#1
oh god,
she didn't tell you?
lovebug must be going around,
thinks she caught it on the train today.
some russian guy.
pea coat.
rubber shoes.
[i get a real kick you know,
the way she always thinks shes in love.
the film that runs through her eyes
as she plays through movie scrips with
every single guy]
anyways,
he calls himself nikolai.
says he adores the way her lips move impulsively while she thinks.
the way her eyebrows seem to chase after one another.
says he might love her.
'exhausted all the possibilities baby and
we've gotta be together.'

foriegn.
like a rabbit from a hat.
she moved her ears slightly,
[you know, the way she never does]
she bit her lower lip,
kissed him on the mouth,
and that was it.
two kids,
beach side property,
interest pays credit to loan sharks,
the capital hall drunks.
a dog,
a cat,
even a goldfish.
you've got it honey.

it's change in the piggy bank.
shake your fist,
make a mess.
the dance hall drunks passed out on the cabaret floor,
the fruitless orchard on a caribbean shore.
you've got it honey.

it's the doorbell that kept on ringing,
through the evening and into the morning.
the after party.
night-timing.
you're the coral on the ocean floor,

all alone in a spin-cycled tide.
Last edited by rushmore at Dec 7, 2007,
#2
Don't have time to fully crit, but i must say, if this is what you come up with on a block, then you are one well spoken muddafucha.

I really liked it, it's synical and leaves nothing to the reader to figure out, while not spelling out anything in particular. The rhythm isn't all there, but I think that adds to it.

I didn't get the "armless man caught in a chinese fingertrap." part, unless it means that the person is only mentally trapped, which is a cool image in that case.

and the line "make a mess" could be better phrased, especially by someone of your language caliber. 'a' mess is too general, if you specified what the thing that was messed up was it would sit better. I think thats my only real critique, it's not like I could do any better than you, so I amn't going to try.

The end is my favourite stanza, and the closing image is very clever, kind of a modern twist on the age-old idea of tide.

I'm off to look at some more of your work.
Any comment at all on mine would be appreciated.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=717382
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour

But heaven knows I'm miserable now

I was looking for a job and then I found a job

But heaven knows I'm miserable now
#3
[i get a real kick you know,
the way she always thinks shes in love.
the film that runs through her eyes
as she plays through movie scripts with
every single guy]


I really liked this.

Except later on you said in every single movie she's watched, it was too similar. It was like faux repetition I think it would be better if you either parelleled it exactly, or even better IMO if you replace the second one with "film".

Also:

says he loves the way her lips move impulsively while she thinks.
the way her eyebrows seem to chase after one another.
says he might love her.


My problem here is that you use the word "love" in two different senses- or he uses it in two different senses anyway- but they're too close together. Does that make sense? Unless it was intentional, which makes sense, but I think that would be a stretch for it personally.

The armless man in a chinese fingertrap, is a cool idea but it didn't seem relevant here. Did you just mean to tie it in with foreign, or describe a mental struggle, orrr...I would save it for another piece if I were you or link it up. Or maybe you already have and I just don't get it.

One last thing (and this is REALLY minor) that "anyway" just before "he calls himself nikolai" seems to interrupt for me. I reread it without it and it seemed better. Just a suggestion.

Other than that, for the first three quarters, I thoroughly enjoyed everything. Particularly your sentence structure, like someone's talking but not in a monotone way at all. Like someone's talking in a calculated but lighthearted way.

Then I got to the last part:


it's the doorbell that kept on ringing,
through the evening and into the morning.
the after party.
night-timing.
you're the coral on the ocean floor.

maybe you're just caught in a spin-cycled tide.


I really, really didn't get any of this at all. Please explain, right now it doesn't seem very related but I could just not be working hard enough.
#4
Yeah, not bad at all for a block menry. i wasn;t a big fan of that last line, I thought you could have ended with the line prior and been fine. Other than that, we have a piece that is a lot more 'off-the-wall' than I am use to from you, which as you know is saying a lot. it gave a lot of cool images and left a lot there for the reader to glue together. I don't think you should have to explain to the guy above, let him make his own conclusions. that is what use your brain is all about.
#5
i thought i left this one easily open for people's own interpretations. obviously i have the insight into what i wrote it about but the main focus is around the character being mentioned most.
#6
"you're the coral on the ocean floor."

this is a really pretty line. i really like this piece and although there are some slight length issues, odd phrasings, etc. your errors make it seem more natural. i think i always enjoyed your writing and this is no different. its kind of in between that entirely too artsy "blood brothers" type metaphor writing and then starkly honest stuff. it gives it an interesting appeal and its good to see you writing or whatever.