Poll: What grade do YOU think I'll get?
Poll Options
View poll results: What grade do YOU think I'll get?
A*
2 13%
A
3 19%
B
7 44%
C
1 6%
D
3 19%
Voters: 16.
#1
Ok so for my GCSE coursework I have to write a short poem about anything that comes to mind.
I just wanted to know whether this poem is even worth giving in and what grade you expect me to get from it... be nice.

Thine souls of summer, winter, spring and autumn. Living in thy world of sickness, in death and glory thou dudst compete, even in this modern age. Whence thy first walked innocently into the blinding sun shielding thine eyes with thine pale arms, unbenownst* to the torture you shall commit, the death you shall bring and the unforgivable pain, sheer screaming pain, that even in survival you shall bring. Thine love for thine mother and thy father shall bring the world of hatred and fury into a personal fight, whence thou destroyeth thine beautiful planet will you realise, only then, it was for nothing.

Whaddya think ..?

* Not sure of spelling
#3
I like what you're trying to do, but here's some tips:

- Use lines. Try iambic pentametre, though you'll have to switch some words out or in.

That was it really.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#4
Interesting...

You used very archaic language, it seems a bit pretentious. If you're going to use really latinate, complex lines, then it's something that needs to flow naturally, otherwise it will look forced.

Maybe take it to S&L, someone might be able to help you there.
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A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#5
Thank you alot...I didn't mean to sound pretentious.. thanks for the great comments...
#9
beknownst

whence is wrong, and so is thy
try when thou
and
not thine love, thy love

it reads more like prose, it doesn't have much flow
iambic pentameter is a good idea, u could maybe turn it into a sonnet too, but you'd need more for it.


here's info on iambic pentameter if u wanted to do it
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#10
Im not too keen on the way in which youve mixed archaic and modern words together, it sounds unnatural and forced tbh. Again, slightly pretentious. Choose one style and sick to it, or at least pull this off a bit better.
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#11
Quote by Disasterboy
beknownst

whence is wrong, and so is thy
try when thou
and
not thine love, thy love

it reads more like prose, it doesn't have much flow
iambic pentameter is a good idea, u could maybe turn it into a sonnet too, but you'd need more for it.


here's info on iambic pentameter if u wanted to do it

Dude I'm doing GCSE coursework I'm not bloody shakespeare....lol...thanks for teh a6v1c3
#12
I don't agree with the people saying it's prose- It's just very free-verse poetry.

I just thought- the language is very biblical, it reads like a prayer.
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#13
I couldn't agree more. It does need more cowbell.
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#14
Quote by jakemac
Dude I'm doing GCSE coursework I'm not bloody shakespeare....lol...thanks for teh a6v1c3

Oh and if you haven't done it yet.
Have fun studying the poems from different cultures.
Personally they made me went to kill myself but hey you might enjoy them .
#15
Quote by This is the One
Oh and if you haven't done it yet.
Have fun studying the poems from different cultures.
Personally they made me went to kill myself but hey you might enjoy them .

I never had to do that \m/

But I did study that ten o clock news one. Y'know...

This is the ten o clock noos
...
...
ye cannae talk right!
-continue Scottish garbage-
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#16
G!!
well i dnt think its that good but personally i hate poetry! but from the parts i read some of the ye 'olde language sounds a bit forced, not all of it but some of it, just a suggetion.
p.s. I voted D but i retract that statement, to conform to B
"You're a twat!"- That dude in morrisons

"You Ugly git!" - That girl in the restaurant

"You Were a Mistake!" - Mum

just a few of my fans..



#17
Quote by This is the One
Oh and if you haven't done it yet.
Have fun studying the poems from different cultures.
Personally they made me went to kill myself but hey you might enjoy them .

me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
were doing them now, cluster two and i'm almost dieing of boredom.
"You're a twat!"- That dude in morrisons

"You Ugly git!" - That girl in the restaurant

"You Were a Mistake!" - Mum

just a few of my fans..



#18
Well, all the "thine" and "whence" and "dost" seemed a little pretentious if I'm honest, I've never been one for Shakespearean (or biblical) language. I think writing should evolve with language. Apart from that it was alright, but I would give it some structure besides this wall of text thing you've got going on now.

(Also, people, poems from different cultures was easy and not all that bad, I managed to scrape an A*...)
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#19
Here's a common misconception that might be of use:

Saying 'Thy' and 'Thou' sounds elevated, but it is not speaking to someone of higher rank; it's just the opposite. Look at Shakespeare -- when a nobleman is talking to another noble, he says 'you' and 'your.' But when he's talking to a servant or someone beneath him, he says 'thou' and 'thy.' So that may matter depending on who you're addressing in the poem.

The reason this si is because the French invaded England and ruled it for a while as the nobles, and the French pronoun was 'vous,' and the native English one I don't remember, but sounded like 'thou.' Since when addressing a French noble you would speak French, the French word got incorporated into the language and eventually evolved into 'you,' and the English word stuck around as 'thou.'

Same thing with 'cow' and 'beef.' The French is 'boeuf' and the English word for cow was 'cu.' Since the nobles never saw a living cow, only to cooked version, and the English peasants saw them alive, we now call the living thing 'cow' and the cooked thing 'beef.'

A little linguistic history for you there.
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