#1
Today in line at a gas station - a small child weeping.
But this was not true grief, his mother explained to me.
This was pretend grief.
This was grief designed to get something.
I thought, "Have I felt anything but pretend grief?"
And I couldn't answer.
And I felt true grief.
Poor advice.
#2
Quote by stellar_legs
Today in line at a gas station - a small child weeping.

Good imagery, really builds scene.

But this was not true grief, his mother explained to me.
This was pretend grief.
This was grief designed to get something.
y
This is just tripping all over itself. It feels like you are trying to say something, and while you accomplish this... it just feels sloppy.

I thought, "Have I felt anything but pretend grief?"
And I couldn't answer.
And I felt true grief.

Neat concept for an ending.


To be honest, I didn't really enjoy this, which was kinda disappointing because, usually I really dig your stuff. This just felt like you are talking in circles. You describe a scene, set up for the punchline, and then the punchline just didn't feel like it had enough oomph to justify reading this. Sorry to be harsh... but I'm not going to try to be an optimist with someone who has already established himself as a good writer... and this just seemed sub-par.

c4c Two Shovelfuls (in sig)

peace and coconuts,

-zC
#3
I thought it was very enjoyable personally.

The use of grief got a little annoying because it's a clumsy word to me but the ideas and the leading from one idea to the next between lines was phenomenal.

Overall, not your best quality of writing but it was nice.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
I loved it.

Say, in the second line, do you really need the "but?" It would probably flow a little better if there was a line in between the first and second lines saying something to the effect of "It appeared to be true grief." Not in that exact context, of course, but... y'know.

It was still excellent.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#6
By lines:

1-ok, nothing too impressive, but it doesnt have to be i guess. I dont actually like the hyphen and the incomplete sentences, but whatever.

2-umm, i feel this can be better. how about using a stronger word than true?

3-it was pretend brief? pretend grief sounds almost childish. but thats ok here. simple line, no problem with it.

4-can u say this better? i think u could.

5-how about not using quotes? like just saying "have i...pretend grief" like in italics. or "i asked myself if..." I think the quotes take it out of its rhythm a little.

6-good

7-Very good.

I liked the idea of it, a lot, but i really thought that u could have done a better job of bringing it through. or maybe if u just change it a little. but i thought it was good. it just could be better.

crit mine? the link is in my sig. thnx
#7
I'm surprised the writing style is falling on so many confused heads. Every word, no matter how simple, is there for a reason. This is a simple piece. Maybe say it out loud to yourself, much like reading a journal entry.
Poor advice.
#8
I read this fine.

It's nice to see something at least somewhat astray from your usual style.

I liked it. It was enjoyable.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching