#1
This....is sad for me. On so many levels. It's about a lot of things....


Big heart.
Big eyes.
Breathing out chamber Pop.
"Randy, get in the movement. You dance like a
Totem pole!"
You'll feel bad about everything you'll ever do.
You'll go to Calvary Cemetary to ghost hunt with friends
and won't even run for the exit when that same old hag
ghost shows up to chase you and your friends out.
Just smile, nod, and say,
"Apparently I dance like a Totem pole, Agna."

I hear over the Rhine, the girls make their own clothes.
They travel to class with their portfolios balancing
on their heads to avoid the flood waters.
You'll feel bad about everything you'll ever do.
Then one of them will guide your hands over a sewing machine,
showing you how to cross-stitch.
You'll stitch your name into a violet cloth to hang up on
the bulletin board for all of them to see.
And they'll applaud.
And you'll say to yourself,
"If this isn't nice....Then I don't know what is."
Poor advice.
#2
I'm absolutely interested in this piece..

I'm not sure which thoughts to pick out and piece together here..
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
I would start the piece off with the fourth line. The first three short lines really didn't grab my attention. However the line in quotes got me interested in the piece and I liked the simile you used there.(Did some really tell you dance like a totem pole?). The rest of the stanza had good imagery and painted a picture in my head which is of course a good thing. However, I don't think it's necessary that the reader knows the name of the ghost.
From the second stanza I would cut out the "I hear". And once again, very vivid imagery. And from the "sewing machine" line to the end, I felt a lot of emotion from this piece. I nearly cried when I read the last line. As I final suggestion I think you should italicize "You'll feel bad" lines. Anyways, great job, Randy.

Crit mine please
Love Song Requiem
#4
I think the opening structure works either way. The third line could work as the opening line. But at the same time, I don't think it matters.

But thanks, the both of you.
Poor advice.
#7
Real touching. I don't know what the personal meaning you have in mind is but it was lovely to read.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
Overall, this is pretty good had some nice images and ideas of the ghost and the ladies carry books, and I did get a pretty emotional feeling towards the end which you should certainly keep. I have read better from you but I have also read worse.
#10
I love how your work takes on kind of a postmodern form, where you can interpret it a lot of different ways.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#11
You don’t right these kind of piece generally but this one is sad .When the ending binds the whole piece together . I liked the imagery of ghost hunting and women sewing clothes . I know my crit. is very lame but I don’t see anything that I should criticize you for
Hi