#1
This is a song I wrote a couple of years ago while I was still in high school So you guys can tell where most of this came from.

Verse 1
Why must you disguise who you are?
The truth is a temptation in which you cannot reach.
Making yourself look like an ass
To put yourself into a higher social class.
Lying so much you forget who you are.
But you cannot heal your internal scar.


Chorus
Social Mask… is what you put on in public.
Shameless Task… of making lies and hurting people.
Hidden Past… is what you remember when you wake up in the
Morning before you put on your
Social Mask… of false identity and relationships.
Thinking Fast… to keep up with your lies.

Verse 2
Can anybody tell me what popularity is?
It is what you strive for and die for.
Trying to keep up in the race.
But you can only run at your pace.
To improve your speed you invent a lie.
But to figure out a part of you just died.


Repeat Chorus

Breakdown
Why must you hurt people? Heartless
Why must you abandon your old friends? Soulless
Why must you tell more lies? Truth less
Fine then you must die Lifeless


Repeat chorus

Verse 3
Do you even remember you haunting past?
Or do you just look back and laugh?
Now everybody is holding a mass.
So we can go and kick your ass.
Now all the people you hurt in the past
are going to get revenge at last

Repeat Chorus

So what do you guys think.
Last edited by Kevin Rich at Nov 19, 2007,
#2
Quote by Kevin Rich
This is a song I wrote a couple of years ago while I was still in high school So you guys can tell where most of this came from.

Verse 1
Why must you disguise who you are?
The truth is a temptation in which you cannot reach.
Making yourself look like an ass
To put yourself into a higher social class.
Lying so much you forget who you are.
But you cannot heal your internal scar.
Captured my attention immediately mainly because I can relate to it. Flows well although the third line seems to break the flow slightly.

Chorus
Social Mask… is what you put on in public.
Shameless Task… of making lies and hurting people.
Hidden Past… is what you remember when you wake up in the
Morning before you put on your
Social Mask… of false identity and relationships.
Thinking Fast… to keep up with your lies.
Flows well. I loke the way you split up the lines which is a nice effect.
Verse 2
Can anybody tell me what popularity is?
It is what you strive for and die for.
Trying to keep up in the race.
But you can only run at your pace.
To improve your speed you invent a lie.
But to figure out a part of you just died.
I like how you answer the question you ask on the line after it instead of leaving it hanging. I also like how its direct and to the point. Again it flows well.

Repeat Chorus

Breakdown
Why must you hurt people? Heartless
Why must you hurt your old friends? Soulless
Why must you tell more lies? Truth less
Fine then you must die Lifeless
The first two lines say pretty much the same thing. Changing the "hurt" in the second line to something else would make the whole thing more captivating and aid flow. Otherwise this works well.

Repeat chorus

Verse 3
Do you even remember you haunting past?
Or do you just look back and laugh?
Now everybody is holding a mass.
So we can go and kick your ass.
Now all the people you hurt in the past
Is going to get revenge at last
This seems a bit to strong compared to the rest of the song. the "Is" in the last line breaks the flow and is grammaticaly incorrect, unless you used it for effect I recommend changing it to "Are".
Repeat Chorus

So what do you guys think.


It's easy to relate to and I like the idea behind the song and the structure and wording of it overall, but i think it needs some revising to make it better.
Ka pu te ruha ka hao te rangatahi.
#3
Quote by Taydr
It's easy to relate to and I like the idea behind the song and the structure and wording of it overall, but i think it needs some revising to make it better.

Thanks it was a rough draft so I'll fix the errors.
#4
Quote by Kevin Rich
Thanks it was a rough draft so I'll fix the errors.

After reading it again I thought that this line:
Why must you hurt your old friends? Soulless

worked better as something along the lines of:
Why must you abandon your old friends? Soulless


I just found that talking about hurting people in one line then talking about about hurting old friends in the next line was an unnecessary repitition where something along the lines of leaving old friends works better with the concept of the song.
Ka pu te ruha ka hao te rangatahi.
#5
I just found that talking about hurting people in one line then talking about about hurting old friends in the next line was an unnecessary repitition where something along the lines of leaving old friends works better with the concept of the song.

Thank you so much, that makes it flow a lot better than before.
Last edited by Kevin Rich at Nov 19, 2007,
#7
Quote by Deadbassist135
this is a sick song dude, i like it alot

Thank You, I usually can't write song Lyrics (I usaully write the Music) and I was suprised when I wrote this.
#8
The last lines of Verse 3 seem to be trying too hard to rhyme imo. But other than that, and what Taydr pointed out, it's very good!
#9
Pretty good. I love the fact that it can reach to alot of people but the "Fine then you must die" part needs a little more weight. Find something to substitute the "fine then" part.

crit mine? (siggy)