#1
This song is about a weakness, and not having a shield to protect against weakness.

its not complete, but please tell me what you think of it so far:

in the crowded night
i'm sat in this cold square,
with warmth slipping away
like lost moments, into thin air

the taste of longing, here,
invoked by the sight of you
the hardest thing is rendering
how to say what i think is true


the only real answer
to why i won't stay
is that you are the weakness
that keeps me away
a beautiful weapon
breaks a shield i don't have
nothing can come of this
i don't stand a chance
#2
Hey you should repost it once it is complete cause so far thats pretty dam good. great job.
#3
ooh, I like it so far! I originally only looked at it because of the title... that was clever! And the lyrics are really good, not too wordy, not too simple. I'd listen to it. =)
#4
this is great stuff. i cant wait to read it when you finish.


my favorite part is:
the only real answer
to why i won't stay
is that you are the weakness
that keeps me away


the only thing i would change is were it says "I'm sat in this cold square"'
i would change it to "i've sat" or "i sat" etc. but i still think it fits, good job
"my pen is the barrel of the gun, remind me whose side you should be on...." -Fall Out Boy
My Songs:
1)You vs. Me (Can't Compare to Me vs. You)
2) Twelve Miles Of Coastline
(if i could figure out the links then i would )
#6
Quote by JordanRiding

in the crowded night
I sit in this cold square,
with my warmth slipping away
like lost moments, into thin air

I just made minor wording edits to make it flow nicely, but other than that, this is a great intro.

the taste of longing, here,
invoked by the sight of you
the hardest thing is rendering
how to say what i think is true

Rendering is great in writing, but might be a bit more awkward to sing. The last line could also use some reworking. Those things aside, it's building nicely.

the only real answer
to why i won't stay
is that you are the weakness
that keeps me away
You're a beautiful weapon
Cutting right through
I don't stand a chance
My shield once was you

My favorite part is the first half of this. The second half has some great imagery, but just needs to be written out a bit more, I tried throwing out some ideas.


This looks like it'll be a great one, the name catches your attention, and the idea behind the piece is something that you don't here very often but easily sympathized with.
#8
Thanks for the comment.

I really like yours as well, especially the 'a beautiful weapon breaks a shield i don't have' which is quite powerful. Good work!