#1
Mean

I have traveled before on a road to nowhere.
I’ve heard all the sayings that a loser defines.
I visit these places only to see
My living reflection that loves to be mean.

I see him still wearing the crown of his life.
Narrating the stories, he made up in mind.
Still hung up to things he once designed

As I try to hide laughter, I can’t hold back my smile.
My actions & conscience has worked out a deal.
I visit these places only to see
My living reflection that loves to be mean.

I’ve cleared my intention with I don’t care.
Should I say it again in one violent flow?
What is it that you want me to speak?
It won’t make a difference not at least for me

As I try to hide laughter, I can’t hold back my smile.
My actions & conscience has worked out a deal.
I visit these places only to see
My living reflection that loves to be mean.

I am traveling again on a road to nowhere.
I’m adding to sayings that a loser defines.
I visit these places only to find
My living reflection that loves to be me


Thnx for reading .


c4c
Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Nov 15, 2007,
#2
I have traveled before on a road to nowhere. =i like this it makses me feel despair
I’ve heard all the sayings that a loser defines.
I visit these places only to see
My living reflection that loves to be mean.=this i believe is a good ending to the intro/first stanza

I see him still wearing the crown of his life.=imust ask this "his" an abstarct you?
Narrating the stories, he made up in mind.
Still hung up to things he once designed= i also like the non forced feel to the ryhme shceme(so far)


As I try to hide laughter, I can’t hold back my smile.
My actions & conscience has worked out a deal.=maybe chanGe has to have it sounds better to ma anyways
I visit these places only to see
My living reflection that loves to be mean.= i like that you come back to your mean reflection

I’ve cleared my intention with I don’t care.
Should I say it again in one violent flow?=doesnt flow to me
What is it that you want me to speak?=am i seeing broken heart song/poem?

As I try to hide laughter, I can’t hold back my smile.
My actions & conscience has worked out a deal.
I visit these places only to see
My living reflection that loves to be mean.
to me the above i dont like how that it complelely repeats maybe a little tweak here?


It won’t make a difference not at least for me= this flows to me


I am traveling again on a road to nowhere. = scratch the above said comment with this piece together it actually nice
I’m adding to sayings that a loser defines.
I visit these places only to find
My living reflection that loves to be me


i think the repeats might be a little average unlike the imagery that you are makeing me see
this one to me was anice read i dont have really anything negative to other than the above said comment but then it cancelled itself out so im glad i could crit a piece of your and tell you what i think about your writings i dont think what i had to say was to terriablely helpful
but anyways startin to ramble so yea i give a 6 on a 1-10
#3
I don't have time to crit every line right now...but I really like it. Especially that one line "As I try to hide laughter, I can’t hold back my smile." that really works for me...It's so simple but you can put so much into it...
all in all cool song!
#4
Hi,

Just a few notes.

A) Definitely change 'has' to 'have' it will make it read much better.

B) While I got the general flow here, just based on your rhyming and what not (which though not forced or anything sometimes just seemed a bit sub-par compared to imagery and ideas of the rest of the piece), this piece begs to be punctuated, there are quite a few spots where a comma could have made the piece just seem so much smoother.


C)

I see him still wearing the crown of his life.
Narrating the stories, he made up in his mind.
Still hung up to things he once designed


I didn't really like the introduction of the nameless he. It's only in one stanza... and it really doesn't seem to accomplish too much. I dunno, you shift from you, to he, and then back to you for the rest of the piece. seems a bit unnecessary.


D) This goes back to punctuation:

I’ve cleared my intention with, "I don’t care."
Should I say it again in one violent flow?
What is it that you want me to speak?
It won’t make a difference not at least for me

I'd make the last line, "It won't make a difference, at least not for me."


That's basically it. Seems like a decent piece... I don't know that I took to much out of it after reading, but it was pleasant to read. I liked your word choice for the most part. Mostly, I just wanted to see some punctuation.

Thanks for looking at my piece.

peace and coconuts,

-zC
Last edited by ZanasCross at Nov 15, 2007,