#1
Sorry, some parts are a little bit vulgar...


A ****ing divorce and a caravan.
All your stuff in a garbage can.
Even when you had cried.
Your wife didn't care for your tries.
She locked the doors and burnt your car.
Take your ass out to the bar.
A shot of tequila to ease the pain.
Don't think you'll ever see your kids again.


Your ex wife now has your house.
That bitch now has a new spouse.
Think of that man hugging your kids.
Think of your wife sucking his dick.
Throw back a couple more shots.
Keep drinking 'til you forget the lot.
No time to waste, you gotta get drunk.
You cant think of your wife and that hunk.


Drink until the fat chik is hot.
Drink and drink and smoke some pot!
Drug abuse and addiction.
Won't get that bitch out of your fiction.
She's all you can think of all day long.
Your losing your mind and holding a gun.
You stick the barrell in you mouth.
You pull the trigger but nothing comes out.
All your life seems like such a waste.
So it's off to your wifes house with all haste.
You hold the gun to her head.
All you want is to see her dead...
Last edited by maccas666 at Nov 19, 2007,
#4
Quote by maccas666
Sorry, some parts are a little bit vulgar...


Yeah, they are. You're right on the boundary of offensive here, but I think the concept has enough merit and the vulgarity is framed in a reasonable context.

I'll PM Steve, rather than report this. You should continue to get crits/comments until he decides whether it's over the line. It's not just a bunch of in-your-face offensiveness, so it will probably stand as-is. If it gets closed, you'll have your answer. I would doubt a warning will be issued.

I'm not going to crit it, myself. But I will say the logic falls apart miserably when the gun doesn't fire, yet the same gun is taken to the (ex)wife's house to be held against her head?

This is symptomatic of the lack of attention to detail throughout the work. You should go through something like this very carefully before presenting it to the public. The concept is good, but the execution lacks finesse.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
yeah i know that about the gun, thats why insted of just putting a full-stop at the end i put three dots... its suppose to make you think that maybe the gun failed the 2nd time too, maybe it worked, maybe when it didnt fire he beat her to death, so yeah, its like that so whoever reads the lyrics doesn't know what happened.
#6
That works as far as leaving the result as a question. But it's really hard to imagine, even in a distraught state, the husband would even bother with a gun that just failed. It just doesn't seem plausible. It destroys any credibility and the reader is now responsible for trying to reconcile this. That's far too much to ask. You need to find a way to fix that. ... and the third line is atrocious. The narrator is speaking directly to the husband, muddling the concept of this being a personal account told in the third person. You need to change that to maintain the third person point of view.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
what do you suggest i do with the 3rd line? im thinking maybe "even when you had cried"
#8
^ Sure, that would work. Or

"You don't know why you tried."

"Why did you bother to try."

w/e. Just don't use "I"
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
^^you shouldn't use any version of the word 'try' at all, unless you intend to change the fourth line. rhyming a word to the same word or a version of the same word is the laziest thing ever, in my opinion. try harder. your writing is your creation, you can't just haphazardly throw words together and expect it to be good. you gotta work.

sorry if that was harsh. nothing personal.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#10
Quote by hope's downfall
^^you shouldn't use any version of the word 'try' at all, unless you intend to change the fourth line. rhyming a word to the same word or a version of the same word is the laziest thing ever, in my opinion. try harder. your writing is your creation, you can't just haphazardly throw words together and expect it to be good. you gotta work.

sorry if that was harsh. nothing personal.



yeah i do agree with you, it is a poor technique. my excuse can be like ummm... i hadn't slept for 2 days? that'll do nicely... anyway i have changed it to "even when you had cried"