#1
Hey guys this is my first song and im pretty sure this has turned out the way i wanted it to, i have a rhythm (slow, low, and mellow basically) and a solo in mind and all i need now is some CC
Crit for Crit?

also the title, im not so sure about any better suggestions?

---

The Path

Someday, you’ll follow me, along the fixed trail
And I know for sure, you’ll be there right on my tail
Ill try to surprise you; with short, sharp turns
And I know that you’ll get over, all of the burns
To be with the man, you once loved and admired
Those feelings you had will now be transpired

I tried to show you the path that I wanted
It was all of my mistakes that left me affronted
And through all my hurts and let-me-downs
To this day, you still lay
With me, on that cold, hard ground

You’ll know the right way
(Know the right way)
And what you’ll need to say
(Need to say)
You won’t make my mistakes
(Don’t make my mistakes)
You’ll just know what to do
(Just know what to do)
When the past is behind
(The past is behind)
Without a hint or a clue
a hint or a clue)


SOLO (sad at first using the g string mostly, then hype it up.)
)

And through all my hurts and let-me-downs
To this day, you still lay
With me, on that cold, hard ground
To be with the man, you once loved and admired
Those feelings you had will now be transpired

Please, just know the right way
Please, just know what to do
Please, just know what to say
Please, don’t keep me from you
Last edited by JohnnyStran at Nov 17, 2007,
#2
Quote by JohnnyStran
Hey guys this is my first song and im pretty sure this has turned out the way i wanted it to, i have a rhythm (slow, low, and mellow basically) and a solo in mind and all i need now is some CC
Crit for Crit?

also the title, im not so sure about any better suggestions?I'd suggest using something about the "you" person.

---

The Path

Someday, you’ll follow me, along the fixed trail
first line doesn't grab my attention really, since I've read a lot of text about people following a trail... but I guess that if you change the title, it would be just fine
And I know for sure, you’ll be there right on my tail
it's getting a bit better here already...
Ill try to surprise you; with short, sharp turns
And I know that you’ll get over, all of the burns
To be with the man, you once loved and admired
here it's turned into something I haven't read before. Nice swing to it. The first two lines flow really well, the thirth one got me confused, but maybe I just didn't figure out how you wanted to make that sound.

Those feelings you had will now be transpired
nothing to add here, fits fine.

I tried to show you the path that I wanted
It was all of my mistakes that left me affronted
And through all my hurts and let-me-downs
To this day, you still lay
With me, on that cold, hard ground
Like the very first line, the first line here doesn't really add something for me, maybe another metaphor would work better, maybe water themed instead of a path? I don't know...
I like the fact that you wrote let-me-downs... instead of just letdowns. Just keeps the attention there, and sounds fine.


You’ll know the right way
(Know the right way)
And what you’ll need to say
(Need to say)
You won’t make my mistakes
(Don’t make my mistakes)
You’ll just know what to do
(Just know what to do)
When the past is behind
(The past is behind)
Without a hint or a clue
a hint or a clue)
A bit too many short lines here for me. I think you could describe what you want to say in at least on less line, that would keep me from getting bored in this part. Especially if it's gonna be a bit slow like you said. I don't have any problems with the text, it could just be said in fewer words and lines.


SOLO (sad at first using the g string mostly, then hype it up.)that sounds like it would fit in well


And through all my hurts and let-me-downs
To this day, you still lay
With me, on that cold, hard ground
To be with the man, you once loved and admired
Those feelings you had will now be transpired
This has all been said before, it's fine, but maybe you could put one new thing in there... like something we didn't know yet about that other person. If the music gets a bit hyped up, it would be a letdown for me just to hear the same thing again, and nothing new added.

Please, just know the right way
Please, just know what to do
Please, just know what to say
Please, don’t keep me from you


All in all I quite enjoyed reading this. Even though there is some things I would consider changing, it has potential for an nice enjoyable song I hope any of the points I tried to make were helpfull.

If you feel like it, have a look at Society of scum , if you don't...no worries
#3
i have to say its quite good as for a first song!
At the beginning when i read first two lines i though it would be some cliche and very annoying AABB rhyming song, but as i read further, it really improved. However i find the rhyming scheme not very interesting or comlicated, the chorus differs and i find it really fitting. I loved the "let-me-downs" thing, adds some rythm but sounds natural. Only what i suggest is adding more text, as i didnt find the ending effective, especially that i didnt like the very last stanza, imo it spoils everything a lil, sounds forced and very unproffesional.
Anyways, good job over all, there is still some room for improvement though.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=714816
#4
Thanks for the feedback so far guys ill cirt them asap, alot of work and no time to do it u have my word