#1
Oh, and for the record.

My last post. I appologize. x9990913. Bad way of dealing with heartbreak I guess. **** happens. I'm not really sexist in the slightest, and that, as some as you may know, is nothing close to the quality of my regular work.

A head plus a mirror is the same thing as two heads and a wall. (and how proud confucious would be)

Is it 7 years badluck
Or has it changed for an advertantly
Overdramatic, oh so poetic
but not so happy ending?

Well I seem to find
That lately I can't look into my own eyes
Liar liar, serenade me sweetheart,
Before I opt for a curse of luck,
And hell if I don't love it
when you pull out all the stops.

So sing a song so I can bleed,
Focusing on one pain takes away from another
And I'd rather my ears suffer
Frankly your voice isn't all that sweet.
Liar liar, serenade me darling,
Don't you realize that this is a dance?
And I'll be waiting with my lungs In a paper-bag
Tied around my neck by my vocal chords

I'll tell you this, I'd rather have 7 years cursed
Then spend 7 days wondering what you wanted to say.
Last edited by Thomasoman at Nov 17, 2007,
#2
Really good, my favourite part was

"So sing a song so I can bleed,
Focusing on one pain takes away from another
And I'd rather my ears suffer
Frankly your voice isn't all that sweet."

Didn't really have any problems with any of the other parts, that one just stood out to me. What kind of song would it be? Here's a link to one of mine you can crit
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=714619
#3
I liked it..
Not the best thing I've ever read, but it was good.
Really really good, and I can't tell you anything you should change to make it better, so I suppose it is kinder perfect..
I especially liked the title.. Just great :-)
#4
"Is it 10 years badluck
Or has it changed for an advertantly
Overdramatic, oh so poetic
but not so happy ending?"

that's my favourate verse i've read in a fair while, good job.
#5
Nice, I really like the title too, minus the brackets which I think is overkill.

It's up there with your other work, even if not in quality. Emotionally charged pieces add another dimension to the lyrics. Some words or phrases scream feeling, and you've used a lot of them there!
#6
Thank you for all the wonderful words =]

And I actually totally agree with the one who said that the brackets were overkill, I almost didn't include them for that reason.

I actually planned to put this to post-hardcore with my band. Melodic during the verses, and then just brutal and screamed during the 'chorus'.
#7
Quote by Thomasoman


Is it 10 years badluck <--Bad Luck is two words
Or has it changed for an advertantly
Overdramatic, oh so poetic
but not so happy ending?
Unless there is some significance to 10 years, I would change it to seven, as it is the number typically assosiated with breaking a mirror. I'm not sure what you mean by "advertantly", which isnt a word. Did you mean "advertently", because that means attentive or heedful, and doesnt really fit here.

Well I seem to find
That lately I can't look into my own eyes
Liar liar, serenade me sweetheart,
Before I opt for a curse of luck,
And hell if I don't love it
when you pull out all the stops.
Love this stanza. The second line, though, does feel a little jaunted. I would perhaps shorten it a little as it interrupts the flow.

So sing a song so I can bleed,
Focusing on one pain takes away from another
And I'd rather my ears suffer
Frankly your voice isn't all that sweet.
Liar liar, serenade me darling,
Don't you realize that this is a dance?
And I'll be waiting with my lungs In a paper-bag
Tied around my neck by my vocal chords
Again your second line feels overlong, a little forced. I would also remove the "So" at the beginning, as it doesnt add much is overly alliterative with "sing a song so I can bleed", four alliterations in one line is way too much. I love the last two lines, fantastic imagery.

I'll tell you this, I'd rather have 10 years cursed
Then spend 10 days wondering what you wanted to say.
Nice ending, aphoristic, conclusive. If I have a qualm it is that it didnt flow too well, there didnt seem to be any metre or structure to each line, so I'd work on that, and also that it would be nice to end on a couplet. The mimicry of a sonnet would add special cynical value in my opinion, and couplets always give a very conclusive air.

Anyway, really liked this, keep posting, man.



Peace
Dave
#8
I meant advertently as in 'in a deliberate manner.'

For some reason I thought it was 10 years. My mistake. I'll change that right now, aaand the ending too, since those two tie in with eachother.
#9
Quote by Thomasoman
I meant advertently as in 'in a deliberate manner.'

For some reason I thought it was 10 years. My mistake. I'll change that right now, aaand the ending too, since those two tie in with eachother.

Ace, that reads a lot better now. Was wondering whether 10 years had some importance to you :P


My most recent attempt at writing decent lyrics - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=714772