#1
Verse 1.

The times have changed,
Our time has come,
To rule and hold this land.
Hope returns as the city burns,
No more will we kiss your gilded hand.

We are the fellowship,
born of greed, taking is half the fun
so run and hide, little child,
The hymn of misery has begun.


A Band of thieves,
We're Nomads lost.
Taking all with no cause,
So remove your chains, When you hear our reigns.
Chivalry and faith is lost.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned,

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.


Verse 2

Barons and Kings,
Such Foolish things,
Build kingdoms from pockets of those unseen.
Think again, when it begins, May God save the queen.


It's over now,
with your foolish scowl,
you swallow, accept you fate.
So, beg, repent
for the lives you've spent,
while you sit at heavens gate.


Verse 3

Battle is waged,
Fields are bathed,
with crimson rivers of lust

The age of baron,
The Days of king,
With a fickle silence we will sing


Our time has come,
the peasant scum,
Raise our fists in Valiant Triumph!

We will provide,
Hope and pride,
with bitter words pressed fourth.
No more we cry, As our leaders die.
The plot has run it's course.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned.

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#2
I really like this. Alot. Yikes, it's frightening - reminds me of the warlock song I read earlier...man, this fantasy stuff gets me going

crit mine when you got a chance; Windowpane or Brooding or both
#3
Verse 1.

The times have changed,
Our time has come,
To rule and hold this land.
Hope returns as the city burns,
No more will we kiss your gilded hand.

I like this opening, it gives a sense of rebellion on the rise...power is sexy

We are the fellowship,
born of greed, taking is half the fun
so run and hide, little child,
The hymn of misery has begun.

LOL. I thought you were going all LoTR on me, but I was wrong. So are you overtaking a kingdom to make it a happier, prosperous place, or are you murderous bandits?

A Band of thieves,
We're Nomads lost.
Taking all with no cause,
So remove your chains, When you hear our reigns.
Chivalry and faith is lost.

And now, as I read this next stanza, I feel like an idiot for asking above. I'm not sure about the hear the reigns part...I mean it works, but of all the things of equestrian relevance, reigns probably wasn't the best...LOL

Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned,

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.

My favourite frickin' part of the song, sir! Real catchy!
Verse 2

Barons and Kings,
Such Foolish things,
Build kingdoms from pockets of those unseen.
Think again, when it begins, May God save the queen.

My God, you little anarchist, this is turning out to be so rebellious, and I love it.


It's over now,
with your foolish scowl,
you swallow, accept you fate.
So, beg, repent
for the lives you've spent,
while you sit at heavens gate.

Spit or swallow? Haha. Hmmm, so far so good.

Verse 3

Battle is waged,
Fields are bathed,
with crimson rivers of lust

The age of baron,
The Days of king,
With a fickle silence we will sing

Was confused...if there's silence, how are they singing? Meh, maybe I'm crazy...I still enjoy it thoroughly.

Our time has come,
the peasant scum,
Raise our fists in Valiant Triumph!

We will provide,
Hope and pride,
with bitter words pressed fourth.
No more we cry, As our leaders die.
The plot has run it's course.

I see a finality to this, and it's enjoyable, really really splendid.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned.

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.

Well, after a more thorough review, I'd say this is one of the best thus far on these forums. Very well done sir.
#4
thanks, I really appreciate it. And yeah, I am an anarchist of sorts.

The part that confused you... with a fickle silence we will sing... Imagine the underground railroads. They were forced to sing in code to direct eachother, These rebels would not be allowed to openly voice themselves. So they would sing in fickle silence. The irony is meant to push the feeling of oppression.

and hide your chains when you hear out_____? what would go better?

For the greater good is kind of a theme here


I will review yours in the morn, As I am quite busy and it is late. Thanks for the good review, I am glad someone got some enjoyment from it.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#5
Funny story about the underground railroad, I was interpreting Feast of Friends by Jim Morrison, and one part I interpreted as being in reference to the railroad, but my teacher said I over interpreted...I think the line was
"Cruel bindings/South/The slaves have the power" but yeah funny lol

And for reigns replacement....I want to say hooves, but thats cliche...a little...horses do make a "neighing" sound though...try and incorporate that maybe? I dunno, I tried, lol
nonetheless, great job
#6
Verse 1.

The times have changed,
Our time has come,
To rule and hold this land.
Hope returns as the city burns,
No more will we kiss your gilded hand.
Flows very well, but the last line sounds a little crowded..
We are the fellowship,
born of greed, taking is half the fun
so run and hide, little child,
The hymn of misery has begun.
Excellent stanza, not a fault that I can see
A Band of thieves,
We're Nomads lost.
Taking all with no cause,
So remove your chains, When you hear our reigns.
Chivalry and faith is lost.
Good choice of words, I like it

Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned,

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.
Once again, excellent

Verse 2

Barons and Kings,
Such Foolish things,
Build kingdoms from pockets of those unseen.
Think again, when it begins, May God save the queen.
"May God save the queen" is the only line I have a qualm with, it doesn't really fit for me

It's over now,
with your foolish scowl,
you swallow, accept you fate.
So, beg, repent
for the lives you've spent,
while you sit at heavens gate.
Once again, very well written


Verse 3

Battle is waged,
Fields are bathed,
with crimson rivers of lust

The age of baron,
The Days of king,
With a fickle silence we will sing


Our time has come,
the peasant scum,
Raise our fists in Valiant Triumph!
Personally, I wouldn't put "valiant triumph" in there, kinda ruins the flow slightly
We will provide,
Hope and pride,
with bitter words pressed fourth.
No more we cry, As our leaders die.
The plot has run it's course.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned.

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.

Overall thats really really good. I'm actually quite humbled Thanks again for critting mine dude
What have we learned.....

Words are weightless here on earth,
because they're free


.....from this wee exercise?
#7
Not a problem, thanks for the crit. I really appreciate the compliments, and any form of crit for that matter, I just like to share these with the people, and if they like it, i am happy
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#8
Ok, This song is in it's final version. I really hope it does well, I am going to begin recording ASAP and will put a clip in my profile as soon as I get it done.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#10
I appreciate that, but I am looking for abit more in depth crits.

C4C, I will repay the favor....
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
Last edited by Deluster at Dec 3, 2007,
#11
First off, love your title. awesome. so many people dont understand the importance of title, but you nailed it.


Verse 1.

The times have changed,
Our time has come,
To rule and hold this land.
Hope returns as the city burns,
No more will we kiss your gilded hand.

We are the fellowship,
born of greed, taking is half the fun
so run and hide, little child,
The hymn of misery has begun.


A Band of thieves,
We're Nomads lost.
Taking all with no cause,
So remove your chains, When you hear our reigns.
Chivalry and faith is lost.

I like this, it sets the dark mood. You use some very creative language, i saw some irony in the first stanza. good diction, good mood, effective verse. I like how it's building up suspense for the chorus to blow up.


Chorus.

You slave and starve,
our minds you carve,
to your ideals we live a tuned,

Free we are,
From your sabotage,
But peace shall sleep to soon.

YES! nice... i gotta admit, at first i was a little bit disappointed with this chorus, but it seems to have grown on me. I think it would be even better with the music.
Verse 2

Barons and Kings,
Such Foolish things,
Build kingdoms from pockets of those unseen.
Think again, when it begins, May God save the queen.


It's over now,
with your foolish scowl,
you swallow, accept you fate.
So, beg, repent
for the lives you've spent,
while you sit at heavens gate.

I love this, i nominate it verse of the friggin year. "May god save the queen" is such a powerful line...amazing! It reflects the (assumed) sardonic and darkly humorous nature of your characters.


Verse 3

Battle is waged,
Fields are bathed,
with crimson rivers of lust

The age of baron,
The Days of king,
With a fickle silence we will sing


Our time has come,
the peasant scum,
Raise our fists in Valiant Triumph!

We will provide,
Hope and pride,
with bitter words pressed fourth.
No more we cry, As our leaders die.
The plot has run it's course.

I wish it would have ended bigger. the last line leaves me wanting more completion. idk...
Crimson rivers of lust? i suppose that could be a metaphor for the bloodthirst that your characters feel as they topple the oppressing force, but i'm sure you could come up with a better word than "lust"
Same thing with "fickle silence we sing" it sounds cool , but....i can't imagine what it means. it seems kinda thrown in there.

GREAT song, my only wsh is that it ended in a more epic way, or with some kind of lesson. 9/10

oh and sorry it took me so long to reply, i tried 5 or 6 different times and my internet kept screwing up. i think i got it fixed though.
Right? Right?
...right?
#12
Crimson rivers of lust have more then one meaning in this line,

Crimson rivers give imagery for a blood soaked moor,
Also, Gives a feeling of BloodLUST in the characters
Lust being one of the seven deadly sins used to conquer oppresion.

Hope that clears that up,

Fickle: Characterized by erratic changeableness or instability, especially with regard to affections or attachments.

With a Fickle Silence we will sing; Fickle silence meaning, Oppression and slavery has changed their ideals of life and freedom, but the rebelion has also changed it. Singing in silence is also a metaphore, I hope this is understandable, but the irony,metaphore and literal definition make that hard. It creats a feeling of undeniable struggle, and helps the message that these people have to give as well as the torture they have to endure.

Thanks much for the crits, I am very appreciative. Keep em up!
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt
#13
yeah.. it didnt let me post my crit here either...
sorry, ill just have to give you a summary of what i said/was going to say.

basically, i thought it was all great... there was only a few things i found wrong with it.


didnt care much for:
Our time has come,
the peasant scum,
Raise our fists in Valiant Triumph!

maybe just get rid of valiant and it would be ok though.

''Barons and Kings,
Such Foolish things,''

that was my favorite line of the whole thing.

i liked the intro.. the second stanza was equally as good as the intro, but the intro feels more complete.. i would consider adding something to the second stanza... not sure what though....

''With a fickle silence we will sing''
that was great too.


umm. i cant remember what else i said.
(has anyone else been having problems posting crits? you had trouble didnt you deluster, when you tried to crit mine?)

this was great, i loved the whole thing,minus the flaws i picked on...
this genre isnt really my genre of choice,but i think im in the clear when i say that it was outstanding...
verry well writen great job with this...

ive read a few of your other works, they were all really great.. i think you are very talented here, you might want to persue a carreer in writing if you havent already or havent thought about it... everything of yours ive read was very good. this was no exception.
keep up the good work...

mind taking a look at 'photographs'?
#14
I will post on photographs as soon as I get a chance, I am very humbled by a few other members on the forum, but I am glad to hear that my lyrics have gotten through to a few people other then me .p

I would like to persue a career in writing if only I could find work to do it in. Besides songwritting, (Which in this age is horrid, No thanks, I won't write for Bow wow...)

But all in all, I just enjoy doing this.
Quote by Leybick

you're going to try and tell me girls don't piss out of their asses?


Gear:
Agile AL-3100 Gold-top Les Paul
Vox Valvtronix 15 watt