#1
The chic-bird-chick
propped upon the tree,
laughing at the scarf,
at the scarf
that’s necked around me.

The chic-bird-chick
propped upon the tree
laughing at the eyes
at those eyes,
dreamy filled with tears.

The chic-bird-chick
flies away from the
slowly dying tree.
It’s a he,
she's are she's.

Slowly dying tree, slowly dying tree.
Last edited by confusius at Nov 20, 2007,
#4
It's quite good. Maybe you could add a couplet in the poem to give it a little variant?
Get off my lawn.
#5
'dreamy filled with tears' just don't really sit well with me...like you were trying not to be cliche, and still didn't pull it off. The rest is fine and could be something pretty solid, but that line really does bug me.
#6
Quote by confusius


Let's do this...

The chic-bird-chick
propped upon the tree,
laughing at the scarf,
at the scarf
that’s necked around me.

Interesting choice of intro line/repeating line, not bad per-se... but just different, certainly not something I would ever try, you pulled it off well. I like the repetition of 'at the scarf' Just makes the flow scrumptious.

The chic-bird-chick
propped upon the tree
laughing at the eyes
at those eyes,
dreamy filled with tears.

I'm with everyone else, dreamy-filled just doesn't work with me. There is something about it that feels out of place. It might just be that its too descriptive compared to everything else in the piece. I mean when you think about it, you are setting a scene (quite well) however you aren't doing it with really detailed ideas. You didn't describe the scarf... you just noted it. Not sure if that's it... but just a suggestion. Not real sure how to change it to make it fit though, I don't think abstractly enough to do the piece justice.

The chic-bird-chick
flies away from the
slowly dying tree.
It’s a he,
she's are she's.

Well... yeah, that's all I got. This doesn't really say too much, save for setting up the last line.

Slowly dying tree, slowly dying tree.

Closes the piece quite well. I like it.



Well, not that it means much, as I haven't seen many pieces from you since I've been here. But this is probably my favorite of yours so far. Nothing "deep," per se, but fun to read. Good work, señor.

I knowz you = busy, so if you get a chance I have a piece up called Two shovelfuls help the medicine go down (linky in sig).

peace and coconuts,

-zC
#7
What happened to my avatar? hrmmm, I think I might keep this new one.


Thanks everyone. Get crits/comments in soon.
#8
I like this a lot, I don't have a problem with the 'dreamy filled with tears' line.
I think everyone is reading it 'dreamy-filled' like it's one thing, but obviously it's too different things, like 'dreamy and filled with tears'. It seems fine to me.

The whole piece works very well and sets up nicely for the ending.

Mine's in my sig if you want to have a look.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
Last edited by screamsoftly at Nov 22, 2007,
#9
You know what I think of this piece, but I just wanted to add here I thought the original idea was great I think for once the execution let you down slightly, the 1st stanza is awesome, the 2nd ok apart from the end, and the last stanza is so-so. There's a lot repeated in such a small piece.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#11
We've discussed dreamy and variants of already >_>

I'm loving the repetition. Short but sweet, and the plosive sounds give it a certain punch that helps to make the stanzas stand out in their own right, and a good heavy contrast to the unrepeated lines, and your final line. The only things I think would have made it better are the caesura in the 'dreamy' line (you know you want the neo-classical rules bad, baby) and a rhyming couplet at the end, just to continue the feel of consistency with a difference.

But yeah, I like it.
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
#12
Maybe I'll crit the piece later, if I remember. For now, I'll just crit the title. It's all wrong.

The title should read: It's always brown over blue.

Colours Comp. You're goin' down, dude.


/spam
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#13
Thanks my darling


confusedit: And SYK the only thing going down related to you/me/thisthread is the quality of your posting...


The fuck is the colour comp by the way? *goes to bitch*
Last edited by confusius at Nov 23, 2007,
#14
lol
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#15
You're the new kyle, in that you produce over pretentious gobbledy-gook, that is riddled with cliches, this is no different.

This is kind of stupid, and to be blunt about it, I could have never read this, and I think my life would be a little better, because now I have the knowledge someone crammed birds, dying trees and scarfs all into a single pretentious entity.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#17
Quote by Something_Vague
You're the new kyle, in that you produce over pretentious gobbledy-gook, that is riddled with cliches, this is no different.


Matt, you would have written this 2 years ago and proclaimed it was your best work.

Quote by Something_Vague

This is kind of stupid, and to be blunt about it, I could have never read this, and I think my life would be a little better, because now I have the knowledge someone crammed birds, dying trees and scarfs all into a single pretentious entity.


Like cramming squirrels trees and people getting stabbed into one cliché piece?
#18
Quote by Something_Vague
You're the new kyle, in that you produce over pretentious gobbledy-gook, that is riddled with cliches, this is no different.

This is kind of stupid, and to be blunt about it, I could have never read this, and I think my life would be a little better, because now I have the knowledge someone crammed birds, dying trees and scarfs all into a single pretentious entity.


agreed. but the way you say that implies that you take no part in such pretentiousness
#19
Matt, fire of my heart, I would truly appreciate it, if from now on, you are going to go on one of those delightful and oh so characteristic assaults of yours that you add a disclaimer at the top of your post and actually explain to me why it's pretentious. Telling me that over and over again and not telling me when/why/where is really frustrating.

Thank you my love.
#20
Quote by Bleed Away
'I should have never read this.'

'Now I have the knowledge of someone...'


Wrong.

And to everyone else, cry a little more please.

Quote by phantom1
Matt, you would have written this 2 years ago and proclaimed it was your best work.


How is that even a point? Yes, I was a worse writer two years ago, big whoop, everyone sucks at one point, there's no point to tell me that.

This kid, he isn't getting any better, what he writes isn't in anyway related to his person, there's nothing here that is any different than the hundreds of vague nonsensical pieces of crap on this board, and the only reason people read and like this is because there's a big name attached to it, and yes what I just is a little hypocritical, but I who cares, I'm making a point and I am one of the causalities so be it.

Quote by phantom1
Like cramming squirrels trees and people getting stabbed into one cliché piece?


Stop trying to even the playing field this isn't about me, that's why nothing ever gets accomplished in this place, because every time I try to tell someone that their **** stinks, everyone turns on me to tell me mine stinks too. Well, blow me if you're going to turn this around on me.

This whole piece is bad because it's vague, it uses disjointed phrases that have no bearing on the piece and are only there so the reader can create some stupid meaning by himself. Poetry should not be a puzzle, I shouldn't have to gather clues and try to figure out what you're saying because you used:

"dreamy filled with tears."

Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? You wrote that and figured it was good? That is wasn't going to be picked apart, it is downright awful.

"chic-bird-chick"

What the hell does that even mean? Do you even know? Did you just write some random vague physical image in hopes of someone associating with it?

"Oh, chic, she dresses nice, yeah and, uhhh...birds, because they've got tons of metaphorical representation, one last thing...oh crap, uhhh chick, yeah like a baby chicken, a chick, or here's a doozy, a girl!"

It's heavy handed stupidity, it means nothing, and you based an entire poem around it, but wait; there's more!

It’s a he,
she's are she's.

Slowly dying tree, slowly dying tree.


This little tid bit of grammatical nonsense, she's are she's? She is are she is. Awful, it isn't even a play on words, it isn't anything, you know why? You wrote this without any real meaning in mind, you just wrote randomness, with bird and nature imagery, and it shows.

The last part, doesn't really have anything to do with the rest of piece other than the last stanza which you so carefully pulled out your asshole, because heaven knows a dead tree represents hundreds, if not thousands of metaphorical possibilities.

Here's a tip for your next piece, try to fit in dead birds, a lighthouse, fire and...a clown all in one piece, and make it about being a hopeless romantic, because at fourteen you must understand everything about that, you should be writing about why school is too long, or why your parents won't buy you the new Nintendo thing, love shouldn't be in your vocabulary because fifty bucks says you know nothing about what you're writing about, so stop.

There.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#22
You quit acting self important because a few people on a forum think your lyrics are okay.

These are terrible and while Matt isn't the most reliable source, he does have a point. You should appreciate that he at least took the time to show what was wrong and not be sarcastic and act like you know anything, because judging from this poem you don't.
#23
...err I did appreciate his answer a lot. I was precisely sarcastic in my post before that to make sure he replied back.


I thought the post above yours pretty much indicated that.
#24
Jared is right, you ever give me bullshit again for reading and telling you what's wrong on your piece, it'll be the last time I try and help.

You need to go ch-ch-ch-check yourself before I go and wr-wr-wr-wr-wreck your shit.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#25
You only told me what was wrong after I posted sarcastically. Your other post was your stereotype answer to all of my threads, I wanted something more and I'm glad I got it.
#26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bleed Away
'I should have never read this.'

'Now I have the knowledge of someone...'


Wrong.

And to everyone else, cry a little more please.


Lol you're right, i didn't notice the comma in between the sentence. Apology.