#1
i spent 12 separate minutes
grasping planetarium tears.
four hundred feet in sheets of sky
next to tails of clouds.
lungs ripe in exhales.
self perseverance lost
in jet entrails.
following toy dots shape into
parent's houses.
once removed tales.
flash forward into
tastes of balloons let go
and new places.
hoping for plane wings
or the scent of you.
but again,
i’m just slowly falling.

is it strange that it’s
36 years to the day?
dropping like D.B. Cooper
with turbulent hands
in disarray.
i’m lost in allusions,
and i’m just reaching
for an excuse.
a place to rest my head
to forget what’s on my chest.
depressed, and pleading to be used.
but again,
all i see is ground.



as per always crit 4 crit.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Nov 21, 2007,
#2
i like the lyrics but what is the genre, thats something that you should put on all of your songs.
#3
Quote by Rebus
i like the lyrics but what is the genre, thats something that you should put on all of your songs.


that's bull**** dude.


i'll get back to this, jared.
#5
Firstly, no way does anyone need to know the genre to crit a peice. Its just not nescesary...Weeelll, anyways, here goes.

Quote by pixiesfanyo

i spent 12 separate minutes
Honestly, I loved this opening.
grasping planetarium tears.
four hundred feet in sheets of sky
next to tails of clouds.
lungs ripe in exhales.
This doesnt make grammatical sense, however it is a wonderful image, so just change it around a bit. I would suggest something that uses "exhales" as a verb rahter than a noun, like this does.
self perseverance lost
in jet entrails.
following toy dots shape into
parent's houses.
once removed tales.
flash forward into
tastes of balloons let go
I think you need some punctuation somehwere, because all of this feels like its coming out in a big rush. I know you have it at the end of lines, but try to break lines up with commas, I genrally find it puts more weight into the pause than a line break.
and new places.
hoping for plane wings
or the scent of you.
but again,
i’m just slowly falling.
I liked this last line. Some lovely imagery here.

is it strange that it’s
36 years to the day?
dropping like D.B. Cooper
Okay, why the capitals? They really ruin it, in fact, I dont think the refence is nescesary at all.
with turbulent hands
in disarray.
i’m lost in allusions,
and i’m just reaching
for an excuse.
a place to rest my head
to forget what’s on my chest.
depressed, and pleading to be used.
but again,
all i see is ground.
Brilliant closer. Very few problems with this peice other than it seems generally incoherent. I find myself alsolutely lost as to what you are talking about, and rather than enjoying the mystery of you images, wishing you had articulated it more. It sounds lovely, but unnaplied imagery is essentially pointless. Other than that, and the few things I mentioned, this really is a fantastic peice.



Peace
Dave
#6
i get a since of you being on your own, maybe even being a little homesick, and with all these expectations that either people have for you or you have on yourself. And in this situation, you are really trying to fly, but all you see is ground. That was a great ending to a really relatable piece not only for me, but a lot of people similar to our age.
#7
"Grasping planetarium tears."

That is brilliant.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#10
I'm not really sure what to make of this. I think the structure makes it kind of overwhelming. You have some great lines in there, very interesting words and imagery, but it almost feels like its "too much" at once. Personally I think it would be stronger to have breaks and let the lines and images settle in. Its like every two lines paint a grand painting but then they are quickly erased by the next two lines.

I know my comment might seem kind of frivolous, but sometimes structure is as important as the words themselves.

Otherwise, the piece is very good. I like how the stanzas feel like they are building up but then the final line is like the "let down" that you are really feeling. I think you really hit what you were going for. Also, could you give some explanation of the title?

If you wouldn't mind, I'd really appreciate it if you would crit mine:
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=718468
#11
You've got some good internal rhyming going on here.

But you also have some absurd imagery that hits or misses, for me anyways.
(Toy dots shaped into parents houses = hit)
(Planetarium tears = miss)

And I like the random bolding of D.B. Cooper for some reason. Have no idea how important it is to the piece, but it makes it urgent.

I'm terrible at crits, sorry.
Poor advice.
#13
i like the flow of the piece for sure.
everythings pretty creative, specially knowing what the whole thing is based off of. or who i guess.
i like it a lot.