#1
Rip my hair out of my skull
crawling, crying, creeping
slowly across the wooden desk
All so goddamn familiar,
Empty, hollow, loneliness.

Scratch my eyes out with my fingers,
screaming, beating, self-indulged,
Lying love, I guess you quite enjoy
Tearing my head up to shreds.
sopping, sulking, dying bitch.

And I think that I might be
Too much a ****ing wreck
To carry on a minute longer

Tie my hands behind my back,
Before I hurt myself some more
Self-inflicted by the angst-filled
Bit of heaven on your tongue.
#2
Quote by Thomasoman
Rip my hair out of my skull
crawling, crying, creeping
slowly across the wooden desk
All so goddamn familiar,
Empty, hollow, loneliness.

This had a really good flow to it, and while not too abstract, I think it really works pretty well. However, I don't see what the imagery of crawling across a wooden desk has to do with anything, in this stanza or the rest of the piece... but I do like the rhyme you've used.

Scratch my eyes out with my fingers,
screaming, beating, self-indulged,
Lying love, I guess you quite enjoy
Tearing my head up to shreds.
sopping, sulking, dying bitch.

This one didn't flow as well... but the anger/message is definitely clear. Your third line was quite the stumbling block due to the fact it doesn't read well. Also, I miss to rhyme in this piece... I was kinda looking forward to it after the one in the last stanza.


And I think that I might be
Too much a ****ing wreck
To carry on a minute longer

I think your second line needs and 'of' before 'a'. It will make more sense. This, while strong, just doesn't really seem to fit in. Like the message does, it just doesn't seem to work well with the rest of the piece though, probably just the change in structure.

Tie my hands behind my back,
Before I hurt myself some more
Self-inflicted by the angst-filled
Bit of heaven on your tongue.

I liked this up til the last line. The bit of heaven really through me off... not sure what its supposed to mean. Up til now, you've been writing fairly plainly.... but now you throw in an abstract part? on the last line? me no likey.



Well, you started out strong... I'm afraid to say though, it went down hill from there. You lost your flow, your message kind of got jarbled up amongst angry phrases and cliches, (such as self-inflicted pain, scratching out eyes). It just needs a little tweaking me thinks.


Critique for critique? Please look over Two shovelfuls... in my sig.

peace and coconuts,

-zC
#3
Honestly, i have no idea what to say, it was brilliant and even touching some strange way.