#1
i posted this couple days ago, and it got closed and i was told to read the rules and repost it correctly. i read em and couldnt find what i did wrong so please if you close this one too tell me what i'm doing wrong, please?


okay well the chorus here has (somewhat) the tune of It's hard to say i do when i don't

k so here it is:


Broken down to the floor, left in pieces,
The distances between me, it seethes
And I’ve known that bridges can be burned
But from it what will you ever learn?


(Chorus)
Seconds to disaster, see your face before my eyes,
Minutes into hours, if it was you I would not mind
So try and break down again, and see just how it goes,
No one else believes you now,
crossed yourself, “shoulders, chest, and nose.”
(/Chorus)

Every lie has a true believer,
Someone’s secret, “so what I couldn’t keep it?”
Your life is hypocrisy in waiting….
Our dissolving images are quite degrading

(Chorus)
Seconds to disaster, see your face before my eyes,
minutes into hours, if it was you I would not mind
So try and break down again, and see just how it goes,
No one else believes you now,
crossed yourself, “shoulders, chest, and nose.”
(/Chorus)

(Chorus)
Seconds to disaster, see your face before my eyes,
minutes into hours, if it was you I would not mind
So try and break down again, and see just how it goes,
No one else believes you now,
crossed yourself, “shoulders, chest, and nose.”
(/Chorus)
"my pen is the barrel of the gun, remind me whose side you should be on...." -Fall Out Boy
My Songs:
1)You vs. Me (Can't Compare to Me vs. You)
2) Twelve Miles Of Coastline
(if i could figure out the links then i would )
Last edited by fenwayfaithful at Nov 16, 2007,
#2
Quote by fenwayfaithful
i posted this couple days ago, and it got closed and i was told to read the rules and repost it correctly. i read em and couldnt find what i did wrong so please if you close this one too tell me what i'm doing wrong, please?
Hi fenwayfaithful,

Welcome to S&L.

You need to go back and read the rules, again.


This one is fine, it won't get closed. But there was an obvious problem with the title on the previous submission. If you didn't get that from your read of the rules, there's no telling what mistakes you'll make unnecessarily in the future. Why put yourself in that position?

The S+L Forum - Rules! (Read before you post)

A quick scan of the song itself tells me the title on this one really doesn't match the piece. Untitled would have been a better choice. But the title is within the rules this time, so fair enough, eh?

The work itself is worth a crit. Unfortunately I have neither the time, nor am in the right frame of mind to do so properly. I'll come back to this later if I remember.

So far all of your posts in S&L have been confined to your own threads.

This is not just about you. Be sure to read this:

How to critique! A step-by-step guide.

Then start offering constructive criticism and comments on others' works. And for God's sake don't rate them with a number or anything as vulgar as that. Just point out what you liked and what you didn't about them.

Eventually you'll gain a better understanding of how this all works. I'm sure you'll fit right in.

Good luck,
SYK
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
This is an excellent piece, very well written and very well put out

"Every lie has a true believer,
Someone’s secret, “so what I couldn’t keep it?”
Your life is hypocrisy in waiting….
Our dissolving images are quite degrading"

My favourite part, keep up the great work


any crit on mine would be great, if you can spare the time, the links in the sig, cheers
#4
okay thanks i'll read em again till there memorized

and thanks Zephyr!
"my pen is the barrel of the gun, remind me whose side you should be on...." -Fall Out Boy
My Songs:
1)You vs. Me (Can't Compare to Me vs. You)
2) Twelve Miles Of Coastline
(if i could figure out the links then i would )