#1
*Disclaimer: I wrote this for the short competition... so it had to be under 10 lines... so don't yell for bad explanation, I did what I could. C4C


I stand before my open-legged grave,
knowing the consequences of my actions.
Yet, I lay willingly…
The gravedigger looks down through her hollow, grey eyes;
she begins, the first bits of dirt falling on my face.
She pumps harder, shovelfuls crush my chest,
she climaxes… I hear the headstone being tapped in
and my wife’s shrill voice seep through the dirt,
whispering, “liar, cheater, ex.”
Last edited by ZanasCross at Nov 20, 2007,
#2
I can see where its going, and it makes perfect sense, a bit...odd but still was pretty good, I got a real sense of what was going on straight from the start, keep up the good work

The link to my song is in my sig, feel free to crit it, if you can bare to spare the time
#3
I like the idea you have going on here. I'll crit the writing itself first and then I'll add my own idea about it, because.. you'll see.
I liked the whole metaphor, but there were a couple of things that bothered me. "open-legged grave" only made sense after i read the poem. When i just started reading I was like 'how can a grave be open-legged?'. 'beautiful blue eyes', nice alliteration but so cliché, so overused. I'm sure you can find another alliteration that is much stronger than this one. 'she climaxes' I laughed when I imagined a gravedigger climaxing near a grave. Made sense afterwards of course. The ending was great, no overused expressions, just amazing writing.
The idea was pretty good, but it was a bit disturbing to me. After a couple of reads I started to imagine the 'open-legged grave' as a dirty, smelly vagoo. On the other hand, the combination of death and sex is pretty dramatic as they fit so amazingly well together, in my opinion.
I thought this was pretty good, apart from the few things I mentioned; keep it up.

Check mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=713749
#4
Wow. Just... wow. This is a really good piece. I hope you won that competition. It's hard to find fault with it except with what phantom1 mentioned about the "blue eyes" line. I think that could be made better. Other than that, it's really good. I'm sorry this is such a crappy crit, it's just difficult to find fault with anything other than that line. It's really good.
Can't say I was never wrong
But some blame rests on you


Work and play they're never okay
To mix the way we do
#7
How did that win....? Wow...that's not even 1/16th as good as yours is....it must be a popularity contest as it is with most reality TV shows! ah don't worry ZanasCross, it was a good try nonetheless
#8
^ I voted for hamster one and I'm proud of it and I'll tell you why I voted for that . It tells you. How people make an opinion about u without even knowing the facts.

As far as piece is concerned . As soon asiread "open legged" . I knew it was about sex (Yeah I am sick and blah blah blah . I don't care) . it was writtern very poorly , the scenery was changing very quickl;y and some of the lines were thought in very last minute . i didn't liked it at all.

I've read ur pieces and you can do better than that
Hi
#9
Wow, excellent piece man. Lot's of things you could work with for interpretation which is great because any poem that creates discussion is a good one in my eyes. Definetly a frightening view on fornication, almost could be said borderline necrophelia .
"I hear the headstone being tapped in"- this line gives off great visual and sound sensory. Great work as always, love reading your stuff.
C4C on Amber?
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#10
Quote by abhishek21
^ I voted for hamster one and I'm proud of it and I'll tell you why I voted for that . It tells you. How people make an opinion about u without even knowing the facts.

As far as piece is concerned . As soon asiread "open legged" . I knew it was about sex (Yeah I am sick and blah blah blah . I don't care) . it was writtern very poorly , the scenery was changing very quickl;y and some of the lines were thought in very last minute . i didn't liked it at all.

I've read ur pieces and you can do better than that


Thanks for honest crit.

And I never said that the hamster piece was bad... it was actually quite imaginative and honestly, a really good short. I was just saying that that piece won our group.
#11
Hey, thanks for the crit on mine.

I love the idea behind the metaphor here. It took me a few reads to really appreciate it, but now I do.

I disagree with Abhishek, I thought this was written well. I would've liked to see it a bit longer maybe, but being written for the Short Comp and everything I understand why it wasn't, it works well as it is, it just seems a bit rushed.

I think maybe some of the words could be a bit more on the descriptive side - 'the first BITS' ... bits... eh... I'm sure you can think of something more provacative...

I appreciate the simplicity though... you know by reading my stuff that imagery and adjectives sorta come with the territory, so I guess it's down to personal preference.

O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#12
Women gravediggers? Shit, not if I were president...

In all seriousness, this was an enjoyable read. Maybe I'll crit it later when I stop drinking. Seasonal depression, ya know.
Poor advice.
#13
I stand before my open-legged grave,
that line ruins the piece.

Yet, I lay willingly…
The gravedigger looks down through her hollow, grey eyes;
she begins, the first bits of dirt falling on my face.
She pumps harder, shovelfuls crush my chest,

L1, no ... necessary
L2, this description really isn't that great. i like grey eyes, its just that... the way its expressed really makes this poem feel awful.
L3, ehh, i again really dislike the diction in this stanza. it feels forced
L4, crushing*, you need to keep the tenses consistent.
also, for this stanza, i'd do something like this "she begins--" "she pumps harder--", the punctuation choice really doesn't emphasize the cause and effect and makes it flow oddly.

she climaxes… I hear the headstone being tapped in
and my wife’s shrill voice seep through the dirt,
whispering, “liar, cheater, ex.”

L1, no need for ...s.
L2, 'shrill' is an unneeded descriptor and adds very little. also, it's seeps*.
L3, outstanding

the ending was excellent. the piece overall is solid, but the beginning until the end really needs to match up. read more, you'll get a better handle on grammar and diction that way.
#15
Quote by punchupatatigge
I stand before my open-legged grave,
that line ruins the piece.

Yet, I lay willingly…
The gravedigger looks down through her hollow, grey eyes;
she begins, the first bits of dirt falling on my face.
She pumps harder, shovelfuls crush my chest,

L1, no ... necessary
L2, this description really isn't that great. i like grey eyes, its just that... the way its expressed really makes this poem feel awful.
L3, ehh, i again really dislike the diction in this stanza. it feels forced
L4, crushing*, you need to keep the tenses consistent.
also, for this stanza, i'd do something like this "she begins--" "she pumps harder--", the punctuation choice really doesn't emphasize the cause and effect and makes it flow oddly.

she climaxes… I hear the headstone being tapped in
and my wife’s shrill voice seep through the dirt,
whispering, “liar, cheater, ex.”

L1, no need for ...s.
L2, 'shrill' is an unneeded descriptor and adds very little. also, it's seeps*.
L3, outstanding

the ending was excellent. the piece overall is solid, but the beginning until the end really needs to match up. read more, you'll get a better handle on grammar and diction that way.


I see you are really the only one to tear it apart. I still believe, after re-reading it again, that is great. A macabré poem, alike something Edgar Allan Poe would like to get his creepy hands on.
#16
I would have voted for your piece over the hamster bit. I really liked this piece. For some reason I got a Tim Burtonish feel from it. All in all you did a great job. Love all your work so far my friend.
#17
I really liked it as well, and how so many metaphores fit to deliver a great message. Quite well written but I would really like to see a full version, it would be much stronger.

I am sorry I have not alot to crit about, as it is so short, maybe just make it flow abit better with some rearanging. all in all quite decent and could be a great new tune. ^_^

C4C if you like; http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=719049
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#18
so, i'm apparently not very bright, and didnt even see your crit on my piece till just now... and i completely shafted you in my comment...fixed!

now onto the critique!

Quote by ZanasCross



I stand before my open-legged grave,
knowing the consequences of my actions. i didn't really like this line. its a really common phrase, if not cliche, and this piece deserves better.
Yet, I lay willingly…
The gravedigger looks down through her hollow, grey eyes;
she begins, the first bits of dirt falling on my face.
She pumps harder, shovelfuls crush my chest, the use of the word pumps in this line is very appropriate for whats going on, but it made me giggle in a place that i dont think warrants laughter. maybe that's just me being immature, but i would think about it.
she climaxes… I hear the headstone being tapped in
and my wife’s shrill voice seep through the dirt,
whispering, “liar, cheater, ex.” i love this ending. though, i'm not sure how accurate it is to describe a whispering voice as shrill. i don't know if that really makes a whole lot of sense. maybe change whispering to hissing or something. other than that it was a perfect ending to the piece.



i really liked this piece. sorry i didnt have all that much to say on it. its length doesnt leave much room for criticism. i do think the length is perfect, though. any longer and it would have been way too drawn out. nice work!

peace and love
ray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?