#1
Hey, here's a song I just wrote...i'm not sure if it's completly finished yet or not, I might add a bridge after the second chorus, but let me know what your think...c4c


I don' know why
I even try.
I mess everything up
everytime.
Mabey I should just
say goodbye.
Start my car and
drive away.

I don't know when,
I'll be back again.
Will anyone care
when I'm gone?
I'm leaving now,
someway, somehow,
I'll leave this town
behind.

I'm not here right now
You've cuaght the machine
but dont leave a message at the tone,
cuase I'm never coming home.

I don't know where
I should go,
but I gotta get
out of here.
Layin tracks.
No look'n back,
as I leave my
home behind.

Gass'n up,
at the pump.
Still no where
to go.
Barely alive,
doin 85
between the
white lines.

Still not here right now,
you've cuaght the machine
but don't leave a message at the tone
cuase I'm still not home.

Still on the road
it's been awhile.
I'm getting tired
now.
Mabey I
Why don't I
Make my way back
home?

I miss my family,
and my friends,
I geuse I'll see them
soon.
I'm coming home
from the unknown
my adventures
through.

I'm not here right now
You've cuaght the machine,
but leave a message at the tone,
cuase soon I'm coming home.
#5
Very well done, but there are some parts thats throw me off (mainly the last two lines of each verse, try makin it rhyme, or flow good, well depends on how you sing it, lol) but the rest of the verse is good. The chorus is excellent. Good job. Keep on rockin in the free world.

#6
It sounds alot better sung to the music, once I have it recorded, Ill get it up here.
#7
Hmm some of the rhyming sounds too predictable, like this bit:

I'm leaving now,
someway, somehow

Too obvious and cliche. The song it self is kind of ambiguous. Punk lyrics dont have to be the next literary masterpiece, but it has to be straightforward because you're trying to get your point through. Is the guy in the song trying to run away or come back home? It could be both but I dont think it'll work for this type of song. I was excited reading this thinking it would be a rebel song until it gets to the part where he starts thinking he should go back home. It just doesnt cut it for me. Keep trying
Last edited by xxemo_kittyxx at Nov 21, 2007,
#8
Yeh, honestly I realy dont like where it went, I wrote the first verse and the chorus when I was pissed off, and then, I just wrote the rest of it while I was typing it on here, I've actualy been thinking of re-doing it.