#1
blah blah blah

Old Man and stories

People buy sliding chairs hoping that one day they’ll sit in it to tell their stories.
There whole family will sit around to appreciate them. But reality is:
“Grown up kids don’t care about parent’s outdated experience”.
It may sound insensitive to some but it’s an unspoken truth of life.
So they exploit kids in return of homemade cookies and tell some stupid local legends.
Just to scare them and sound smart:
“Long ago .A Hanging body on a tree was mistaken as Halloween Prop by authorities
They were unable to solve if it was suicide or murder. And sometimes you can see her in that tree“.
On the contrary, some of them really make you curious when you grow up:
A young couple was obsessed with fabricated certainties of romantic movies.
So, they exchanged their vows on Halloween Day.
The message was desperate just like all excerpts on valentine gifts.
“I’ll Love you. Until Death do us apart”.
As usual, it sounded romantic for formality.
On a single lane Bridge,
They were riding in a horse drawn carriage .Excited for their unborn kid.
They were busy talking about all the **** they expect from their marriage.
A speeding car with wasted driver,
A perfect combination for an imaginary disaster was heading in their direction.
One Alice couldn’t step out of her wonderland and they crashed into each other.
The hubcap of the car flew off; beheaded the bride,
While groom left the scene with help of cold running water.
The police never found her head or the body of the groom.
They say, “If you sit on that bridge on Halloween night around midnight,
A headless bride appears on side of river “.
Only thing that attracts me to this **** is “if she appears”.
“What does she look for her head or her lost love? “.
The best part about all this kind of **** is” There’s always a tragedy to make fun of”.

Hi
Last edited by abhishek21 at Nov 20, 2007,
#2
Has it all...comedy, tragedy, and truth. Thus, a good story to tell, also.

Only thing I'd change is "So they exploit kids in return of homemade cookies" to "in return for..." (unless you meant to do that, because it does work )
#3
Thnx for the critique . Wrote this when I was compeletly drunk . I'm happy that anyone liked it. Is there anything u want me too look at??
Hi
#4
I liked the...er...plot? I liked it, yeah. The wording was awkward in a lot of places, there seems to be a lot of unnecessary.

People buy sliding chairs hoping that one day they’ll sit in it to tell their stories.
There whole family will sit around to appreciate them. But reality is:
“Grown up kids don’t care about parent’s outdated experience”.
It may sound insensitive to some but it’s an unspoken truth of life.
So they exploit kids in return of homemade cookies and tell some stupid local legends.
Just to scare them and sound smart:
“Long ago .A Hanging body on a tree was mistaken as Halloween Prop by authorities
They were unable to solve if it was suicide or murder. And sometimes you can see her in that tree“.


I love what you're saying here, especially about exchanging family time for Halloween cookies...haha. I just feel like the first four lines could have been wrapped up much better...but if you were sloshed, there's really nothing I can say.

A perfect combination for an imaginary disaster was heading in their direction.
One Alice couldn’t step out of her wonderland and they crashed into each other


I liked this a lot, Alice is good. I thought it would be funny if you said "One Alice couldn't get her head out of Wonderland" cause then later the bride gets beheaded...I think it would be fitting, if not boringly predictable.

The situational tragedy/comedy was great. Really. It's all summed up in the last three lines for me. I think it would be well to clean up the body though.
#5
the body of the piece, no pun intended.

Last note:

“Long ago .A Hanging body on a tree was mistaken as Halloween Prop by authorities
They were unable to solve if it was suicide or murder. And sometimes you can see her in that tree“.


It would be nice if you made this sound more like something a father in a chair would say, rather than a straight retell.

And, something else I meant to mention in my first response, I really liked how you said the groom fled the scene with the help of cold running water.

Sorry for the double post, but everytime I go to edit- or anything other than quick reply, really- it freezes my computer.