#1
Screw your daily moan about the boring nine till five
Everyone here knows that six is the newest deal
We came down to relive our dreams of the antique disco
But what the hell's a few days when you own the world?

They say that it's not over till it's over
Though I assure you that the whistle's long since blown
When too many people seek forgiveness
One or two are gonna get the busy tone

Girls that try and win your heart with lies
And others that know they don't even have to bother
Boys in scarves and converse hurl the dice
Now who the **** spilled my pint... alright?

They say that it's not over till it's over
Though I'm pretty sure the towel's already been thrown
When too many people ask forgiveness
You'll have nowhere left safe to roam

Pass us the cider, I'll tell you that I love ya
Drink away our sickness of the mundane
When too many people shun forgiveness
They may find themselves to be all alone


Criticism and title suggestions welcome, will return

edited for fun. There were a lot of ideas jumbling about in there so I kinda refined it to one so it would make sense. Thanks for the help so far
Last edited by Potski at Nov 18, 2007,
#3
<verse>
Screw your daily run of nine till five
Everyone knows that six is the newest deal
Sometimes you wonder why you even try
But what's a few days when you own the world?
Excellent start. The flow is marvelous, and you end it perfectly. Nothing I would change here.

<chorus>
They say it's not over till it's over
Though I assure you that the whistle's long been blown.
When too many people seek forgiveness
One or two are bound to get the busy tone
Not sure about the chorus. Generally, the chorus is the catchy hook of the song, memorable. I think the last line ruins the flow a bit. I do like the concept, but 'the whistle's long been blown' seems a bit....I dunno, generic. A little work, and this would be perfect.

<verse>
Girls that try and win your heart with lies
And others that know they don't even have to bother
Boys in scarves and converse roll the dice
Now who the **** spilled my pint... alright?
I'm not sure what relevance the last line has, it seems you were making a stab at emo kids, then had trouble with a rhyme and just threw that in. Otherwise, good. Not as well done as the first verse, but it does the job.

<chorus>
They say it's not over till it's over
Though I assure you that the whistle's long been blown.
When too many people seek forgiveness
One or two are bound to get the busy tone
This is strictly a matter of opinion, but some sort of variation might be nice here. Otherwise, read above.

<instrumental bridge>

<chorus>
They say it's not over till it's over
Though I assure you that the whistle's long been blown.
When too many people seek forgiveness
One or two are bound to get the busy tone

<outro>
Pass us the cider, I'll tell you that I love ya
Drink away our sickness of the mundane.
When too many people shun forgiveness
They may find themselves in a place far from home
Alright, Pass us the cider...I like it. Its interesting. You followed it well, and this is a nice way to end a solid piece. I think it needs a bit of work as a whole, but, nothing really bad to say. Good job.


Keep it up, don't toss it aside or anything XD Definatly good.
#4
Quote by Potski
<verse>
Screw your daily run of nine till five
Everyone knows that six is the newest deal
Sometimes you wonder why you even try
But what's a few days when you own the world?
Okay, I didnt like the first line, simply because it is THE biggest indie cliche. Every gritty indie band in the whole world has written a song about 9-5, so I really would change it. However, you begin to revise your cliche nicely rather than going on about it, and your second line was interesting. The third line is a bit clumsy and overused, but the last line was okay.

<chorus>
They say it's not over till it's over
Though I assure you that the whistle's long been blown.
When too many people seek forgiveness
One or two are bound to get the busy tone
Good stanza, no complants here other than Im not sure what this is actually about.

<verse>
Girls that try and win your heart with lies
And others that know they don't even have to bother
Boys in scarves and converse roll the dice
Now who the **** spilled my pint... alright?
Okay, a chage of tact, which I found confusing. First you are apprently talking about nine to five and now your talking about girls...I'm just not sure where youre going with it. I didnt like the third line, whether it was a jab at these people, or a hit-up, i cant tell, but Ive never been fond of such pop-culture references. Your last line, though, was fantastic. Colloquial and brilliant, very Alex Turner.

<chorus>
They say it's not over till it's over
Though I assure you that the whistle's long been blown.
When too many people seek forgiveness
One or two are bound to get the busy tone

<instrumental bridge>
I think melody indicator lines like this are unnescesary, It's not important, but you dont really need ilnes like these in a lyrics forum. Annnyway.

<chorus>
They say it's not over till it's over
Though I assure you that the whistle's long been blown.
When too many people seek forgiveness
One or two are bound to get the busy tone
I dont know about repeating the chorus this many times without a verse inbetween. It makes it seem like you have few ideas. Perhaps if you changed a few of the lines in the chorus?

<outro>
Pass us the cider, I'll tell you that I love ya
Drink away our sickness of the mundane.
When too many people shun forgiveness
They may find themselves in a place far from home
I liked this a lot...up untill the last line, which felt too heavy and awkward. I like the colloquial style, and the second line was a nice image. Just revise the metre of your closer, because it feels like a weak ending to an otherwise pretty good peice.


Not bad, man. I will say that you should try not to sound too generic, like I said, the "I hate the daily grind" is a route that's been travelled by bands since the Jam, so perhaps find some more personal subject to write about, something specific to you. Otherwise a pretty solid peice.

Peace
Dave.
#5
Quote by Cacophonaut
Not bad, man. I will say that you should try not to sound too generic, like I said, the "I hate the daily grind" is a route that's been travelled by bands since the Jam, so perhaps find some more personal subject to write about, something specific to you. Otherwise a pretty solid peice.

Peace
Dave.

Thanks! I tried to change the opening bit to more of a specific theme. I guess that's what I was going for in the first place, but left it way too general

Big overhaul, hope you folks like it. More crits please!