#1
This needs some work I know it.

Something New

We’re always wanting something new,
Whether it’s a car or just a pair of shoes.
It doesn’t matter if the shoe really fits,
As long as, you’re happy with it.
So I went out, bought myself some Nikes,
But then I said “Hey, I wanna car like Mikey’s.”
So I went out to the car dealership,
I bought the car, but I didn’t really like it.

We’re always wanting something new,
Whether it’s a car or just a pair of shoes.
We’re always gonna want something to show,
Whether it’s a hat, or a leather coat.

So I take a walk down Fairtell Road,
And sure enough, I bump into Mr. Jones.
He was wearing a brand new leather coat,
And it made me think, boy I gotta get some new clothes.

We’re always wanting something new,
Whether it’s a car or just a pair of shoes.
We’re always gonna want something to show,
Whether it’s a hat, or a leather coat.

Then I took a seat under a shady tree,
And sure enough, those Nikes are still on me.
I said “hey, I don’t really need these,
They’re just a waste, take them away from me.

We’re always wanting something new,
Whether it’s a car or just a pair of shoes.
We’re always gonna want something to show,
Whether it’s a hat, or a leather coat.
Last edited by k00kie M0nster at Nov 18, 2007,
#2
Nice commentary on society, it's simple but effective. Tis good!!!
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Joeymaxx
#3
Thats cool. I agree that its a nice commentary on society. keep up the good work!
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#4
Quote by k00kie M0nster
This needs some work I know it.

Something New

We’re always wanting something new,
Whether it’s a car or just a pair of shoes.
It doesn’t matter if the shoe really fits,
As long as, you’re happy with it.
So I went out, bought myself some Nikes,
But then I said “Hey, I wanna car like Mikey’s.”
So I went out to the car dealership,
I bought the car, but I didn’t really like it.
the flow is a little funny. hm. try not to focus so much on the rhyming of it. use assonance, it's easier than end rhyme. it's rather blunt, too. maybe try to be less straight-forward. be wordier, more imaginitive. something like, "we're always wanting something new,
maybe a car, or some fresh, gold shoes.
we don't care if the shoe fits well
as long as we're looking sharp."
i don't know, i was just playing with it, point is: don't worry about rhyme.


We’re always wanting something new,
Whether it’s a car or just a pair of shoes.
We’re always gonna want something to show,
Whether it’s a hat, or a leather coat.
again, be less bland and blunt.

So I take a walk down Fairtell Road,
And sure enough, I bump into Mr. Jones.
He was wearing a brand new leather coat,
And it made me think, boy I gotta get some new clothes.
instead of mr. jones, make it jones. get rid of leather in the second line. here:
"so, i took a walk down fairtell road,
and walking by, i saw good ol' jones.
he was wearing his brand new coat,
and it made me think that i need new clothes."
i did like the fact that you used a specific road, it makes the song more personal.


We’re always wanting something new,
Whether it’s a car or just a pair of shoes.
We’re always gonna want something to show,
Whether it’s a hat, or a leather coat.

Then I took a seat under a shady tree,
And sure enough, those Nikes are still on me.
I said “hey, I don’t really need these,
They’re just a waste, take them away from me.
if you said, i took MY seat under a shady tree, it would be better.
here, again:
"then i took my seat under a shady tree,
with my nike shoes still on my feet.
and i thought, "hey, i don't need these,
they're a waste of time, a waste of me."
i don't know, again, just playing with it.


We’re always wanting something new,
Whether it’s a car or just a pair of shoes.
We’re always gonna want something to show,
Whether it’s a hat, or a leather coat.

so, basically, use more imagery, and choose better, smoother words. i don't know really what to tell you.
just mess around with oddball thoughts. haha.