#1
this is for like hardcore punk/metalcore/experimental, be honest if it sucks

inside we hide what we dont want to know
but when you ignore them problems only grow
lie to yourself saying everything's ok
but if you dont solve them they'll never go away
as fear builds up inside you
you dont know what to do
just give me all your cares
maybe that'll answer all your prayers

CHORUS
(you're not alone)
just look around
(i'll be there )
holding your hand
just let me help
you cant save (yourself)

verse 2
why do you hide these secrets from me
you know you can trust me completely
if we dont trust each otherthen who can we believe
tell me all your cares your fears to relieve
stop ignoring me like i dont exist
why do you your conscience resist
just confess of these lies
and wipe those tears from your eyes

repeat chorus

(tried to offer you my help
you turned away in disgust
thinking all you have left is yourself
you threw away our trust
gone now is our friendship
yet you dont seem to care
but you know i'll still be there)

repeat chorus

fade out

the () mean screaming
so tell me what yall think
Last edited by deanguy at Nov 16, 2007,
#2
Don't bump your thread. People [like me] will get around to it, so be patient. Anyway:
Quote by deanguy
this is for like hardcore punk, be honest if it sucks

inside we hide what we dont want to know
but when you ignore them problems only grow
lie to yourself saying everything's ok
but if you dont solve them they'll never go away
as fear builds up inside you
you dont know what to do
just give me all your cares
maybe that'll answer all your prayers

I really like this verse. The lines and consistent with each other in their meaning. The lines in bold are a little too similar though.

CHORUS
(you're not alone)
just look around
(i'll be there )
holding your hand
just let me help
you cant save (yourself)

Personally, I thought the verse was a lot better. In the chorus you use very little words that don't add much to the song.

verse 2
why do you hide these secrets from me?
you know you can trust me completely
if we dont trust each otherthen who can we believe
tell me all your cares your fears to relieve
stop ignoring me like i dont exist
why do you your conscience resist ?
just confess of these lies
and wipe those tears from your eyes

I think this verse is good. Not as strong as the 1st verse but it still flows well with th song.

repeat chorus

(tried to offer you my help
you turned away in disgust
thinking all you have left is yourself
you threw away our trust
gone now is our friendship
yet you dont seem to care
but you know i'll still be there)
This chorus is better, but I think you should add some rhyming too it.

repeat chorus

fade out

I think this would suit better as a pop-punk song, but I think it's a good start. 5.5/10
Last edited by k00kie M0nster at Nov 16, 2007,
#6
Quote by k00kie M0nster
Don't bump your thread. People [like me] will get around to it, so be patient. Anyway:

thanx for the input,i was kinda thinking the same thing about the chorus,guess i'll rewrite it later
#7
o and that part where i say repeat chorus i mean to sing the first chorus,that's just like a bridge,and i think the rythm kinda fits screaming,but yall guys have a lot more experience thanm as this is my first song