#1
I'm just posting this to show my work, I've already handed it in. This is only supposed to be the opening to a larger piece of work, so don't be surprised if it ends abruptly. I was going to put this into blogs, but it wouldn't fit. Oh, and "wall of text, run away!"

Missing Princess. Answers to the name of Dana. Reward: Hal f a kingdom, and her hand in marriage.

The sign that had been pasted outside the castle had already attracted the attention of most of the population of Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. It isn’t often in fantasy cities that princesses end up getting kidnapped. Most people don’t expect to see it happen more than once or twice a week.

Usually, the disappearance of royalty wouldn’t be a problem. Unfortunately, the only hero in Paradise City was currently unavailable. He had travelled to face a fearsome dragon that was terrorising a small village some distance south of the city, but had misunderstood the labelling on his armour. Apparently, inflammable and flammable mean the same thing.
With for a new hero now open, the poster had attracted two kinds of attention. The first kind being that of hundreds of old women, armed with knitting and a book by Lord Alan Titch of the marshes. The second kind being potential heroes from across the city. Wizards with spell books in hand, fighters with swords strapped over their backs, and even a vampire in sunglasses.

One of the more noticeable readers of the poster was a black mage. He had exchanged the usual pointed hat and robe attire for a jet black cape, which hung over a suit that had a white rose in the breast pocket. His shoulder length hair was jet black, except for a streak of white running down the centre. In short, he was so cool it’d make Samuel L. Jackson cry.

A smirk crept across this black mage’s mouth as he wheeled about, before striding away. The image was ruined by the fact that he only managed to stride into a dwarf, who was struggling to read the upper half of the poster.

Ignoring the gasping mage, the dwarf muttered to himself as he tried to understand the longer, more confusing words on the poster. For a dwarf, this included anything with two or more syllables. Eventually giving up on his fruitless task, he turned to the now blue-faced mage.
“Look, you can bloody well stop being a pansy, and tell me what the sign says.”

“Crossword ... puzzle .. .in ... today’s ... Daily ...”

“Not that sign! The one about the reward,” snapped the short-tempered (excuse the pun) dwarf.

“Oh, that says that the princess has gone missing. You get her hand in marriage and half the kingdom if you bring her back,” the mage, now able to breathe once more, pressed down on the dwarf’s head in order to push himself up to his feet.

“Do that again, and I will personally feed you to a troll. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a damsel in distress to save.”

“Excuse me? I think you’ve gotten it a bit mixed up. It is I who shall be doing the saving. Morlan - Black Mage extraordinaire and ruler of one half of Paradise City! I like the sound of that,” the mage struck an overly dramatic heroic pose as he announced his prospective title, causing a group of nearby wrenches to giggle.

“Merlin?”

“Shut up! Do you want to get the author in trouble for plagiarism?”

“Well, he’s already called this place Paradise City, so he’s already done for,” shrugged the dwarf.

“That’s a tip of the hat! Look, I’ve got a plan...”

“...Oh dear...”

“Shut it. You want the princesses hand in marriage,”

“Oh, it’s not her hand I’m after,” laughed the dwarf, making suggestive eyebrow motions so fast that his bushy eyebrows threatened to burst into flame.

“Please stop talking, it’ll make this experience much more enjoyable for everyone involved. You want ... things ... and I want half of the kingdom. So, I have a proposal for you.” Morlan readjusted his cape, as if that would give him extra powers of persuasion.

“A proposal? I’m planning on getting married to the princess, thank you.”

“Just be quiet. Why don’t we both put our talents together, and rescue the princess with a joint effort. My intelligence and mastery of magic, and your whatever-it-is-you’re-good-at. When we get back, I take the half of the kingdom, and you take the princess.”

The dwarf stroked his beard whilst he considered an offer. Being a dwarf, this meant that he had a beard long enough to make Zakk Wylde give up and go home. Eventually, he looked up at Morlan (he didn’t really have a choice), and nodded.

“Fantastic,” smiled the mage, or at least he twisted his mouth into what was as close to being a smile as he could manage. “We should get another person though, some idiot who can go into battles first.”

Almost immediately, both of the men’s eyes drifted towards a shaven headed hulk of a man, who carried an axe that was almost as large as Morlan’s body. With a smug smirk of satisfaction, the black mage tapped his potential hiring on the shoulder.

“Salutations gentlemen, what predicament might I be able to assist you with?”

With eyes wider than saucers, the two plotters looked bewilderedly at one another, before looking back at the giant.

“Um ... do you know the way to the library?” asked Morlan, eventually managing to force the words out.

“Of course, I visit every day, it really is a wonderful source of knowledge. You merely have to take the main road until you come to the public house called the Unicorn’s Head, then you take a right turn and you’ll see it right in front of you,” the enormous arm of the giant waved as he accompanied his directions with pointing gestures, apparently believing that he should include them just in case the pair didn’t know the difference between left and right. Morlan and the dwarf nodded their thanks, and walked a way down the path.

“By the love of my hammer! Either that guy swallowed a dictionary, or my name isn’t Kelly Viljanen,” gasped the dwarf.

“I know, he ... wait, Kelly?”

“It can be a man’s name too! Get with the times, and stop being so judgemental! CAN’T YOU JUDGE ME FOR MY FIGHTING SKILLS OR MY DETERMINATION? WHY MUST YOU BE SO CRUEL? NO FATHER, DON’T LOCK ME IN THE MINE AGAIN!” The dwarf’s face had turned a shade of red similar to that of Alex Ferguson’s nose, and the shaking of his clenched fists, coupled with the fact that he was breathing at an astonishing rate prompted the mage to take a couple of steps backwards, his hands raised in a placating manner. After a long pause, Morlan finally dared to speak once more.

“Wow, that was uncomfortable. Wait, look at that guy. He can barely read the sign, he should be an easy target.” Approaching a young-looking fighter, who had barely managed to get past the third word of the poster, Morlan put a friendly arm around his latest target’s shoulder.

“My name’s Henry,” said the fighter, grinning moronically.

“That’s lovely. You look like you can hold your own in a fight. How would you like to become the latest member our esteemed princess rescuing group?”

“What? How many people are in the group?”

“At the moment, two. Myself, and Kelly over there.”

“Kelly?” The fighter looked even more confused than usual, as he looked towards the heavily tattooed dwarf.

“Don’t, he’s sensitive about that. We were thinking that you would be the perfect addition to the group, as whilst we have my intelligence, and his determination, we lack someone that is a master in the art of battle. If we had you on board, your fighting skills would surely give us the edge in any confrontation that we might find ourselves in on our epic quest.”

“I invent too,” muttered Henry, almost grumpily, as if offended that Morlan was referring only to his fighting abilities.

“Really? What do you invent?” asked Kelly, suspiciously.

“I invent weapons. Just today I invented a new weapon. You know how axes have one blade?”

“Yes?”

“Well, I had the idea of attaching an extra blade to an axe, so that you can swing it both ways at your enemy,” with pride almost radiating off him, the fighter beamed at the speechless duo. From nearby, another dwarf raised his weapon, which was a double-edged axe.

“You mean like this?”

“What? No! No! That can’t be ... No!” the fighter’s face fell. Picking it up again, he crunched up a piece of paper that had a crude drawing of a double edged axe on it, and threw it into a nearby bin. Looking as sympathetic as a dwarf possibly can, Kelly gently patted Henry on the hip, whilst Morlan had to turn away so that he could convincingly disguise his laughing as a coughing fit. When he finally managed to recover, he clapped his hands together in an official manner.

“Right, if we’re going to rescue the princess, we’re going to have to start heading towards the castle,” he announced.

“Wait, castle? How do you know a castle’s going to be involved?” asked Henry.

“Look, it’s a princess. The princess has been kidnapped. Of course she’s going to be in a castle. It’s almost tradition,” Morlan’s response was greeted by a series of nods, and murmurs of agreement. “Right, I suggest that we all meet here at dawn tomorrow, with all our weapons, books, food, inventing ha tools, and whatnot.”

“Inventing ha tools?” Henry glared at Morlan suspiciously.

“I sneezed. Do we have a deal, gentlemen?” The dwarf and the fighter nodded, each man shaking hand with the other, with Henry getting confused and shaking hands with a confused and very frightened old woman. “Remember, dawn tomorrow,” were Morlan’s last words, before he turned on his heel and strode away, his cape flying behind him in the wind. Kelly shrugged, before waddling away in the opposite direction. Being left on his own, Henry began to walk away, before pausing.

“Wait. What time is dawn?”
#2
Quote by Minkaro
The sign that had been pasted outside the castle had already attracted the attention of most of the population of Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

*Resists the urge to put a rolleyes emoticon.*

But otherwise; I think it's good .
Last edited by blue_strat at Nov 15, 2007,
#3
It's not bad... but the allusions will be over a lot of people's heads. Zakk Wylde and Alex Ferguson may be common knowledge to you, but to many those two comments don't mean a thing. An allusion only works if it's someone or something historically monumental. Even calling it Paradise City and then making the joke about it being a rip-off isn't really appropriate because unless you know the music of Guns n' Roses, you won't get the joke.
from.lashes.to.ashes || from.lust.to.dust
#4
^ +1

I remember I once put a reference to Layla (the song) into an English essay, and all I got from the teacher was "???". The Alan Titchmarsh and Alex Furguson references should be ok; but maybe find someone else to take Zakk's place.
#5
Quote by blue_strat
^ +1

I remember I once put a reference to Layla (the song) into an English essay, and all I got from the teacher was "???". The Alan Titchmarsh and Alex Furguson references should be ok; but maybe find someone else to take Zakk's place.


I dunno, I think Alex Ferguson might have been my mistake. The teacher I have is really into his music, so I've no doubt that he'll be familiar with Zakk. Never spoken to him about sports or gardening though
#6
The references to modern life don't work in a fantasy story and some of them were a bit cringeworthy, but apart from that it was pretty decent. I'd take them out and it would be damn good.
#7
Quote by Minkaro
The dwarf stroked his beard whilst he considered an offer. Being a dwarf, this meant that he had a beard long enough to make Zakk Wylde give up and go home.

This doesn't quite make sense to me. You've said "being a dwarf", so you don't need the "this meant that"; and you're describing the action of him stroking the beard as it being a long beard ...

Maybe try:

"The dwarf stroked his beard while he considered the offer. Being a dwarf, his beard was long enough to put Karl Marx to shame, and this took a while." ?
#8
Quote by blue_strat
"The dwarf stroked his beard while he considered the offer. Being a dwarf, his beard was long enough to put Karl Marx to shame, and this took a while." ?


I don't know who Karl Marx is

Well, I do know roughly who he is, but I've never seen any photos of him to know that he possesses an impressive beard.

But thanks for the advice, I'm going to keep it in mind for my next assignment
#10
8 Bit Theater, anyone?
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