#1
Okay, this one is personal and I'm not going to explain it, so no narrative critiscism please. Crit for crit, naturally.

Theres a stranger standing over my bed
And his face is the mirror of my own
He is reaching for the candle above my head
To snuff out the flame before its allowed to grow
And I am a stone, I am a stone
Thrown correctly I make it back home
Or else sink to the bottom
And lie there alone
I dont know

And my movements are forced out of motion
Like a lifetimes worth of growth
As the trees in the autumn look like scorched lungs
I am smothered by a design of my own
And I am a stone, I am a stone
Whose weight wont allow or condone
Such a flight which
Its heart is so prone
Falling slow

I burn something, anything for that power
Watch the tendrils of smoke float up like angels wings
And I'll sit in that solace like a coward
And think of betrayal and other things
I am the moss you cast of as you roll
With the prospect of sharing your throne
And the spark was eventually lost and outgrown
Or alone, blameless and unknown
To blame all but a cause of my own
In the wake of my passage
No ripples are grown
I am a stone
#2
Quote by Cacophonaut


Theres a stranger standing over my bed
I thought this wasn't the best opening line ever. It's not inviting me to read on.
And his face is the mirror of my own
He is reaching for the candle above my head
To snuff out the flame before its allowed to grow
'snuff'. did not like that. second part of the line was better
And I am a stone, I am a stone
i thought the repetition wasn't really necessary. it works fine when you say it once IMO
Thrown correctly I make it back home
nice rhyme, nice flow, perfect line
Or else sink to the bottom
And lie there alone
I dont know
didn't like the last line, it wasn't on the same level as the other lines in the stanza, and i think it wasn't a good line to end the stanza on. also, 'lie there alone' is a tad cliché. maybe try to find another way to say that

And my movements are forced out of motion
Like a lifetimes worth of growth
As the trees in the autumn look like scorched lungs
nice simile, i liked this
I am smothered by a design of my own
And I am a stone, I am a stone
Whose weight wont allow or condone
Such a flight which
Its heart is so prone
Falling slow
just going to crit this as a whole. i thought the design line was pretty clever. the repetition works fine here, much better than the previous stanza. also, the subtle rhyming was great. great stanza

I burn something, anything for that power
Watch the tendrils of smoke float up like angels wings
the second part of the first line was poorly worded IMO. second line was pretty good, especially the 'tendrils of smoke' thing
And I'll sit in that solace like a coward
And think of betrayal and other things
'and other things' ruined this for me. you might want to find another word for that
I am the moss you cast of as you roll
With the prospect of sharing your throne
And the spark was eventually lost and outgrown
so cliché
Or alone, blameless and unknown
To blame all but a cause of my own
In the wake of my passage
No ripples are grown
I am a stone
Nice ending. I'd still take out the repetition in the first stanza, so you have a bit of a build-up in the second stanza, and then wrap it up nicely here. i liked this, i thought your second stanza was so amazing, seriously.


i realise i got lazy with critting towards the end, but i'm so tired

can you do mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=713749
#3
hey dave, thanx for ur crit, i return the favour
first time i was reading your piece, i had a problem in finding the right flow or rhythm to be honest. also, some of your rhyming sounds to forced or too childish to me, like: 'bed-head; stone-condone-prone, etc'. maybe its just the rhyming pattern that i dont like. I also dont find 'I dont know' very effective in the end of the first stanza, you can find something more suitable instead. Additionally, i suggest you break up your stanzas a little, make the rhyming not so intense, especially in the last one.
Despite all that, good job, nice imagery you've got as well: " Watch the tendrils of smoke float up like angels wings" and some others too. "I am a stone" is really effective with those repetitions and in the ending, well done.
PS: it must be a song rather than a poem, it would go better with music.
#4
It is a song. The melody is quite fast and unrelenting, but its acoustic so its also quite soft.
I think youre all right about the rhymes and cliches. The rhymes were especially hard, because the reoccuring rhyme was "stone", and there arent many words to rhyme with that. Some of the lines that you thought were cliche, like "and the spark was eventually lost and outgrown", have a strong meaning to me. There is really no other way I could put them. Thanks anyway...Wow phantom, yours is MEGA confusing to read. The font is too small for my crappy eyesight.

Laters people.
#5
Quote by Cacophonaut


Theres a stranger standing over my bed
When I crit a piece I read it once over, then slowly read each line again. This first line really doesn't do the rest of the piece justice.
And his face is the mirror of my own
He is reaching for the candle above my head
To snuff out the flame before its allowed to grow
This line throws the piece off a little bit. The words "snuff" and "grow" just don't sound right.
And I am a stone, I am a stone
Thrown correctly I make it back home
Or else sink to the bottom
And lie there alone
I don't know
This part I really loved, I think it's perfect. I love the rhyme and the way you've phrased it.

And my movements are forced out of motion
Like a lifetimes worth of growth
As the trees in the autumn look like scorched lungs
I am smothered by a design of my own
And I am a stone, I am a stone
Whose weight wont allow or condone
The only problem I have with this verse is here. The earlier verse had a really good set rhyme to it and here the rhythm just gets thrown off a bit with this line.
Such a flight which
Its heart is so prone
Falling slow
This is my favourite verse. Just that I think the third-last line should be "Such a flight TO which".

I burn something, anything for that power
Watch the tendrils of smoke float up like angels wings
And I'll sit in that solace like a coward
And think of betrayal and other things
This line is a little weak, I was expecting a little more than "other things" :P.
I am the moss you cast of as you roll
With the prospect of sharing your throne
And the spark was eventually lost and outgrown
Or alone, blameless and unknown
To blame all but a cause of my own
In the wake of my passage
No ripples are grown
This ws a pretty good verse too, but I prefer the second one. The rhyming in the last part is absolute genius except for the "passage" line because you have "throne/unknown" then "outgrown/own" then the last line is "grown" again but the passage part in the middle just kind of threw it off.


I am a stone


Great ending. Overall, it was a pretty good piece except for a few lines here and there that I think could be phrased better without changing the meaning. I'd love to hear the song, if you've recorded it. Brilliant effort, and thanks for critting mine.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#6
I do enjoy reading other people's work, and I agree with what some of the others say about yours...however, I also agree when they say it's pretty damn good, and I'd love to hear you play music to it and SING it...mmmmm....could you glance at mine? if you don't mind of course...it's called Brooding
#7
Theres a stranger standing over my bed
And his face is the mirror of my own
He is reaching for the candle above my head
To snuff out the flame before its allowed to grow=i like the false rhyme here own-grow.
And I am a stone, I am a stone
Thrown correctly I make it back home
Or else sink to the bottom
And lie there alone=i also like the lines here and i guess the meesage you R sayin
I dont know=and you also have a nice flow so far things dont feel too forced!!

And my movements are forced out of motion
Like a lifetimes worth of growth=i dunno about this one right here it a little iffy
As the trees in the autumn look like scorched lungs
I am smothered by a design of my own
And I am a stone, I am a stone
Whose weight wont allow or condone=im not sure what your tryin to say here?
Such a flight which
Its heart is so prone
Falling slow=okay makes a little more sense now that i finish reading it duh!(on me)

I burn something, anything for that power
Watch the tendrils of smoke float up like angels wings
And I'll sit in that solace like a coward
And think of betrayal and other things
I am the moss you cast of as you roll=is it suppsoed to be like this or is this an error????
With the prospect of sharing your throne
And the spark was eventually lost and outgrown=feels like this was forced.
Or alone, blameless and unknown
To blame all but a cause of my own=i think you should use another word other than blame.
In the wake of my passage
No ripples are grown
I am a stone= now very nice ending it leaves me askin for more
now as a song i dunno that would probably be difficult to accomplish but so was goin to the moon so it can probably be done it will just take time and skill and judgeing by the writing i just finished reading i would say you have the skill anyways i liked it there were a few places i would change a few things around or change a word or somthing but nothing major enough that you should even think about re-writing the piece or anything like that over-all i liked it when your ready for me to crit somthing else just send me a link and i will
pardon me... do you have any grey poupon?
#8
Theres a stranger standing over my bed
And his face is the mirror of my own
He is reaching for the candle above my head
To snuff out the flame before its allowed to grow
And I am a stone, I am a stone
Thrown correctly I make it back home
Or else sink to the bottom
And lie there alone
I dont know

(great opening stanza!!! really grabbed my attention,i really liked all of this except for the cliche rhyme of "home" and "alone" and i dont like the ending of "i dont know" it just doesnt seem to flow with the rest of the piece but that is just my opinion on that because i know you were going for some sort of effect with it i just dont quite understand what it was)

And my movements are forced out of motion
Like a lifetimes worth of growth
As the trees in the autumn look like scorched lungs
I am smothered by a design of my own
And I am a stone, I am a stone
Whose weight wont allow or condone
Such a flight which
Its heart is so prone
Falling slow

(i really like this except for the "as the trees in autumn look like scorched lungs" which seems to trip over its wordiness, even though i know once again that it is needed for the rest of the stanza i like what youre trying to say, just not how you said it, other than that beautiful stanza!!!)

I burn something, anything for that power
Watch the tendrils of smoke float up like angels wings
And I'll sit in that solace like a coward
And think of betrayal and other things
I am the moss you cast of as you roll
With the prospect of sharing your throne
And the spark was eventually lost and outgrown
Or alone, blameless and unknown
To blame all but a cause of my own
In the wake of my passage
No ripples are grown
I am a stone

(cant really find anything wrong with this ending...perfection!!!)
#9
I didn't find this one as appealing as your other ones. As for the rhyme scheme I think i'd need to hear the song to be able to crit on that. It's a pretty interesting idea and would be nice to see it expanded farther with less limits on the rhyming.

Probaly crit more later it's late and i'm stuffed on turkey.

I did a song for one of my poems by the way show it to you later
Smile alot today... okay?