#1
Verse I

I thought you were mine,
I gave you an offer, But you had to decline,
Those 3 words I used to say to you,
When you try to say them now, They carry right on through.

I like your hair I said last may,
But it just feels like you shut me away,
Now I just wish I could you could be with me,
But you just sit there watching TV.

Chorus

I really miss you now, you know I do,
Then you forgot the thing and then you withdrew.
Now you walk off, like I dont exist,
When I come home, now I really feel missed.

Verse II

I lay in bed thinking your on my waiting list,
Then I realise it wont happen, so I clench my fist,
When I finally drift off, I dream all night,
But when I wake up the dream gives me a fright.

Then I thought I could make her
But that thought turned my life a blur
I couldn't hurt a girl as sweet as you
I think of those words and wonder if they still carry right on through


This poem is partial emotion, partial fiction, as the feelings come from I girl I love, who
declined.


Please make any suggestions.
Last edited by Cammeh at Nov 15, 2007,
#2
nice topic man but to me it seemed like you tried to force words in just to create a rhyme scheme. but i really like the message over all good work. Hey check out mine it's called Serenity.
#6
Quote by Cammeh
Verse I

I thought you were mine,
I gave you an offer, But you had to decline,
Those 3 words I used to say to you,
When you try to say them now, They carry right on through.

Not bad intro. I have a fear that your rhyme scheme might be the downfall of this piece though. We shall see....

I like your hair I said last may,
But it just feels like you shut me away,
Now I just wish I could you could be with me,
But you just sit there watching TV.

Ah yes. I'm not crazy about this. I tpyically like peices with a bit of a story to them, with this type of content....but, I feel you're worrying too much about what word to end your next line with than you are with the line itself.

Chorus

I really miss you now, you know I do,
Then you forgot the thing and then you withdrew.
The thing?!
Now you walk off, like I dont exist,
When I come home, now I really feel missed.
Again, rhyming is overpowering and ruining the piece.

Verse II

I lay in bed thinking your on my waiting list,
Then I realise it wont happen, so I clench my fist,
When I finally drift off, I dream all night,
But when I wake up the dream gives me a fright.

Eh. Not crazy about this.

Then I thought I could make her
But that thought turned my life a blur
I couldn't hurt a girl as sweet as you
I think of those words and wonder if they still carry right on through



Okay.
Now, it is super hard to write original relationship-driven lyrics. You really need to be original and interesting for it to be at its full potential. You had some good idea,s but focused too much on your rhymes.
Content is what grabs the reader, not whether or not you know that "Find" and "Mine" rhyme.
With some revisions it will be much better.
Return the favour if you can. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=713015 Thanks
#7
I thought you were mine,
I gave you an offer, But you had to decline,
Those 3 words I used to say to you,
When you try to say them now, They carry right on through.= eh its okay im feeling alittle force here? or did it flow like this?

I like your hair I said last may,
But it just feels like you shut me away,
Now I just wish I could you could be with me,=looks like you've got an extra could here
But you just sit there watching TV.=i like the me-tv but i dont really feel the "may" part

Chorus

I really miss you now, you know I do,=okay here
Then you forgot the thing and then you withdrew.=i think you should check out a thesaurus
Now you walk off, like I dont exist,
When I come home, now I really feel missed.= this is starting to flow a little more smoothly

Verse II

I lay in bed thinking your on my waiting list,= dont get this line
Then I realise it wont happen, so I clench my fist,
When I finally drift off, I dream all night,
But when I wake up the dream gives me a fright.=totally re-late-able i guess your picking up speed a little lets see just how fast and how far you go.

Then I thought I could make her=never works(making them)
But that thought turned my life a blur
I couldn't hurt a girl as sweet as you=emotionally or physically?
I think of those words and wonder if they still carry right on through the endings not too shabby over all i think you should deff keep writin and it looks for the most part people have liked it so and i thought it was decent enough there are a few improvments you could make but like you said this all your feeling and i really dont see how you judge someones feelings 100% anyways i look forward to your stuff in the future,and have you checked out my piece "girls are ****ing evil my friend " if you havent check it out and give me your opinion the link is
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
C4C?