#1
crit4crit

UNDERSTAFFED CALLS

My promises are erratic
I swear they'll be Hippocratic
When my tongue's in another mouth
But the only love I can give
Is the oath of a hypocrite
And never-ending cop outs

You are my pristine chapel
And I'm Michelangelo
So let's cover your face
And paint onto your soul

Though I've been busy butchering
This will become a masterpiece
If I carve away a little more
I'll carve until all that's left
Is the first day we ever met
No time after or before

You are my pristine chapel
And I'm Michelangelo
So let's cover your face
And paint onto your soul

Would you hang me in your dream hall?
I’ll answer your understaffed calls
When you need to be amused
So come and hang me upside down
And let me stare at the ground
Instead of glaring at this ruse

You are my pristine chapel
And I'm Michelangelo
So let's cover your face
And paint onto your soul
Last edited by themarsvolta at Nov 27, 2007,
#2
Wow.

I really like the artistic references. Especially "You are my pristine chapel and I'm Michelangelo." That's pretty deck.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#3
"I swear they'll be Hippocratic"
that's really stretching it for the rhyme.

As far as the chorus goes, I think I'd prefer if you just made it Sistine chapel like it is supposed to be, and the amount of what I believe to be innuendo really stops being clever and starts being kinda cheesy and a little gross possibly.

as far as the last verse:
"Would you hang me in your dream hall?"
"I've stared long enough at you"
the first line, could be a bit better, with "dream" replaced by something else really, the last line however is just really cheesy, and being that it seems it's a love song, it's probably supposed to be, but I mean, there are way to write love songs without this kind of gushing cheesiness to it eh?


Other than that I'd say this was pretty good for sticking to the song-like structure (that is what it is after all).
If you have time you can crit mine I guess:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=720431
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead