My friend and I are working on this song. He wrote the lyrics, and I'm trying to revise them. So help me UG. Please?

She stumbles down the sidewalk
with her purse at her hip
he get's the eye like a hawk now
as he puts down the tip
he makes his way out so slowly
tryin tuh stay in the dark
he starts to think that its wrong now
the he leaves his remark

he gets to close
she spares him just a subtle glance
and then she goes
now's the time he must advance

he grabs her hand and then he leads her away
she looks to him and smiles slightly but that's all
soon enough these things will all calm down
they're both getting outta town

the car rides terribly awkward
he don't know what to say
he makes a right at the court yard
then he senses she's astray

It's supposed to be (hopefully), an alternative/indie type song. Not too heavy, not to soft. Think Arctic Monkeys.
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hmmm... dark, obbssessive... what you've got here is she wants revenge toned down a little, closer to depeche mode. Now what your goal here is is to get as close to depeche mode as possible. Take away all off the things that could possibly be interpreted as stupid and add deep, dark lyrics. Now if you want lyrics like this youre gonna need a synth, heavy but reverbed bass, and minimalistic if any guitar (also reverbed). This should be sung in a deep, emotion filled voice (Once again, leading towards mode, not SWR). Right there youve got the ingredients for a great synth-pop, possibly dance/techno song. Now go to heavy with the guitars, add mor meaningless lyrics, get a whiny singer... and you've got a generic emo band. As for the lyrics themselves, I like them, but there are spots that just seem a little o... shallow. overall, good job though.

Sorry didnt finish article. Ummmm.... indie? its quite possible don't get me wrong. These lyrics seem slightly dark and brooding though. I would try to lighten them, and definitly gonna want to go for shorter stanzas... makes for happier stuffs. Its possible, no doubt

Jeez can't stop editing. Look, these lyrics are walking a fine line between greatness and average. The way theyll be pushed really depends mainly on instruments. On closer inspection i really wouldnt change the lyrics that much though, al though the last stanza to me seems to darken the whole song a little... not in a bad way musically, but for an indie song, maybe a little sad.
Last edited by deadspoken at Nov 19, 2007,
Thanks for the input deadspoken. I too felt they were a little too dark for what I was hoping for as a song. Thanks again for the input, I'll tell post any updates.
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I don't mind this at all...it seems a little short, but hey who am I kidding so are my songs...i think...back to yours -- i do like it, and I won't go into particulars about trying to find the meaning because that would wreck it for me...but it flows, like a nice little story good job! would you glance at mine? called Brooding
Thanks I'll pass the message along. ;D
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