#1
I haven't given this a title. I wrote it a few weeks ago. The only thing I've written that I would say is passable as a song, though I'm sure it could be better. Constructive criticism is welcome.

I wake up to the blinding sunlight
I inhale the air as dry as the bones
Of the dead lying with me
As I struggle to breathe

I don't remember
I can't recall
How I got there
Or was I there at all?

I struggle to the surface
Attempt to make it out
Of this shallow grave
Where I was expected to die

I don't remember
I can't recall
How I got there
Or was I there at all?

I slip on the sand
Of this desert wasteland
attempting to breathe
But drowning in the dust

I wake up to see the white of my ceiling
Inhaling the air as wet as my forehead
I look around
And it was only a dream
My League of Legends stream
The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest

Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you, decide to wake up
Last edited by SOADrox429 at Nov 27, 2008,
#2
Verse 1 and 2 are pretty sweet, i find its weird that the first is only 3 lines. Pretty good though. I think you could still take these lyrics to a whole new level i find your main though is pretty powerful and thought provoking.
Last edited by Mettliccaa at Nov 15, 2007,
#3
Yeah, it was actually just a sudden thought. Once I had the idea in my head, I ran to the computer and types this up in like 3 or 4 minutes. I actually didn't even realize that all but the first verse were three inches, though. I may add another line to that.
My League of Legends stream
The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest

Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you, decide to wake up
#4
hhhmmpff, imo very interesting and also unexpected ending. i did enjoy this piece, particullary because of the original images. also, a very clever paradox u've got about slipping on the sand! stuff i didnt like were: the repetition of 'breathe' + i find it the phrase 'Or was I there at all?' lacking flow + the second stanza was a lil cliche. otherwise, i enjoyed. sorry for 'not veryconstructive criticism'.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=714816