#1
It's one poem, not actually two songs. Just want to get that out of the way. Also, I cannibalized a stanza from my last poem for this one. The old one is dead, you can look for it if you want, but don't bump it.


"Two Songs With Your Name In Them"


I. Scherzo

It rained all day,
And the water stained the sides of the library
Like a pair of matching draperies, frayed
Ends that stretched like fruit bat wings
Discoloring the cold concrete. I wanted you to see.

II. Trio

We danced the cold-sweat jitterbug
On an adderal drip.
Is that the last memory I'll have of you?

Tonight the winds that bear my name
Are blowing batshit over Providence.
I want you to know that I'm significant.

When the east coast lies in ruins
I'll think of you and smile; say,
"That's such a gentle name,
For a hurricane."
#2


Hey Even, hey , hi, good to be able to get around to critting your stuff again.


"Two Songs With Your Name In Them"

I. Scherzo

It rained all day,
A rather simple, bland start I thought. Maybe try mixing this up a bit, the first two lines I mean. " the water stained the sides of the library" would be a heck of a stronger, more interesting start.
And the water stained the sides of the library
Like a pair of matching draperies, frayed
Ends that stretched like fruit bat wings
Discoloring the cold concrete. I wanted you to see.
Hmm, I wasn't too sure on the simile used here. although I liked the concrete part, the bat wings part didn't really set in my opinion.

II. Trio

We danced the cold-sweat jitterbug
On an adderal drip.
Is that the last memory I'll have of you?
Cool.

Tonight the winds that bear my name
Are blowing batshit over Providence.
Eh, I don't see why you felt the need to really curse. to be honest, in this piece it just felt really out of place. It would be cool, to, to see a change in atmosphere in the two parts. Like, you talk more about the hurricane in this one, so why not put in a few more violent words? I'll go back t Heaney's death of a naturalist here, it has a huge effect in the piece if you can really uses a stronger semantic field. I just think it would have been nice to see this a little stronger, and (cursing-wise) a little more thoughtful.
I want you to know that I'm significant.
this was good too, allowing me to draw a bit of my own meaning.

When the east coast lies in ruins
I'll think of you and smile; say,
"That's such a gentle name,
For a hurricane."
Cracking, cracking end, Evan. top-notch.

This was good, although I still am waiting go t be really wowed from you, to be honest. But I like your writing, and will hopefully get to another of your pieces sometime.

Rose in my sig is my latest, I'd really love a comment or something. Much appreciated if you can. All the best.

#3
ah, yes. that verse found its home. more later, I like the music of it
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#4
"Tonight the winds that bear my name
Are blowing bat**** over Providence.
I want you to know that I'm significant."

Believe I've seen this before.

I like it better in this piece.

Along with this piece, more, overall.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#5
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
[


I. Scherzo

It rained all day,
And the water stained the sides of the library
Like a pair of matching draperies, frayed
Ends that stretched like fruit bat wings
Discoloring the cold concrete. I wanted you to see.

I'm with Jammy on this one... your opening is considerably weaker than the rest of this stanza, which makes its highly unsatisfactory. The simile is interesting, but it flows well so I won't say anything negative... because it is interesting and flowing. Really enjoyed the ending line. So far, definitely hooked and committed to reading hte rest of this.


II. Trio

We danced the cold-sweat jitterbug
On an adderal drip.
Is that the last memory I'll have of you?

Very good concept, however, I really didn't feel much flow here. Like, I started to with the first two lines, but then the last one killed it. And then I tried reading it differently and the last two flowed, but the first was off. No real suggestions though, without taking away the concept... so yeah.


Tonight the winds that bear my name
Are blowing batshit over Providence.
I want you to know that I'm significant.

This is really vague, and its kind of dismaying, because it sounds so deep (the whole poem) but I'm not really taking anything out of it. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, its just that your writing in such detail, that it feels like I'm missing some sort of life-changing metaphor. Dunno if I am. This stanza in particular really sounds like it has some sort of point, but the lines feel disconnected. Like, the third line on its own means something, and the first two mean something completely different. The just don't really seem to fit. I will however say that I don't mind the curse here. Normally, I don't enjoy seeing cursing in poetry, but it really does seem to fit the tone of the line here.

When the east coast lies in ruins
I'll think of you and smile; say,
"That's such a gentle name,
For a hurricane."

Again, a neat idea and well delivered, but your whole poem has just felt disconnected to me. Which may very well just be me missing something, some sort of tip to what you are talking about. But, if I'm not getting it, other people probably won't either. I really don't have much negative to say about this stanza though... it sounds good.


Overall, the piece is well written, well composed and save for a few rough spots seems to flow pretty well. I just feel like I didn't really take anything out of it. Which makes it a little disappointing, because it didn't come off as a piece I'm just supposed to read for the joy of reading it... it came off as something that should be deep and meaningful to the reader, like there was supposed to be an "Ah-hah, I get it!" moment, and I didn't have one. It definitely sounds good though, and there are a lot of really good ideas in this piece.

Sorry for taking so long to get back, and I hope this is somewhat helpful.

-zC
Last edited by ZanasCross at Nov 17, 2007,
#6
Quote by *Truly Ninja*

I. Scherzo

It rained all day,
And the water stained the sides of the library
Like a pair of matching draperies, frayed
Ends that stretched like fruit bat wings
Discoloring the cold concrete. I wanted you to see.
I like it, its interesting. Whats a drapery? I didnt like the "bat wings", the image felt out of place, too sinister or gothic. I do like the beginning though, "it rained all day" is an obvious pathetic fallacy and sets the tone well.

II. Trio

We danced the cold-sweat jitterbug
On an adderal drip.
Is that the last memory I'll have of you?
"adernal" isnt a word, do you mean adrenal? I didnt like the last line, it feels clumsy and unnatural. I'm sure you can find a better way to say this.

Tonight the winds that bear my name
Are blowing batshit over Providence.
I want you to know that I'm significant.
I love this stanza, though I still dont quite get what this is about. Who are you addressing when you say "I want you to know"?

When the east coast lies in ruins
I'll think of you and smile; say,
"That's such a gentle name,
For a hurricane."
Beautiful ending, abosluely stunning. Contrasing, artful, aphoristic genius. Very well written peice, in my opinion.


Peace
Dave