#1
Alright everyone, this is my first shot after a very long bout of writer's block, so please don't kill me . It's still incomplete. First Shot is the working title.

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We are satirical love songs
Made of melancholy pop tunes
And savage would-be greatness
How did we get to this?
Using metaphors as easy ways to say we're sorry
Please explain this story
All over again

Whoa-oh, whoa-oh
We are turbulence
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh
We are...

Captured moments in wooden frames
Portraits of contrasts
And flat notes in a chorus
This is the ultimatum for us:
Live and let die
Forgive and forget
Or better yet: reiterate?
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
Last edited by hideaway at Nov 18, 2007,
#2
Quote by hideaway


We are satirical love songs
Made of melancholy pop tunes
And savage would-be greatness
How did we get to this?
Using metaphors as easy ways to say we're sorry
Explain this story all over again
Excellent opening, really few complaints here. I will say that I'm not sure I like the last line, its doenst seem to ft. Otherwise brilliant. I cant beleive this has been ignored.

Whoa-oh, whoa-oh
We are turbulence
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh
We are...
Likin this chorus-ish bit, "Turbulence" could be a title, maybe?

Captured moments in wooden frames
Portraits of contrasts
And flat notes in a chorus
This is the ultimatum for us:
Live and let die
Forgive and forget
Or better yet: reiterate?
I really cant say much bad about this. This is a really crappy crit, but I have very few problems with what I think is an excellent peice. I dont, however, like "live and let die", because its not a popular saying like "forgive and forget", its a manipulation of a popular saying by Paul McCartney for james bond film. Otherwise I love this.


Peace
dave
#3
"Explain this story all over again"

I think something like, please explain this story. would be better.

Other then that, i love it.
#4
Thanks guys. I forgot to mention it earlier, but I'll return crits if you leave me a link. Turbulence seems like a good idea for a title, I'll think it over.

That explain this story part was supposed to go like this:

"Explain this story
All over again"

The live and let die part was a filler :P. I couldn't think of anything else cause I wrote the last two lines before the rest. I'm open to suggestions.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#5
Quote by hideaway

We are satirical love songs
Made of melancholy pop tunes
And savage would-be greatness
How did we get to this?
Using metaphors as easy ways to say we're sorry
Please explain this story
All over again

Very good. I love your opening lines... those two really set the tone for the piece (plus, as soon as I read those I knew I was dealing with someone with considerable skill. ) Even after the line break, I really feel like your last two lines pull this down. Everything else has been witty as hell up to this point, save for the rhetorical question, which in its own right is a witty addition to the piece. And then the last two lines just aren't... and they don't really say that much either, because the reader so far doesn't really know what story you are talking about, I just don't think there was enough content before those lines to expect the reader to feel satisfied with someone explaining 'THIS story' again.


Whoa-oh, whoa-oh
We are turbulence
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh
We are...

Not bad. Obviously doesn't say a lot... but could be catchy.

Captured moments in wooden frames
Portraits of contrasts
And flat notes in a chorus
This is the ultimatum for us:
Live and let die
Forgive and forget
Or better yet: reiterate?

First three lines are good... going back to witty oxymorons and other opposites. However, then switch over to trying to make a point, like I felt the serious voice come in in the ultimatum line. Live and let die, while it makes sense in its own right and with the piece, doesn't really make sense with the next line. I can see 'blah AND blah' connection between this line and the next, however I think the live and let die takes away from the power of the lines after it, which is what you said was the original point of writing this. Not saying the live and let die is bad... honestly if I didn't know the forgive and forget/reiterate lines were supposed to be the focus and punch line of this poem, I wouldn't have even noted this.



Very good work, I enjoyed reading it. I don't think I took too much meaning out of it though. Seemed like a bunch of witty statements all thrown together, and then you tried to tie it together. It was good, and you came close, but I think you can do better in the meaning department. However, the writing, flow, and structure were all superb.

C4C Two shovelfuls... in my sig.

peace and coconuts,

-zC