#1
this is forever

it was the last thing she said
when she got up from the table
my mind said that i should move
but i knew i was unable

im left sitting in my chair
dumb founded on what to do now
hollow thoughts filling my mind
im light headed, im breaking down

i feel like ive stayed too long
im spinning my wheels
but i just stir up the ground where i walk
and now im out of here

there is a path ahead
i know exactly where it leads
but if i look back now
i still cant seem to see
down the trail i was lead
its not the one i followed in
and i cant see how
this all came to be

far behind, your road is gone
this is how it feels
i let out a breath, maybe we should talk
and let go of our fears

those times are gone but i can still remember
we sang those songs singing this will be forever
can you see the picture its just like a dream
everyones happy laughing smiling we sing

this is forever
#2
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Quote by Metallica
this is forever

This is great I don't know why no one's replied...

it was the last thing she said
when she got up from the table
my mind said that i should move
but i knew i was unable

I like the rhyme and it really fits. Also what did she say? was it "this is forever"?
im left sitting in my chair
dumbfounded on what to do now
hollow thoughts filling my mind
im light headed, im breaking down

This is also good. It adds on to the first verse really well.

i feel like ive stayed too long
im spinning my wheels
but i just stir up the ground where i walk
and now im out of here

I'm not exactly sure what you're meaning to say with "im spinning my wheels, but i just stir up the ground where i walk"

there is a path ahead
i know exactly where it leads
but if i look back now
i still cant seem to see
down the trail i was lead
its not the one i followed in
and i cant see how
this all came to be

I like this part a lot. It's kinda mysterious and it sounds like you feel like you can't go back to where you were but you know where the path leads to.

far behind, your road is gone
this is how it feels
i let out a breathe, maybe we should talk
and let go of our fears

This adds on to the song, which is important because it needs to go somewhere.

those times are gone but i can still remember
we sang those songs singing this will be forever
can you see the picture its just like a dream
everyones happy laughing smiling we sing

i think this last part is excellent because you talk of the memories you had, but if you switched it around I think it would finish the song a lot better. Like this:

can you see the picture its just like a dream
everyones happy laughing smiling we sing
those times are gone but i can still remember
we sang those songs singing this will be forever.

Overall, one of the best songs I've seen on UG. 9/10



C4C? It's in my sig.
Last edited by k00kie M0nster at Nov 16, 2007,
#3
thanks a lot. i like how you re arranged the last stanza, i might keep it like that, ill have to read it again after a couple of days and see how i like it then.
CAN I GET A +1?!
#4
Quote by Metallica
this is forever

it was the last thing she said
before she got up from the table
my mind told me i should move
but i knew i was unable

Nice way to open the piece. Created a setting in my head

im left sitting in my chair
dumb founded on what to do now
hollow thoughts filling my mind Not sure about the word hollow. It's just too overdramatic..
im light headed and breaking down

i feel like ive stayed too long
im spinning my wheels
but i just stir up the ground where i walk
and now im out of here

The flow in this section seems to be kind of off. Perhaps you should cut out the second and fourth lines and replace "but" with "so"

there is a path ahead
i know exactly where it leads
but if i look back now
i still cant seem to see These first four lines are really good. Howver, I think the last four lines could use a rewrite. They lack the flow that the beginning of the stanza had
down the trail i was lead
its not the one i followed in
and i cant see how
this all came to be

far behind, your road is gone
this is how it feels
i let out a breath, "maybe we should talk"
and let go of our fears

Once again I suggest cutting out the second and fourth lines to help to flow better.

those times are gone but i can still remember
we sang those songs singing this will be forever
can you see the picture its just like a dream
everyones happy laughing smiling we sing

I love this last stanza. The rhythm and the wording were both great. However, I would rearrange it the way Kookie suggested
this is forever


Well, I enjoyed reading this piece and I hope to see more from you.

Crit mine please
Love Song Requiem
#5
A really good piece, it has a strong feel to it that I feel has real potential for the makings of a successful song if you wanted it to be.

Quote by Metallica
this is forever

it was the last thing she said
when she got up from the table
my mind said that i should move
but i knew i was unable

I really enjoy the way this starts off with a strong anthemic statement. And to be honest, I'm impressed by the effective rhyme off table, rather than something awkward and clunky.

im left sitting in my chair
dumb founded on what to do now
hollow thoughts filling my mind
im light headed, im breaking down

Not much to say, other than nice scance rhyme. I can see this building as it goes along, nicely done.

i feel like ive stayed too long
im spinning my wheels
but i just stir up the ground where i walk
and now im out of here

The last bit stands out a bit since it doesn't seem to rhyme where it should, with 'wheels'. I'm also not sure I like the narrative explicitly saying "This is how I feel." Perhaps if you reworked it to something along the lines of... "I've stayed here too long // Now just spinning my wheels // I stir up the ground where I walk // Forced to know just how this feels" Though that's purely up to you and your own personal opinion.

there is a path ahead
i know exactly where it leads
but if i look back now
i still cant seem to see
down the trail i was lead
its not the one i followed in
and i cant see how
this all came to be

far behind, your road is gone
this is how it feels
i let out a breath, maybe we should talk
and let go of our fears

I really enjoy the pairing of these two parts. I really like how it breaks the previous pattern and really digs deep into what is being said in this song.

those times are gone but i can still remember
we sang those songs singing this will be forever
can you see the picture its just like a dream
everyones happy laughing smiling we sing

this is forever

A really good ending and closure, bringing in the spirit that it so strongly started with from the first words. Very nice imagery that contrasts with how it had been transformed.
Last edited by Delanoir at Nov 17, 2007,
#6
the more i read it the more i agree with you, delanoir, about the part saying 'this is how i feel' i think it kind fo takes away from the piece because its too direct.
CAN I GET A +1?!
#7
I really like this song. I found it to be free of bad cliches and otherwise. I like how you use basic story telling techniques vs generic songwriting. I like the whole feel of it really. I think when you sing it, it could either be great if you add the proper emotion in the right parts, or it could fail. I say it could fail because while its pretty good, its not totally amazing. with good vocals though you could definitely have something great.