#1
This is a song I recently wrote. As always, crit for a crit

They call themselves conscious, they call themselves free
Forging their fancy and all they perceive
Permitting such a foe to influence so deep
Instilled with a fear to conform, to agree

Poison it was, it's not you to blame
Trickery, treason, one in the same
Ability forgotten, identity forgotten, perspective forgotten, aptitude retained

They call themselves conscious, they call themselves free
Disguised in a suit of significance, of glee
Living a lie, misled to mislead
Vacuous knowledge is all one can heed

They'll bribe you, indulge you with falsified gems
Sapphires, rubys, emeralds, diamonds
Take a close look, take a close gander, take into account, your treasures are made out of tin

They call themselves conscious, they call themselves free
Deaf, blind, plain senseless to a blatant vestige
Insisting it's contentful, the only way to be
But contention, anxiety, is all which I see

So take a march in your parade
I don't mean to ruin your masquerade
Watch with false spirit, watch with false comfort, watch o' so joyous as your antidote slips away

Well aren't you so lucrative my own true love
Sustaining your senses, your instinctive touch
You speak with your pencil, express with your brush
You've learned how to trust and forgotten how to blush

You pay close attention but you don't pay to lose
Surfacing brave, not a cut, not a bruise
Withdrawn from distortion, untwisting the torsion, dissolving the lie, conglamoration defused
Withdrawn from distortion, untwisting the torsion, dissolving the lie, conglamoration refused
#2
Quote by Homer Gibson
This is a song I recently wrote. As always, crit for a crit

They call themselves conscious, they call themselves free
Forging their fancy and all they perceive
Permitting such a foe to influence so deep
Instilled with a fear to conform, to agree

I like the rhythm you've set for this. At least, how I read it, it flows really well. I'm not crazy about the use of "foe", mind you, I'm never crazy about the use of it. It doesn't kill the stanza at all, just a personal thing. And, since I'm apparently nit-picking...the comma pre-"to agree" ruins the flow, just a tad. Instead I would try, "Instilled with a fear to conform and agree". But, this is just in writing - spoken this might not be an issue.

Poison it was, it's not you to blame
Trickery, treason, one in the same
Ability forgotten, identity forgotten, perspective forgotten, aptitude retained

Nothing to say here.

They call themselves conscious, they call themselves free
Disguised in a suit of significance, of glee
Living a lie, misled to mislead
Vacuous knowledge is all one can heed

Good use of repetition. Again though, if there's one thing that sticks out, it's the word "glee". I feel it's only there to retain the rhyme. This verse is okay, but doesn't particularly jump out at me.

They'll bribe you, indulge you with falsified gems
Sapphires, rubys, emeralds, diamonds
Take a close look, take a close gander, take into account, your treasures are made out of tin

I'm not crazy about "take a close gander". You've already strayed from what you did previously, in respect to how your formed this, so I don't see why it would be necessary to do the same type of repetition as earlier. I like the final part to this (treasures-tin), but not the line leading up to it.

They call themselves conscious, they call themselves free
Deaf, blind, plain senseless to a blatant vestige
Insisting it's contentful, the only way to be
But contention, anxiety, is all which I see

I would maybe get rid of "which". Other than that I like this.

So take a march in your parade
I don't mean to ruin your masquerade
A bit predictable.
Watch with false spirit, watch with false comfort, watch o' so joyous as your antidote slips away
Okay.

Well aren't you so lucrative my own true love
Sustaining your senses, your instinctive touch
You speak with your pencil, express with your brush
You've learned how to trust and forgotten how to blush

My favourite part of the piece.

You pay close attention but you don't pay to lose
Surfacing brave, not a cut, not a bruise
Withdrawn from distortion, untwisting the torsion, dissolving the lie, conglamoration defused
Withdrawn from distortion, untwisting the torsion, dissolving the lie, conglamoration refused

Nice outro.


Overall, a little lengthy, but not bad. I did enjoy reading it, both due to content and form. Nothing else to say that I havn't already.
I am by no means a skilled writer, these are merely my personal thoughts on your piece, simply from a reader's point of view, so take into account what you wish.
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