#1
Poem. I'll most likely end up doing mass amounts of revising to this... so help me out.


"Sit up
and shut up
and shut down."
Her killer's cashing in
another cheshire frown.
Her goldey golden locks
and her sesame stitches
left her face first in the ditch.
She's never given such
an envious kiss.

Bald, open, and bleeding,
she's curling up for safe keeping.
Blending in with standard
precision, and standing out
like the heatwave of the 60's.
She's the fraction of a thought,
my little bete noire. She's
painting portraits of herself
with crosshairs over open palms.

Left with such a fickle fame,
they'll all shudder at her name
saying, "Yeah, I remember her,
but I could forget her just the same."
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Nov 20, 2007,
#2
Quote by bassbeat77

"Sit up
and shut up
and shut down."
Her killer's cashing in
another cheshire frown.
I like the intro, it has nice imagery and flow, sets the theme well.
Her goldey golden locks
and her sesame stitches
left her face first in the ditch.
She's never given such
an envious kiss.
I want to say this about the girl being cheated on, and hurt pretty bad. I don't quite understand the sesame stitches. So even though I'm left short of a clear meaning, I like it...sounds nice.

Bald, open, and bleeding,
she's curling up for safe keeping.
I like here the flow, and how the words you use from bleeding to safe keeping have such different connotations, works real well.
Blending in with standard
precision, and standing out
like the heatwave of the 60's.
She's the fraction of a thought,
my little bete noire. She's
painting portraits of herself
with crosshairs over open palms.
Giving the benefit to every doubt,
her pocket-book priorities just
aren't holding out.
The whole rest of the stanza I like a lot, except the "heatwave of the 60's" kind of sticks out. But then again, she stood out like the heatwave so I guess it works as a little niche there, hmmm.

Left with such a fickle fame,
they'll all shudder at her name
saying, "Yeah, I remember her,
but I could forget her just the same."
Sums it up, really well.


I wish I could have done more for you, but the piece was really good. The imagery painted a real vivid picture entailing what was going on in my mind, while the flow never was really sacrificed. I checked out your piece because I've come to admire you through your writings I've seen, and you haven't let me down this time. Bravo. If you could critique my piece, Dropped Call, that would be great. It could use some help from a writer of your capabilities.
#3
I liked this over all, especially many little rhymes you added in through out the piece. I thought some sections were uncomfortable line-break wise.


Thanks for your comment on mine, Steve^2...