#1
when the rain rolled in on that sunny sunday,
and i spoke to you
of the clouds, of the saints, of the flowers and dried paints,
and the world, and our lives that are over,

you cut your hair to prove to me
that you're stronger than before,
but you saw my look of disbelief,
and you don't see me anymore.

but i still care
and i wouldn't lie
like she did,
like we did.

the sparks, they grew like a green november
and i called you name
out in the snow, in the wind, on that busy street,
in the cold, where the stars shone brighter.

and you sank into the dirty seats
of the car we sped in, light-years,
but you melted to the seatbelt
when the traffic lights blurred over.
la de da de da!... (etc.)

so collect those stars from your chorus teacher
as you lose your voice
to the choir, to your "friends", to those bad ideas,
to your mother, you left her, don't you miss her?

so, i'll hold my tongue and you'll scream
that you've beaten this before,
but you're the same sad mess you used to be,
and i don't need you anymore.

and we rolled around
in the bright, green grass,
but i don't miss it,
but i won't miss it.
la de da de da!... (etc.)
#2
Quote by radiocure
when the rain rolled in on that sunny sunday,
and i spoke to you
of the clouds, of the saints, of the flowers and dried paints,
and the world, and our lives that are over,
I love that line.
you cut your hair to prove to me
that you're stronger than before,

but you saw my look of disbelief,
and you don't see me anymore.
Cut your hair? Is he goin into the army?
but i still care
and i wouldn't lie
like she did,
like we did.
you need to talk about "her" more, I have no idea what she did or who she is
the sparks, they grew like a green november
and i called your name
out in the snow, in the wind, on that busy street,
in the cold, where the stars shone brighter.
Not much I can add to this, I like it.
and you sank into the dirty seats
of the car we sped in, light-years,
but you melted to the seatbelt
when the traffic lights blurred over.

A little confused here about the dirty seats and getting melted to the seatbelt.
la de da de da!... (etc.)

so collect those stars from your chorus teacher
as you lose your voice
to the choir, to your "friends", to those bad ideas,
to your mother, you left her, don't you miss her?
You keep on hopping around to different concepts in each stanza.
so, i'll hold my tongue and you'll scream
that you've beaten this before,
but you're the same sad mess you used to be,
and i don't need you anymore.
Good, but still a different concept
and we rolled around
in the bright, green grass,
but i don't miss it,
and i won't miss it.
Decent ending, but I'm not sure about the first two lines.
la de da de da!... (etc.)

it's a good start, but some parts don't seem to stay on one topic.


Crit "Something New" please? No one's commented on it yet...
Last edited by k00kie M0nster at Nov 18, 2007,
#3
I like it, though I'm not sure what a green november is.

I think I especially like it 'cuz it's different. Good job. Maybe work on that la de da part, though...
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
#4
Quote by radiocure
when the rain rolled in on that sunny sunday,
and i spoke to you
of the clouds, of the saints, of the flowers and dried paints,
and the world, our lives that are over,

I really like this verse, especially the imagery of third line. If I had to say anything, I think the last lines could be worded a bit more fluidly.

you cut your hair to prove to me
that you're stronger than before,
but you saw my look of disbelief,
and you don't see me anymore.

Here also, the last line is a bit awkward. But the story here is quite strong.

but i still care
and i wouldn't lie
like she did,
like we did.

the sparks, grew like a green november
as I called your name
out in the snow, dancing winds on that busy street,
in the cold, where the stars shone brighter.

Don't know if you'd like these changes, but here are my thoughts of how this could be better.

and you sank into the dirty seats
of the car we sped in, light-years,
but you melted to the seatbelt
when the traffic lights blurred over.
la de da de da!... (etc.)

so collect those stars from your chorus teacher
as you lose your voice
to the choir, to your "friends", to those bad ideas,
to your mother, you left her, don't you miss her?

The imagery you sustain through this peice is great, and the lyrics remind me of something like Jeff Buckley.

so, i'll hold my tongue and you'll scream
that you've beaten this before,
but you're the same sad mess you used to be,
and i don't need you anymore.

My favorite part, it really hooks.

and we rolled around
in the bright, green grass,
but i don't miss it,
No i won't miss it.
la de da de da!... (etc.)


That tiny little change I think makes it flow better.


Really great, I think the wording is perfect for a clean guitar melody.
#5
"Cut your hair? Is he goin into the army?"

no, he's not going to the army, haha. uhh, i don't know how to explain it. i guess it's metaphorical in a sense, because he never did cut his hair, but he fakely bent his back to act like he cared. he loves his hair and it's long as hell.

"you need to talk about "her" more, I have no idea what she did or who she is"
as far as her goes, i didn't talk about her, because she doesn't need to be talked about. she's not what i was focusing on, therefore, there's no real point to dwell on it.

the whole seatbelt thing was metaphorical of speeding and lack of self.
i don't know.

as far as switching subjects, i really didn't. it's all about the same guy and what's wrong with him and us together. i use a lot of metaphors and things of the sort, so that might be why it seems like i am,
i'm really not.
my train of thought is kind of hard to follow, as well as my choice of words.
i don't know.

--

"I think I especially like it 'cuz it's different. Good job. Maybe work on that la de da part, though..."
the la de da part is a lot longer and it works with the song. i just didn't want to fill out how many la de da's there really were. it'd take too long and look really weird.
#6
Quote by RockOut2TheMoon
I like it, though I'm not sure what a green november is.

I think I especially like it 'cuz it's different. Good job. Maybe work on that la de da part, though...

green november would be perfect.
a green november is like... just what it sounds like,
without fall. fall is orange and red and yellow, spring is green, and if november were green, it'd be happy, instead of so bleak and depressing.
it has deeper meaning.
i met this kid in fall.
#7
I really liked it. The use of language is great, and it flows well. The only thing that i can suggest is changing "sunny sunday". Maybe its just me, but it doesn't seem right.


Could you check out mine. Its called "Each Other"
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My Recordings:

Dissident Blues
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Stop This Train
#8
Quote by radiocure
when the rain rolled in on that sunny sunday, not a fan of that saying, sort of cliché-ish
and i spoke to you
of the clouds, of the saints, of the flowers and dried paints,excellent line
and the world, and our lives that are over,

you cut your hair to prove to me
that you're stronger than before,
but you saw my look of disbelief,
and you don't see me anymore.
this stanza seems to branch off elsewhere but you're not saying. Maybe ellaborate more.
but i still care
and i wouldn't lie
like she did,
like we did.

the sparks, they grew like a green november
and i called you name
out in the snow, in the wind, on that busy street,
in the cold, where the stars shone brighter.
nice work, no problems here
and you sank into the dirty seats
of the car we sped in, light-years,
but you melted to the seatbelt
when the traffic lights blurred over.nice
la de da de da!... (etc.)

so collect those stars from your chorus teacher
as you lose your voice
to the choir, to your "friends", to those bad ideas,
to your mother, you left her, don't you miss her?branching off again

so, i'll hold my tongue and you'll scream
that you've beaten this before,
but you're the same sad mess you used to be,
and i don't need you anymore.

and we rolled around
in the bright, green grass,
but i don't miss it,
but i won't miss it.
la de da de da!... (etc.)


It's good, lots of beautiful imagery and excellent flow. Well done.
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#9
Quote by radiocure
when the rain rolled in on that sunny sunday,
and i spoke to you
of the clouds, of the saints, of the flowers and dried paints,
and the world, and our lives that are over,
Nice.

you cut your hair to prove to me
that you're stronger than before,
Mm? I would relate this to be something about confidence, though I'm almost positive that's not what you were going for. I'm quite confused with the purpose of this.
but you saw my look of disbelief,
and you don't see me anymore.
I don't like the final line here.

but i still care
and i wouldn't lie
like she did,
like we did.
This is a bit strange. "I wouldn't lie" and then "Like we did" contradicts itself.

the sparks, they grew like a green november
and i called your name
out in the snow, in the wind, on that busy street,
in the cold, where the stars shone brighter.
I like this. Paints a clear image that is easily relatable.

and you sank into the dirty seats
of the car we sped in, light-years,
I think this is a bit awkwardly phrased, at least the way lights years in thrown in. It's easy to comprehend, just reads weird.
but you melted to the seatbelt
when the traffic lights blurred over.
This is very cool. I like your use of imagery and your metaphorical sense so far.
la de da de da!... (etc.)

so collect those stars from your chorus teacher
as you lose your voice
to the choir, to your "friends", to those bad ideas,
to your mother, you left her, don't you miss her?
This came quite out of nowhere. Relevance? I can't seem to find any.

so, i'll hold my tongue and you'll scream
that you've beaten this before,
but you're the same sad mess you used to be,
and i don't need you anymore.
I like.

and we rolled around
in the bright, green grass,
but i don't miss it,
but i won't miss it.
la de da de da!... (etc.)

I agree with Delanoir here. change the final "But" to "No.


So, overall, I liked this very very much!
It was different, had excellent flow, and some very interesting choice of words. I'd be interested to hear how this sounds with music.
Thank you for critiquing mine.