#1
I wrote this for my writer's course, and I'm looking for some feedback... I dont normally write poetry, so any suggestions would be helpful :P thank you!


Calligraphy was your face
Vanilla skin etched with precision

I am illiterate

your pregnant eyes were more reliable
dappled with specks of reluctance
illustrating a truth
exceeding the ambiguity of words

You tamed the idea with whips of language
words weren’t misplaced in your throat
No
they gripped the edges like tar
resisting the revealing exhalation
I know
blackness heavy on your tongue

I swallowed my confidence
down the wrong way
my body coughs panic
my insides churn with anticipation

With each awkward blink,
I feel your confessions reaching through the static of silence
tugging the hopeful intangibles of my mind
through fogging stained glass eyes
melting through the panes with each pull

You don’t need to spell it
I’m inked already
once enraptured
now star crossed

I’m illiterate, but I can read
#3
Read it, and I'll try to put some comments in later, as I've got a ridiculous paper to write right now. Sorry.
#4
I like it, no bad words to say. Only thing here to nit pick if any is the line "star crossed", but it works so whatever. Good job, hope to see more on here from you
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
#5
Yeah, thats really good. I have no suggestions to make, except write more pieces!!

Could you check out mine. Its called "Each Other"
UG's Stock Market Guy

Hablo Español
Wǒ néng shuō Zhōngwén

So you can speak to me in English, Spanish or Chinese

My Recordings:

Dissident Blues
El Farol
Lenny
We'll Make This Work
Stop This Train
#6
marry me. (not really)

after that first couplet i died. seriously. you have an impeccable understanding of the english language and an ability to use it in an eloquent, but not cliched sort of manner.

im going to go hunt for some more of your work

Yeah. The rumors are true. I'm a twat.
#8
Alright, I'm going to do something I hate and that's not give any tips for improvement. I wish I could, but as I see it, it's pretty much as good as it's gonna get. (And that's very good, by the way). It's written very poetically, but not so much as I can't understand what the meaning is, (at least I think I've figured out the meaning.)

Please read my um....thing titled Chris Walken. It's really good for a laugh I hear...

#9
I loved this, and it seemslike everyone else did too.

I think though, that I'm gonna have to be the first to point out a flaw and thats its over-eloquence. It felt, all the way through, like you over thought every line, and it disrupted the natural flow, made it more from the mind than the heart, if that makes sense.
Otherwise its awesome, I have little to say that could improve it. This is a lousy crit so feel no need to return it, buuuutt if you do, please do Short Story #1, to which there is a link in my signature, and be sure to scroll down to the bottom for the revised and much altered version. Keep writing, dude.

Peace
Dave