable un fortunately.

Yeah, and I thought this would allow
My mind to forget you a little while,= it never does you always end up right where u started
But even now, I wonder-
Where are you hiding tonight?= and its okay here i think it could use a little improvement

over-all i liked it the concept that you have is a good one there are a few parts that feel forced though other than that i said all i had to say hope i could be of some help!!!
have you checked out my piece?
if you havent check it out and tell me what you think about it
the link is...
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
C4C?
#3
it was pretty good man up until when you started talking about your stash lol. It seemed like a really good song up until you started bringing in drugs. IDK if that's what it was about but that's what i got. Could you crit mine It's called Serenity. Me and my friend are trying to turn it into a song and we really want to see what people think of it before we do sing it.