#1
Edited version
This is my first post for a poem in these forums, so be gentle.
It may not make sense to you, but it means a lot to me, it's deep..


Awash with limitless loathing
Myself. One mirror into absurdity, unreason.
Thundering from the new world, the foreshadowing of rumours,
I wait…
the dull skid from the spotted carpet… brings
plans, for the undying day. Yet another portal
for the senseless rank I’ve been disposed to.
Fear and jealousy overcome obscene passion,
crashing the divisions with taut fists, as if
rummaging for the ruined coherence
stolen from my door, as this protrusive order fixates
upon demolishing sane legalities and principles.

Think.
Verterans feel this, of orbit. Father.
Emotion cascades from every pore, my limbs
simultaneously striking this arena in perfection.
How blind have I been, caught in the middle of such
precarious ground.
Wait…Think…

Last edited by wiggyisgreat at Nov 18, 2007,
#2
Wow it is deep. Very deep, I find it hard to understand, but I'm sure that's a good thing. I really like it.
signature
#3
Yeah. Very deep passion in your poem. I can´t really understand three quarters of the words but it´s a miracle if I get poems in english.
#4
Quote by wiggyisgreat



Occluded with limitless loathing
Myself. One mirror into absurdity, unreason.
Thundering from the new world, the forthcoming of hearsay,
I wait…nice opening. however, sometimes i felt like you were focusing too much on the vocabulary and kind of lost the meaning a bit.
the dull skid from the spotted carpet… brings
plans, for the eternal day. maybe try to find something else for 'the eternal day'. it really is an overused combination in poetry these days, it made this (amazing) sentence pretty cliché.Another portal
for the senseless rank I’ve been disposed to.
Fear and jealousy overcome obscene passion,
crashing the divisions with taut fists, as if
rummaging for the ruined coherence
stolen from my door as this protrusive order fixates
upon demolishing sane legalities and principles.
wow. i guess i'll have to say it again. i tried to get a meaning here, but i got lost in the vocabulary. it didn't really feel like you meant this, that you were trying to hard in a way. that might just be me, but i'm just trying to get my own meaning out of this. i did not really like how the last sentence kept going, i got lost near the end. the vocabulary was sublime, just a bit ocnfusing at times, and i read it out loud and it had a really good flow.


Think.
Veterans feel this, of orbit. Father.
loved this.
Emotion cascades from every pore, my limbs
simultaneously striking this arena in perfection.
How blind have I been, caught in the middle of such
precarious ground.
Wait…Think…
i did not like the last line. i can see how it adds to the piece, but i thought it was poorly executed. as for the rest, it was nothing special but it was well written and you didn't lose yourself in clichés or anything, so props for that.


Welcome to the forums.
I liked this, but I just got lost on the meaning sometimes. It probably means a lot to you, which is the most important thing of course, but yeah, like i said, it was hard for me to get a meaning out of this. I did like your style though, the vocabulary was great, the images were good, ...
Post more


One thing; don't say 'this is deep' at the beginning of your post. The only thing that it will get you is zombie crits (like the ones you see above) saying that "it is indeed really deep".

can you check mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=713749

Joris
#5
Quote by phantom1
Welcome to the forums.
I liked this, but I just got lost on the meaning sometimes. It probably means a lot to you, which is the most important thing of course, but yeah, like i said, it was hard for me to get a meaning out of this. I did like your style though, the vocabulary was great, the images were good, ...
Post more


One thing; don't say 'this is deep' at the beginning of your post. The only thing that it will get you is zombie crits (like the ones you see above) saying that "it is indeed really deep".

can you check mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=713749

Joris

Cheers for the crit man that helped a lot I see what you mean, I'll try to improve.

Yeah sure I'll check yours out tomorrow if that's alright, I'm really tired gotta get some sleep. I will look at it
#6
Edit your Original Post and put the the new version there.

Whether or not you keep the original version up there, properly marked, is up to you.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
Quote by wiggyisgreat
Edited version
This is my first post for a poem in these forums, so be gentle.
It may not make sense to you, but it means a lot to me, it's deep..


Awash with limitless loathing
Myself. One mirror into absurdity, unreason.
Thundering from the new world, the foreshadowing of rumours,
I wait…
the dull skid from the spotted carpet… brings
plans, for the undying day. Yet another portal
for the senseless rank I’ve been disposed to.
Fear and jealousy overcome obscene passion,
crashing the divisions with taut fists, as if
rummaging for the ruined coherence
stolen from my door, as this protrusive order fixates
upon demolishing sane legalities and principles.

Think.
Verterans feel this, of orbit. Father.
Emotion cascades from every pore, my limbs
simultaneously striking this arena in perfection.
How blind have I been, caught in the middle of such
precarious ground.
Wait…Think…



I like the connotations from the word choice: "taut" and "disposed" etc, and the emphasis from the line placement and punctuation is superb. Nice angsty tone as well.
Quote by filthandfury
I only do that on MSN, and I get many complaints about it.

F&F will have cyber sex with you on MSN. He's a bit handsy though.


I have become..... METACARPI!!!!

I wish


Joeymaxx
#8
Welcome to the S+L and thanks for the crit on my piece.

I'm not even really sure where to start on this. It seems rather profound and the message isn't one to clearly be analyzed. In parts it seemed like you were trying to hard with vocabulary but at other times it just seems to fit together nicely. There's a few places where I'd fix the structure up, play around with different placements, but generally it works well. Overall I think this is a rather interesting piece and I can't really ... think of anything to straightly critique it on as I would with some others.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
#9
Quote by wiggyisgreat
Edited version

Awash with limitless loathing
Myself. One mirror into absurdity, unreason.
Thundering from the new world, the foreshadowing of rumours,
I wait…
the dull skid from the spotted carpet… brings
plans, for the undying day. Yet another portal
for the senseless rank I’ve been disposed to.
Fear and jealousy overcome obscene passion,
crashing the divisions with taut fists, as if
rummaging for the ruined coherence
stolen from my door, as this protrusive order fixates
upon demolishing sane legalities and principles.

Think.
Verterans feel this, of orbit. Father.
Emotion cascades from every pore, my limbs
simultaneously striking this arena in perfection.
How blind have I been, caught in the middle of such
precarious ground.
Wait…Think…



So, usually I'd do a full crit. (Thanks by the way, for getting to mine). But for pieces like this, I'd only be kidding myself and not helping you as much as I would like. I really liked your vocabulary, it was almost mesmerizing. Rhythmically, it was near perfect. No strangely placed abrupt stops, or overly long phrases, so that was enjoyable.
I was confused, namely within the second half of the first stanza, as I couldn't quite follow what you were saying. And I don't feel the ending really did this justice. Though, the introduction was very well done and really caught my attention.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Welcome to the forum, by the way.
#10
Awash with limitless loathing
Myself. One mirror into absurdity, unreason.
I struggled with this first bit for far too long, trying to figure out if it you were loathing yourself. Looking at the rest of the work and the way it's structured, the capitalization of Myself points strongly toward that standing on it's own as a one-word introspective. You omitted the period at the end of the first line. Such a dreadful waste of thought trying to figure that out. Ugh.
Thundering from the new world, the foreshadowing of rumours,
I could have easily seen the second phrase as simply "rumours foreshadowing".
I wait…
the dull skid from the spotted carpet… brings
plans, for the undying day. Yet another portal
for the senseless rank I’ve been disposed to.
I have no clue as to what just happened.
Fear and jealousy overcome obscene passion,
crashing the divisions with taut fists, as if
rummaging for the ruined coherence
stolen from my door, as this protrusive order fixates
upon demolishing sane legalities and principles.
The brief phrases are now strung together, but I still haven't a clue. Other than this must be a torment of love/hate. Extreme frustration and chaos.

Think.
Verterans feel this, of orbit. Father.
Veterans? Trying to draw on the wisdom and example of elders?
Emotion cascades from every pore, my limbs
simultaneously striking this arena in perfection.
How blind have I been, caught in the middle of such
precarious ground.
Wait…Think…
In the end, I'm little wiser than when I started. I sense the confusion and inner conflict, but know not what it's about. You seem to be taking caution at the moment before some sort of action or reaction. That's all I can distill from this. I'm unable to offer an opinion. I obviously don't understand it.

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.