#1
yesterday heard this perfect i cadence
it swam like liquid through my gut
there was this bit where the strings soared
and the bass kept it real low
stretching musicsheen across the mid like clingfilm

it did all the usual things with hairs and
necks;it scooped me up and set me down
on a pinprick;it made my eyecorners sting
so i sat you down and stuffed headphones
in your head and sat grinning for five longones

and when done you pursed lips and
worked jaw and squinted and said christ
the oboes off;and what the fucks that lead
violin playing at;the harps done way too
staccato and the drums dull and lowmixed

every night ive rang you and have done
every night for the last year i think
but last night i was kinda busy listening
to basso rumble of cello;sinewy violin
bodied piano like ripenwine

and i guess im busy tonight too
"You can never quarantine the past."
#2
im sorry if this isnt constructive....but that was terrible
Member #3 of the Breaking Benjamin Fanclub PM Electric7 to join.
#4
you cant personify liquid as swimming, it just sounds redundant. Five longones? mmk. "stretching musicsheen across the mid like clingfilm" you can make a much better comparison than to "clingfilm". and "the harp's done way too staccato" just doesn't seem to fit....don't know thats just me

EDIT: "and last night i was kinda busy"...i dont know what style this song is but i dont see really any of these lyrics going along with a whole lot...i guess i just flat out dont like it.
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#6
meh, i try
Member #3 of the Breaking Benjamin Fanclub PM Electric7 to join.
#7
I don't understand it, but that doesn't mean it isn't good; vocabulary choice is cool
#8
Some awkward phrases, Alex.

"eyecorners" didn't sound as good to me as it probably did to you. "longones" and "ripenwine".

I'm not sure if this tone of voice, mix of composite words and lack of punctuation really helped too much here. I don't know if they corrolate with the poems meaning in any way or not, but I prefer your stuff when it is written in a more standard way.

That said, I think the first three stanzas were really good, I enjoyed them, but I felt it tailed off towards the end, it wasn't as strong and sounded a bit... tired.

Good to see you around I have Rose in my sig if you could leave anything. Thanks man.
#9
You just liked my old stuff....

The aesthetics are all in place for a reason. Very much trying to get away from old style, try something new.

Thanks, though.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#10
This reminds me ALOT of ee cummings, the sentence structures and rythym, the title, everything. I like him alot and I think this is good, but did you mean to copy his style?
#11
That felt like you were a foreign exchange student with a high vocabulary, but a very dim definition of the language

and I REALLY liked it

It was like a poetic mind with a low IQ, skimming the dictionary while listening to a cadence, and writing it down


crit mine?
#12
EE cummings had more titular enjambment.

That being said.

yesterday heard this perfect i cadence
it swam like liquid through my gut
there was this bit where the strings soared
and the bass kept it real low
stretching musicsheen across the mid like clingfilm
I believe this would only work if you actually *gasp because this is the first time I have said this* use more rhyme. Right now you are completely stressing the dissonance within how you are using language, which is all well and good, but without some sort of common theme in the stanza to bring it together it comes off as pretentious mush that makes no sense. So even if rhyme is not the answer, you need something to make the image being described clearer, even if the point is that it is unclear. I really like the first line though

it did all the usual things with hairs and
necks;it scooped me up and set me down
on a pinprick;it made my eyecorners sting
so i sat you down and stuffed headphones
in your head and sat grinning for five longones
I liked it up to eyecorners, then I didnt have any idea of what the **** you were talking about, and didnt really want to. I also liked long ones. You really got to make it clear what you are saying. Because I'm almost confused to the point of frustration and the style that has kept me interested is running lower.

and when done you pursed lips and
worked jaw and squinted and said christ
the oboes off;and what the ****s that lead
violin playing at;the harps done way too
staccato and the drums dull and lowmixed
really interesting, but the beggining is way too heavy on the adjectives, it messes up the flow completely, which is what I think could really save this piece. A flow (or rhyme scheme) which would transcend the stanzas. Still I liked this stanza overall. It at least kept me very interested.

every night ive rang you and have done
every night for the last year i think
but last night i was kinda busy listening
to basso rumble of cello;sinewy violin
bodied piano like ripenwine

and i guess im busy tonight too
Yea, dont introduce a new character now, it seems like a blatant copout. And, like Jammmmmmmmmie, it felt like you ran out of steam here and I was kinda left with a *okay, so?* feeling.

I really admire the fact that you're experimenting though and I liked the piece overall, its just, there was too much. I didnt know what to focus on, and there was no order at all, so I got lost on what was happening. Tighten it up and focus it. I do like the style.



crit mine?: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=719226
#13
It's cool.. Sounds like some random Jim Morrison babble, haha. I can see someone talking like that, with a low but steady beat in the background. It would be nice.
#14
It's about the arrogance of people in terms of their opinions, especially in how people allow themselves to be defined by their opinions and are presonally offended when disagreed with. It's written the way it is to show the pretensiousness of the speaker - all lower case etc. I didn't introduce a new character at the end; they've been there since the second stanza.

That should make a lot more sense.

Thanks, though, for all input.
"You can never quarantine the past."