#1
Sit on the corner, English class,
a day no one had ever expect,
i wish i wasn't even there,
changed my life up till this day

Johnny pig had a mind disease,
a shot on their heads to end all his miseries,
he made them cry, he made them die, he was happy
who would thought he would do all of this?

Now who would knew
Johnny got his gun?
now who would stop
Johnny from all his fun?

Blood stain in the classroom,
three hours later it was over,
Miss Suzie smiles no more,
I tried to stop him, I tried to pushed him, but i was too late...

EDIT: i've recorded the song. its in my profile
Last edited by rafael90 at Nov 28, 2007,
#2
over all its pretty good, but the third verse needs a LOT of work. it just doesnt seem to fit well.
#3
Quote by rafael90
Sit on the corner, English class,
a day no one had ever expect,
i wish i wasn't even there,
changed my life up till this day

Sets the scene, I immediately knew this was about school shootings; good.

Johnny pig had a mind disease,
a shot on their heads to end all his miseries,
he made them cry, he made them die, he was happy
who would thought he would do all of this?

I don't understand the "pig", but either than that it's good

Now who would knew
Johnny got his gun?
now who would stop
Johnny from all his fun?


This is pretty nifty, I enjoyed muchly.


Blood stain in the classroom,
three hours later it was over,
Miss Suzie smiles no more,
I tried to stop him, I tried to pushed him, but i was too late...


As Maccas said, it needs a little work but I'm sure with a little thought it can become much better.

C4C mine - Windowpane ; go to the bottom of the thread since there's the most edited version
Thanks, and good job

Mark
#5
Quote by rafael90
Sit on the corner, English class,
a day no one had ever expect,
i wish i wasn't even there,
changed my life up till this day
Instantly sets the scene, nice work

Johnny pig had a mind disease,
a shot on their heads to end all his miseries,
he made them cry, he made them die, he was happy
who would thought he would do all of this?
Weird, but I like it none the less, again good.

Now who would knew
Johnny got his gun?
now who would stop
Johnny from all his fun?
this needs some work, it just confuses me.

Blood stain in the classroom,
three hours later it was over,
Miss Suzie smiles no more,
I tried to stop him, I tried to pushed him, but i was too late...
Nice way to finish, overall a good piece


thanks for the crit on Midnight Skies, it means a lot to hear from other writers, anyway keep up the solid writing.
#7
Quote by Sandman8591
You took the name from the novel by Dalton Trumbo.


o0o.. you noticed. great novel