#1
The earth is round, but not for long,
The doomsday prophets say.
And the time of the great flattening
Is not so far away.

Heroes will perish while devils survive,
Virtue will be lost to vice
And the rodent masses will shiver
Watching their maze lose its exits
One by one in dissonant symphony.

When the last flickering embers of compassion
Are snuffed out like candles
And empathy is swallowed whole by greed;
This is the grand finale,
The epilogue, the curtain call
As seas of possibility recede.
Last edited by flame843 at Nov 20, 2007,
#2
The earth is round, but not for long,
The doomsday prophets say.
And the time of the great flattening
Is not so far away.

i like it alot man, great message, and good flow man, nice work

Heroes will perish while devils survive,
Virtue will be lost to vice
And the rodent masses will shiver
As they watch their maze lose its exits
One by one in dissonant symphony.

amazing man, i really like it, its very captivating, and its got great imagery and flow, which is always good,

When the last flickering embers of compassion
Are snuffed out like candles
And empathy is swallowed whole by greed;
This is the grand finale,
The epilogue, the curtain call
As seas of possibility recede.

epic man, this was great, there really isnt much to say man, other then awesome haha, kinda short tho, and what genre is this, crit mine , presenting the future to the world, thanks man, take it easy
#4
Quote by flame843
The earth is round, but not for long,
The doomsday prophets say.
And the time of the great flattening
Is not so far away.

you repeated the same thing twice with different wording.

Heroes will perish while devils survive,
Virtue will be lost to vice
And the rodent masses will shiver
As they watch their maze lose its exits
One by one in dissonant symphony.

this was kind of clumsy. kind of really clumsy. i don't know if you were trying to rhyme "vice" with "exits" but it was kind of a let down. and "one by one in dissonant symphony" seems like a forced line. it's a beautiful line, but it disrupts the rhythm and could have been saved for another stanza.

When the last flickering embers of compassion
Are snuffed out like candles
And empathy is swallowed whole by greed;
This is the grand finale,
The epilogue, the curtain call
As seas of possibility recede.

this was the best stanza. the only thing i would change is the third line. take out "whole" and it will flow.


#5
Quote by flame843
The earth is round, but not for long,
The doomsday prophets say.
And the time of the great flattening
Is not so far away.

Draws the reader in, nice. It doesn't show the purpose explicitly, but that is what interests the reader.

Heroes will perish while devils survive,
Virtue will be lost to vice
And the rodent masses will shiver
Watching their maze lose its exits
One by one in dissonant symphony.

Building up suspense, the imagery continues giving the reader a scene, still no current action, suspenseful.

When the last flickering embers of compassion
Are snuffed out like candles
And empathy is swallowed whole by greed;
This is the grand finale,
The epilogue, the curtain call
As seas of possibility recede.
This ends it nicely, more images with speak of the finale.


I liked it all, but failed to find the climax. I was hoping for something along the lines of when, what, maybe why? But it left me hanging on those lines, besides that the imagery and flow works real nice. If you could critique my piece I would appreciate it greatly, Dropped Call.
Last edited by TUMFP at Nov 21, 2007,