#1
Think I have a good idea going here but want some help as to how I might develop it some more. Thanks and C4C.

_____


Munch, munch, munch.
The cows standing to the right
of the fence leaning in to the left
chomp down on the grass,
it’s always greener on the other side.

Munch, munch, munch.
The cows standing to the left
of the fence leaning in to the right
chomp down on the grass,
it’s always greener on the other side.

The cows aren’t munching today.
They’re on the plate instead. Luckily
they are foolish enough to live in bliss
until the moment they hit the sizzling pan.

Steak tastes the same to the left or the right
of the fence,
just as it does to the left or the right
of the plate.
Last edited by confusius at Nov 16, 2007,
#2
you know what i think. i'll do an in-depth crit later.


edit: so pretentious
Last edited by phantom1 at Nov 15, 2007,
#4
i dont have a whole lot to say i thought it was quite amusing its deffinantly diffierent not a bad different but a unique different, i would contiune to develope once you done than i'll give you a line by line criti also might alternate between munch,munch,munch and something else. i think it time to get out your thesaurus
have you checked out my piece, i dont think so.
if not check it out and tell me what you think i should change
the link is
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
C4C?
#5
Personally I don't think the dialogue adds anything. I might even prefer it without. And I think "it's always greener on the other side" should be it's own sentence.

Other than that I like it.

Cool.
#7
I'll probably be back to explain the next statement but,

I really think this is the worst thing I have read by you. All you prove here is that you can make an image reoccur throughout a piece. There is nothing here, it may appear you are saying something, making a heartfelt statement, but really, there is nothing here, no style, no story, no reason for me to read it. All that is here is a bunch of words, some repetition to back up the monotony of those words, a couple of incredibly weak adjectives and verbs, proving that, what? The few meanings I can draw from this dont deserve to be written about like this. Really, this piece brings nothing to the table (punnery!) except for a weak image of cows eating and something eating small pieces of cows not proving a very solid point.

But who knows, maybe you're just being ontological *shrug* (that was supposed to be a joke... a bad joke, but a joke...)

and I know I didnt give you that many specifics to work on but could you leave just a short comment? pwease? I would be much obliged... https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=11507216#post11507216
Last edited by #1 synth at Nov 16, 2007,