#1
this is just somthing i put to a guitar peice. please crit and tell me what to change or to drop it or not. thanks.


You see the stars dying down dim
and your heart is racing all over again
you cant imagine with a human mind
what I’ve been through__pause___ TIME AFTER TIME-----------
time after time-----------------------------

for this is all you wish to seek
this is all you really want from me
my looks my taste, its not for free
the love I had must rest in peace

you cant use me for what you want
you cant hate me for someone I am not
you don’t think of me, I am not a thought
in your mind I am lusted over as if bought

do you see me, standing on that corner
selling myself like I am really that lonely
I don’t think so this isnt right
you used me time after time

no longer will you do this
and no longer will I let you
for you are going to be stopped
dead in your tracks with a single shot
#2
the rhyming stanzas might be a little off when it fits to music..i always have that problem so
its nothing that serious you can always go back and fix it..other then that i like it its catchy
Guitars-
Gibson SG Standard
Schecter c1 hellraiser fr (Tremelo-NO)


Amp-
5150 Custom
Marshall 1960a Lead

Effects-
Boss Ns2
EH Holy Stain
Boss Sd2
Ernie Ball Vol Jr
Digitech Digi Delay
Korg Rack Tuner
Furman Power Con
BBE Sonic Max
#4
Quote by jesse thompson


nothing wrong with the 1st stanza;

for this is all you wish to seek
this is all you really want from me
my looks my taste, its not for free
the love I had must rest in peace

^i dont like the repetition of 'this is', especially in the second line it breaks the flow imo. + i think 'really' doesnt fit well. + the rhyme sounds a bit forced. Imo this stanza needs more work to improve the flow.

you cant use me for what you want
you cant hate me for someone I am not
you don’t think of me, I am not a thought
in your mind I am lusted over as if bought

^the rhyming fits, but i feel its to simple, sounda a bit child like.

do you see me, standing on that corner
selling myself like I am really that lonely
I don’t think so this isnt right
you used me time after time

^ i like the ending, last two lines sound good with indirect rhyme.

no longer will you do this
and no longer will I let you
for you are going to be stopped
dead in your tracks with a single shot


^ i dont find the ending effective, maybe u can fnd something more dramatic for it. Once again i must say that the rhymes sound to forced, remember, you dont always have to rhyme it exactly to make it sound good. Try a different scheme and use more colourful imagery and vocab. Cheers
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=714816