#1
Crit for crit as always

Music is color on a silent canvas
and you had all my notes and chords framed
could I paint myself out and leave our memories hanging
just leave no signature who needs recognition? When we're all to blame

Silence is golden but you sang the whole spectrum
and without you everything is too clear
bone white skin, black night, red lips blew kisses
we'll just sing till we've heard it all and the longing disappears

The fire crackled, cracked jokes while I was burning
How we were sketchy about the pleasures we held dear
We painted each others portraits over and over
fell in love with what we painted but not with who was drawn there

I remember well that night I was trying to dry off
in my parents bed of white I was a smear
and when you can't have what you want in ideal harmony
necessity smudges the line between love and fear

so we'll burn each others notes faster than we can sing them
and we'll hate how we make what we love but at least the music is still there


It's an acoustic song hopefully I'll post the music soon

sorry about the vagueness but there is a reason for it. The original title was untitled 03 and it's like a little series of stuff. Hopefull the little corrections I made help.

also another new title.
Smile alot today... okay?
Last edited by Sumthing Catchy at Nov 17, 2007,
#3
I first should say that I'm not really a fan of songs about music, or musical aspects being related to everyday events... but we'll see how this goes.

Music is color on a silent canvas
and you had all my notes and chords framed
could I paint myself out and leave our memories hanging
just fake our signatures and leave without a face

I like the first two lines, and I sorta like the third... but the fourth seems out of place and doesn't really make much sense to me.

Silence is golden but you sang the whole spectrum
and without you everything is too clear
bone white skin, black night, red lips, blew kisses
we'll just sing till we've heard it all and the longing disappears

This is awesome. Third line especially - but the 'blew kisses' part. Is it saying that the red lips blew kisses? if so, take out the comma, cause it confuses me. and if not, then it doesn't make sense then.

I remember well that night I was trying to dry off
in my parents bed of white I was a smear
and when you can't have what you want in ideal harmony
necessity smudges the line between love and fear

Pretty awesome that you rhymed this and the last stanza. I don't really get this verse though, probably just me...

so we'll burn each others notes faster than we can sing them
and we'll hate how we make what we love but at least the music is still there

First line is good, but I think the idea is muddled a bit in the second - if you could just clean it up a bit and make it hit a bit harder then it'd be a great ending.


I bet this sounds awesome with music too. Good job. Crit mine? Last link in sig - Loose-tongued pages... yadayada. cheers.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#4
I can definitely hear this being a delicate but intricate acoustic (as you said) piece, personally. As far as the music goes, I might suggest something fingerpicked and a bit slower so that the lyrics can have enough time to be sung to their fullest.

In terms of the lyrics, I would have to agree that I like the lyrical hooks with the vivid imagery. Personally, though this may just be a matter of personal taste, but I felt like there was a story there that wasn't quite told, almost unfinished.
Last edited by Delanoir at Nov 17, 2007,
#5
Quote by Sumthing Catchy
Crit for crit as always

Music is color on a silent canvas
and you had all my notes and chords framed
could I paint myself out and leave our memories hanging
just fake our signatures and leave without a face
Stunning images as conception of ideas, but I dont think the last line flowed too well. Perhaps since there was no rhyme structure as there is in the second stanza, or because it just feels too long and clumsy amongst the rest. I think you need to rhyme it with "framed".

Silence is golden but you sang the whole spectrum
and without you everything is too clear
bone white skin, black night, red lips, blew kisses
we'll just sing till we've heard it all and the longing dissapears
I didnt like the second line, it seemed negative as opposed to the posetive tone you are generating with the rest. Plus, i'm getting lost in your imagery, but it seems random and unstructured, you need a narrative to make this work. Your third line, though, was marvelous, keep writing stuff like that

I remember well that night I was trying to dry off
in my parents bed of white I was a smear
and when you can't have what you want in ideal harmony
necessity smudges the line between love and fear
Now I'm getting the beginings of a story, but it is snuffed out before it has a chance to begin. The first line was a little clumsy, but the strory gets told well in the first two, and you need to continue it, not leave us with another seemingly meaningless image.

so we'll burn each others notes faster than we can sing them
and we'll hate how we make what we love but at least the music is still there
Fantastic first line, ambiguous and beautiful. I liked this ending, but I still dont get what its about. You have a wonderful way with imagery, and if you would only give us a story on which to impose it then this would be almost perfect.


Peace
Dave
#6
all I can really say is ...wow(as to just about everything you do). I mean, "Music is color on a silent canvas"...the way it's starting already! I love your choice of words and most of it fits together perfectly... even though i must admit I don't really get the whole story (those lines with the bed?)... but I'm afraid that's cos my english is not all that good; anyway, I like the way it sounds and I think you really have a feeling for the right words...

Schmonk, that guy's a year younger than me!!

c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=712208 thx
#7
Crit for crit as always

Music is color on a silent canvas
and you had all my notes and chords framed
could I paint myself out and leave our memories hanging
just leave no signature who needs recognition? When we're all to blame

Vague imagery, rather nice. Focus on grammar. Add a question mark at the end of the third line. And fourth line should be 'just leave no signature, who needs recognition?' The excess doesn't make sense. If it does to you, it doesn't matter. Cut it out or replace it. Chances are, most people won't get it. It's too early to throw in assumptions when you haven't established a proper setting.

Silence is golden but you sang the whole spectrum
and without you everything is too clear
bone white skin, black night, red lips blew kisses
we'll just sing till we've heard it all and the longing disappears

First line didn't come across. Second line doesn't connect. I suggest editing the first line. Nice imagery in third line. Mildly interesting. But 'black night' is rather cliched.

The fire crackled, cracked jokes while I was burning
How we were sketchy about the pleasures we held dear
We painted each others portraits over and over
fell in love with what we painted but not with who was drawn there

[B[Finally a strong verse...but doesn't connect too much to the previous stanzas. Your biggest task will be to make sure the first few verses actually provide a proper setting and background.

I remember well that night I was trying to dry off
in my parents bed of white I was a smear
and when you can't have what you want in ideal harmony
necessity smudges the line between love and fear

Okay, I don't like this. Don't ask why, I just don't. It falls so much shorter than your previous verse.

so we'll burn each others notes faster than we can sing them
and we'll hate how we make what we love but at least the music is still there

Very fast jump. Explain why this comes about, explain how. Even subtle details help, but I didn't sense any. It might be me, but most probably you have to work on refining it.


It's an acoustic song hopefully I'll post the music soon

sorry about the vagueness but there is a reason for it. The original title was untitled 03 and it's like a little series of stuff. Hopefull the little corrections I made help.

also another new title.

My two cents.