#1
*shrugs* Crit-for-Crit. Pretty much on the spot... hopefully this one gets more crits than my last one.


you're a painting of an endless wardrobe, and i'm just a kid addicted to playing dress-up.

simplicity is the key, but i’m locked up like a
piñata in headlights. ‘simply’ run, you say.
I’m fucking paper and glue in the shape of a
heart.
just run me over already, ‘cause I can't live
without you. another weak cliché and
something about a silver lining – better off
a paper-draped heart than a sponge, or i’d
be fastened sopping wet to the floor. at least
this way I can hope for a big gust of bullshit
to come and sweep me off my feet and out of
your hi-way.
Look harder.
Your silver lining is nothing more than a ten
foot long tire-stretched grey stain.
so?
blood stopped pumping through these arteries
long ago.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Nov 23, 2007,
#2
*shrugs* Crit-for-Crit. Pretty much on the spot... hopefully this one gets more crits than my last one.


you're a painting of an endless wardrobe, and i'm just a kid addicted to playing dress-ups.

simplicity is the key, but i’m locked up like a
piñata in headlights. ‘simply’ run, you say.
I’m fucking paper and glue in the shape of a
heart.
choke.
freeze.
choke.
freeze.
just run me over already, ‘cause i can’t live
without you. another weak cliché and
something about a silver lining – better off
a paper-draped heart than a sponge, or i’d
be fastened sopping wet to the floor. at least
this way I can hope for a big gust of bullshit
to come and sweep me off my feet and out of
your hi-way.
Look harder.
Your silver lining is nothing more than a ten
foot long tire-stretched grey stain.
so?
blood stopped pumping through these arteries
long ago.
I think that
choke.
freeze.

only needed to be used once as it seems to break the flow of the piece. Other than that its a pretty good piece, it flows well and captures the attention even though it contains clichés which work well with you acknowledging them and incorperating that into the piece.
Ka pu te ruha ka hao te rangatahi.
#3
Thanks. You got anything you want me to crit?
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#4
I don't know how I feel about this. I want to like it.

the first thing I thought was, why would a pinata be locked in a car's headlights? this is a dramatically different version of the game than I'm used to. then I thought, man, I've never seen a pinata shaped like a heart, that's..kind of bleak.. though, of course, I realize what you're saying.

what I really wanted to say here really only concerns one line and that is the one that acknowledges itself as cliche. I've been seeing this done a lot lately in writing and I'm going to say something about that: don't do it. In what other field can you admit that you've done something wrong and then just go on as if that the acknowledgment justifies it? what if you were to say, okay, I'm a violent racist, let's get on with it. okay, I just hit my wife, I know it's wrong, okay okay let's go. wouldn't fly.

I know it's a popular technique but it's lazy. just avoid the cliche in the first place, you can do it.


Look harder.
Your silver lining is nothing more than a ten
foot long tire-stretched gray stain.


that's really tight. the rest I'm ambivalent on. I'll come back.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#6
Good points, thank you.

I haven't even read any pieces with people acknowledging cliches, it's not that i copied it or anything. i'll definately look at making it better.

thanks again.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#7
Magic, there is little better way to discribe it, interesting and personally, I like the resemblance to a pinata in there, worked for me, made sense and the last line just gave it the final little kick that it needed to turn this from an average piece with strokes of brilliance to something I'd listen to on a CD or turn up on the radio. Though, as Less Than That has alraedy stated the aknowledgement of cliches in the piece does take a bit away, but apart from that keep up the good work.

P.S. Link to my songs in the sig, that is if you can be bothered, or believe that my crit is worth a re-crit haha.
#8
OH. MY. GOD.


I hate you.


You're too good for this. Seriously, the pinata in headlights: about to be run over/smashed to bits, and not being able to do anything about it. Pinatas are inanimate objects, and how the hell are they supposed to run away? Great stuff, Nate.

The paper/glue/paper heart bit is great. Also, the bit about silver linings, and the tyre-track....deep. I likey.

I might post some old stuff later.....but yeah, this was great. Thanks for making my day, love.
#9
*shrugs* Crit-for-Crit. Pretty much on the spot... hopefully this one gets more crits than my last one.


you're a painting of an endless wardrobe, and i'm just a kid addicted to playing dress-up.

simplicity is the key, but i’m locked up like a
piñata in headlights. ‘simply’ run, you say.
I’m fucking paper and glue in the shape of a
heart.
choke.
freeze.
choke.
just run me over already, ‘cause i can’t live
without you. another weak cliché and
something about a silver lining – better off
a paper-draped heart than a sponge, or i’d
be fastened sopping wet to the floor. at least
this way I can hope for a big gust of bullshit
to come and sweep me off my feet and out of
your hi-way.
Look harder.
Your silver lining is nothing more than a ten
foot long tire-stretched grey stain.
so?
blood stopped pumping through these arteries
long ago.

quite an interesting read. i enjoyed it.

however, i was quite confused within the first few lines with the "up like a
piñata in headlights" i don't understand how it fits, maybe i'm just too tired to think or something.

but yeah, i liked it. not much i can really say bad about it.

keep on rockin'

if you book them, they will come
I hate my username, it all happened in a rush


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#12

simplicity is the key, but i’m locked up like a
piñata in headlights. ‘simply’ run, you say.
I’m fucking paper and glue in the shape of a
heart.
choke.
freeze.
choke.

I don't know that I really like the single word lines here. Obviously others do. But I don't really feel like after "heart" it really adds too much to the piece. just seems like an attempt to add an artsy touch. Leave it raw, I think it works better. I would leave the 'heart.' as a single line though.

just run me over already, ‘cause i can’t live
without you. another weak cliché and
something about a silver lining – better off
a paper-draped heart than a sponge, or i’d
be fastened sopping wet to the floor. at least
this way I can hope for a big gust of bullshit
to come and sweep me off my feet and out of
your hi-way.

Damn you have a way with words. Very good. Sort of abstractish, but still solid enough to convey a solid meaning... I dig it.


Look harder.
Your silver lining is nothing more than a ten
foot long tire-stretched grey stain.
so?
blood stopped pumping through these arteries
long ago.

Didn't much care for this ending though. It does wind the piece down well. But I didn't really follow the tire part. The rhyme between so and ago is bland... however it works well in flow... so I'd leave it.


Your pieces are always staggeringly good as far as imagery. However sometimes, they lack meaning. This one has a great amount of both. The only think I didn't really like was the ending... I just felt like it was a bit of a let down after the pinata start. It's hard to follow a climax like that.

Good work though mate.

c4c (Two shovelfuls) in sig.

peace and coconuts,

-zC
#13
I really liked this. The image of a pinata in the headlights is pretty inventive.

Hm... like the others have said, I'm not sure about the line breaks in between the "choke" and "freeze" bit. Maybe you could set it like "choke / freeze / choke" or something like that. I think it might work better in this piece. But that's just my own subjective.

Speaking of line breaks, I like the way you used the line break before "your hi-way." It emphasized the "your," which I thought was nice.

The "I can't live without you" is obviously cliche, as was said in the piece itself, but I think a more morose sort of cliche would work better in this context. Like, "I'd die without you anyway." Y'know. Something along those lines.

But overall, I thought it was excellent.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
Last edited by K-Lizzle at Nov 20, 2007,
#14
This isn't supposed to be a bump, I just wanna tell people that I will return crits, but probably in a day or two.

Really sorry... I'm completely tied down with schoolwork until the weekend.

I'll get to everyone ASAP. Thanks to all who have critted this for me.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#15
Nate,
****ing amazing, greatly beautiful

all the metaphores fit together greatly

crit mine bro
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=11577634#post11577634
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#16
Saving you from the second page! lol...It def sounds like a heavy metal song but im not sure, and it would sound pretty good if it was heavy, it has a great flow to it as well, good job, keep it up man
#17
haha.

Thanks guys.

zeppelin... I don't really plan on putting this to music, it hardly has much of a structure... but yeah.

And to everyone else, I cut the choke. freeze. choke. thing like you suggested, any better?

I'm pretty sure I've returned all crits by now... holla at me if I haven't.

Oh, and I'm still working on cutting out the 'another weak cliche' line and replacing it.

Anymore crits? Muchly appreciated.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.