#1
This is one of my attempts at writing lyrics...however, I need advice on what YOU, the reader/critic would put as guitar parts behind it, the tuning, and whatever else that would make this come together. Much appreciated, thank you.


Brooding; what do I do?
Go ahead; tell her, you know you want to
No, wait, don’t; let it be
Two sides narrating my life
Making me see things differently
Is it any business of theirs?
They aren’t the ones who draw my stares
Does it matter at all, anything I do?
Because I’d do anything for you

Brooding; what shall I do?
I want to tell her but I’m told not to
Why wait, can’t they see?
Ups and downs of love
Giving up; moving along
Because it hurts me too much

Brooding, seething with contempt
Lost the will to live; the love of my life

Brooding; what shall I do?
I want to tell her but I’m told not to
Why wait, can’t they see?
Ups and downs of love
Giving up; moving along
Because it hurts me too much

Brooding, seething with contempt
Lost the will to live; the love of my life

Brooding, what’s the point?
Nothing worked, it never will
Should I have told her?
Thought that time would tell
Why wait, can’t she see?
This hurts me too much
#2
Pretty deep and dark. Might want to downtune a bit. Of course you don't have to, but whatever.

I sense predominent bass in this. What I'd do is use the guitar sparingly to accent the verse or line changes, and do an outro/intro. I don't know if you want this to be deep and dark or catchy, but if it's the latter, maybe do some synchopated hand claps or string strums but mute the strings. What I'm thinking of right now is the song Blah Blah Blah by Say Hi to Your Mom. Give it a listen and tell me if it sounds like what you had in mind.

Pretty nice.
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#3
Hey thanks alot man, that means so much to hear that you like it!! OKay I will give it a listen! yeah, it's dark but it was because of the classic teenage girl issues...you know....
#4
I think some deep bass would go well with this song and perhaps some blast beats on the drums. I like the way you keep repeating 'brooding' in all the right places, I thought some of the rhymes on the first verse seemed a bit forced.
Raise your chalice my brother
Raise it high
To catch the fire that falls from the sky
#5
alright so could you tell me what tuning you would use personally? I wanted something deeper, like drop C, but I'm not sure what would make it sound perfect
#6
I cant say what tuning you should use for sure, just see what goes with your voice and the other instruments.
Raise your chalice my brother
Raise it high
To catch the fire that falls from the sky
#7
Personally I find more important than tuning is rhythm. I would just try to find a chor structure that fits you words, because without rhythm, without decently married lyrics and melody, the song just wont work. It will sound awkward and forced.
For thsi to work I think you need to revise the metre of some of the lines. It feels to me like you just wrote something down without having any beat or ,elody in your head, and its always going to sit awkwardly with a melody.
Try and compose a melody firsr. Keep in mind your theme, the tone of what you want to write, take your original set of lyrics as inspiration, and write something that fits the melody. That would be my advice.
#8
Considering the subject matter, I think you did a great job handling it with skill. However, I think that the subtle touch you used in most of it would be even better if carried even more of the way through, being a little less direct on certain lines, and going even stronger with the idea of the inner conflict between the two sides of the mind rather than anything outward at all. If you can connect the audience with the inner torment, it will be a lot more powerful than necessarily the problem in the first place, and they could apply it to any number of experiences in their own past.

That said, I like the previously stated idea of mainly bass and maybe subtle drums only using guitar in a powerful blast at the end before the outro.
#9
"If you can connect the audience with the inner torment, it will be a lot more powerful than necessarily the problem in the first place, and they could apply it to any number of experiences in their own past."

OKay, yeah I like that idea, could you point out areas which you think this might help? that way, I can get right on it...
also, when I was writing it...I kind of had the end of Sugar by SoaD stuck in my head - "what do I do? what do I say? in the end it all goes away" something like the way Serj sings that...anyone think that approach might work, without completely plagiarizing the song?
#10
Pretty awesome lyrics you got here. depends what kind of style you want it to be in but if you wanted it to be a slowed down song where you want people to be able to associate with what your song theme is then accoustic with maybe some heavy sounding power chords for the chorus just to add to the emotion.
#11
I was thinking of having it on edge, like there's a lot of tension, and everytime "brooding" is said, it kind of snaps, like a few powerchords or something....i'm still deciding
#13
Hey, thanks for the crit.

I can't really offer much advice as far as instrumentation goes... it's something I struggle with.

I liked this. The use of brooding at the start of each stanza worked well, and tied everything together nicely.

Just the chorus for me is a let-down... it's really quite boring and I can't imagine it being entirely catchy... if you worked on it a bit and added some length to it I can't see why this can't become a great song.
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#14
I have kind of added a few things to try and improve it, but let's see what anyone else has to say?


Brooding; what do I do?
“Go ahead; tell her, you know you want to”
“No, wait, don’t; let it be”
Two sides narrating my life
Making me see things differently
Is it any business of theirs?
They aren’t the ones who draw my stares
Does it matter at all, anything I do?
Because I’d do anything for you

Brooding; what shall I do?
I want to tell her but I’m told not to
Why wait, can’t they see?
Confusion comes so easily
Giving up; I’ve had enough
Because this hurts me too much

Brooding, seething with contempt
Lost the will to live; the love of my life
Thoughts are clashing back and forth
As my eyes are wide, and my mind is sore

Brooding; what shall I do?
I want to tell her but I’m told not to
Why wait, can’t they see?
Confusion’s the new democracy
Giving up; I’ve had enough
Because this hurts me too much

Brooding, seething with contempt
Lost the will to live; the love of my life
Thoughts are clashing back and forth
As my eyes are wide, and my mind is sore

Brooding, what’s the point?
Two sides to the coin
Get ahead or stay on her tail
Should I tell her if all else fails?
Thought that time would answer
Why wait, can’t she see; I’m not sure…

Brooding; what do I do?
What do I do…?
What do I do...?
What do I do, etc, (maybe improvise this)
(was thinking maybe I should go all crazy at the end and start mumbling insanely)
#15
Quote by FoolOnThePlanet
Pretty deep and dark. Might want to downtune a bit. Of course you don't have to, but whatever.

I sense predominent bass in this. What I'd do is use the guitar sparingly to accent the verse or line changes, and do an outro/intro. I don't know if you want this to be deep and dark or catchy, but if it's the latter, maybe do some synchopated hand claps or string strums but mute the strings. What I'm thinking of right now is the song Blah Blah Blah by Say Hi to Your Mom. Give it a listen and tell me if it sounds like what you had in mind.

Pretty nice.

Yeah I would agree with that, I would try drop D, and if you seem so fit maybe drop C? I would go mainly chords or using the first couple of frets to make a nice metal sound. Lyrics and really good! Love it!
#16
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
I have kind of added a few things to try and improve it, but let's see what anyone else has to say?


Brooding; what do I do?
“Go ahead; tell her, you know you want to”
“No, wait, don’t; let it be”
Two sides narrating my life
Making me see things differently
Is it any business of theirs?
They aren’t the ones who draw my stares
Does it matter at all, anything I do?
Because I’d do anything for you

Enjoyable enough to read, but I can't sing it in my head. The meter is a bit awkward in places. For example, line 3 seems too short whereas 4 and 5 seem to long. That may be my own fault, but it's something to think about. Fine enough start though.

Brooding; what shall I do?
I want to tell her but I’m told not to
Why wait, can’t they see?
Confusion comes so easily
Giving up; I’ve had enough
Because this hurts me too much

Again, the meter's kind of weird. Lines 3 & 4 don't make that much sense, and lines 5 & 6 seem a bite trite. I could see a good arrangement covering this up though.

Brooding, seething with contempt
Lost the will to live; the love of my life
Thoughts are clashing back and forth
As my eyes are wide, and my mind is sore

Good, I really like the last line. If this is a song, this doesn't rhyme though, so maybe talk this part. It's intense.

Brooding; what shall I do?
I want to tell her but I’m told not to
Why wait, can’t they see?
Confusion’s the new democracy
Giving up; I’ve had enough
Because this hurts me too much


I don't see why you're giving up before you told her! Ah well, probably intentional. I like the democracy bit.


Brooding, seething with contempt
Lost the will to live; the love of my life
Thoughts are clashing back and forth
As my eyes are wide, and my mind is sore

If this is a refrain or chorus or whatever, I'd make it more catchy. Kind of simplify it down, go for something a bit more anthemic.

Brooding, what’s the point?
Two sides to the coin
Get ahead or stay on her tail
Should I tell her if all else fails?
Thought that time would answer
Why wait, can’t she see; I’m not sure…

The first time I read this I read line 3 as "get head" which made me LOL. Line 4 seems a bit forced though, like you're trying to come up with a rhyme for tail.

Brooding; what do I do?
What do I do…?
What do I do...?
What do I do, etc, (maybe improvise this)
(was thinking maybe I should go all crazy at the end and start mumbling insanely)

I like the mumbly idea, watch Thom Yorke live and try and copy that. I can see that totally.

Overall, not bad. A bit of an issue with the meter, but nothing that can't be fixed. I like where you're heading with this, a little cleaning up and it could be great. In regards to your arrangement, use an assload of minor 9 chords.

I'll try and get at your other piece as well. Thanks.
#17
Alright cool, the meter was meant to be a bit jumpy, like all sketched out but I might look into it. oh and that giving up was intentional, real life experience, it happened pretty well like this song explains
Last edited by XxGibsonSGxX at Nov 22, 2007,
#18
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
I have kind of added a few things to try and improve it, but let's see what anyone else has to say?

Brooding; what do I do?
“Go ahead; tell her, you know you want to”
“No, wait, don’t; let it be”
Two sides narrating my life
The conflict is laid out plain and clear, and I like that.
Making me see things differently
Is it any business of theirs?
Who are "they"? If they're the two voices in your head that wanker back and forth, then it seems kind of wrong... after all "they" would basically control your life.
They aren’t the ones who draw my stares
Does it matter at all, anything I do?
Somehow "anything I do" bothers me... I don't know why...
Because I’d do anything for you

Brooding; what shall I do?
I want to tell her but I’m told not to
Why wait, can’t they see?
Confusion comes so easily
Giving up; I’ve had enough
Because this hurts me too much
I love this verse. It's simple and flows well.

Brooding, seething with contempt
Lost the will to live; the love of my life
Thoughts are clashing back and forth
As my eyes are wide, and my mind is sore
Kind of interjects on the more... mellow mood. Before it was more melancholy than angry, but here I get the picture that there are two sides engaged in a life-or-death battle. It's mostly a good thing, though. Good to break for a chorus.

Brooding; what shall I do?
I want to tell her but I’m told not to
Why wait, can’t they see?
Confusion’s the new democracy
I just love that line.
Giving up; I’ve had enough
Because this hurts me too much

Brooding, seething with contempt
Lost the will to live; the love of my life
Thoughts are clashing back and forth
As my eyes are wide, and my mind is sore

Brooding, what’s the point?
Two sides to the coin
Get ahead or stay on her tail
Should I tell her if all else fails?
Thought that time would answer
Why wait, can’t she see; I’m not sure…
Great ending, it kind of trails off (I like that, others might not, well) and ties it all up in a neat little package.

Brooding; what do I do?
What do I do…?
What do I do...?
What do I do, etc, (maybe improvise this)
(was thinking maybe I should go all crazy at the end and start mumbling insanely)


Overall, pretty terrific lyrics! The idea that the two sides of your mind are "fighting" makes for great imagery. Just a few lines left me a little confused.

Anyway, for the music.

I can definitely see this as a hard rock/metal deal with a lot of bass and power, but also as a much slower paced acoustic song. If you record... I think both styles could fit well with the lyrics. I can't see any blazing guitar parts that go up high for a solo or anything, I just don't think it goes with the song.