#1
or When they really get to know you they will run pt 2
or another title, I'm full of titles today


what was his name, Prometheus, Sisyphus? I could be wrong oh god must sound terribly uncultured illiterate but pushing same rock up mountain forever insufferable eternity. where did I read IDEA! came to love the rock embrace punishment enjoy suffering ow ah ah. let me tell you something, girl this morning ruined my day wearing those tight things stockings? leotard? you get what I mean, black expansion stretched too thin so that you could see her whole ass shake and sway. transparency, skin. buk would have loved it but me worry for humanity benevolent sexism what happens when glitter gone, old and soulless? finally find a good bra to bring to the burning chosen because worn no longer, old. and I'm sorry jill, still sorry I know don't kill messengers, partial fault only, a representative oh me oh my bring me my rock let me love its cracks and crevices
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#3
i uhh. totally don't get it. is it a story or lyrics?
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#4
You know what I love about your writing? There's no time to stop. It pushes you forward. And in this particular piece it came full circle, too. It's a brain transcript but not disjointed, as I find that brain transcripts sometimes are.

The only part I didn't like was this finally find a good bra to bring to the burning chosen because worn no longer, old. . I reread it without that line and it seemed better to me. I like the idea but it dragged the thing down now, or it did for me atleast. I would save the concept for another piece, personally.

My favourite part is this I could be wrong oh god must sound terribly uncultured illiterate.

I like your second title better btw.
#5
so, you're doing what i'm trying to do, just ten times better.

i loved this. i'm so tired at the moment, so i'm not going to do a full crit, but i'll get back to this when i feel like it. i don't know if i want to break this up into parts and crit those, maybe i'll just come back to write another paragraph about what i liked and what i did not like.

but i loved it.

if you have some time, i have one on the first page.
#6
yeah that line wiggled its way in at the last possible second right as UG was making its clicking noises to acknowledge my thread. I like the second title too but I don't like to make too many references so hmm. thanks guys
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#8
It's something good. I'd crit but I have about 5 people in the row first...


I really liked this, Mike. (you are Mike, right?)
#9
I really liked this peice. The prose-ish style was hard to get to grips with but it payed off in sounding rushed and stream of consiousness. I liked the allusions to greek myths. Not much I can say here though. This is pretty damn good, and I'm no expert on poetry, especially not written like this. I will have a go anways...
I thought you did jump from one idea to another with an uncomfortable immediacy. From the mythology to a girl in a loetard, a confusing transition, and without explanation. Its all very good, but without cohesion, or indeed, explanation, I dont really get what either image means, because they cancel each other out. I get the "embrace punishment" bit, and was waiting for it to be applied to a real situation, but the situation did not make sense because it seemed inapplicable...Oh I dont know. Well it confused me.
Thats not to say I didnt love it though..."bring me my rock let me love its cracks and crevices" was a brillinat closer. All in all, fantastic.

Peace
Dave
#11
feels like a stylistic knock-off. the more I read it the more I dislike it and hate the references.
leave links if you want, I'll try

edit: yes, Mike
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at Nov 18, 2007,
#13
I found it to be a little gimmicky in the whole rock thing, kind of heavy handed in a bad way.

I mean, to me you could have just written,

I LOVE THINGS WITH IMPERFECTIONS.

At least with that your just as heavy handed, you're not using a semi tired cliche, and some people will like the bluntness of it.

You tried telling a story, but not really.
You tried having a decent metaphor but, meh.

I think this is one of your worst pieces I've read in a long time, plus the style that you wrote it was, just....terrible, it was hard to read, and when you did finally decode what is grammatically no different than a 6th grade love note, you feel empty because what you wrote kind of lacks the punch to make up for such ****ty style.

Sorry, the praise you were getting for this kind of, beckoned me to be harsh, but you know you're good, so don't let little ol' me tell you otherwise.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#14
I like the negative feedback better, it's something I can use. thank you.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in